By: Cazzy Lewchuk, Beedie Business Professor
As an economist, my primary goal is to make money and absorb surplus value. As a concerned professor who understands students need places indoors to sleep (they are humans after all), I’m all about providing affordable housing. That’s why I’m excited to announce a policy brief on my plan to fix the housing crisis — let students sleep in treehouses!
We’ve already got existing treehouses on campus to model. Built in the 1970s, these treehouses were spaces for hippie professors to sleep in the woods because they loved their jobs so much. Times have obviously changed. Today, professors are still underpaid — but are now ungrateful for their jobs (those entitled eggheads). Measuring roughly 50 sq ft and built for just the cost of some scrap lumber, these micro-suites provide a rustic, sustainable alternative to sleeping on the streets. Students will love the natural climate control, outdoor surroundings, and vintage retro aesthetics.
These treehouses are economical; students can live by the dozen in our deluxe units! This allows for an average starting rent of just $900 per person. Hey, it’s cheaper than living in the dorms! Of course, the savings have some trade offs. As dorms, students will not be covered by the Residential Tenancy Act. But having all those roommates is a great way to meet people 24 hours a day!
Some will argue it’s “unreasonable,” “cruel,” or even “dangerous” to live in these. But what’s the alternative? Changing zoning law to allow for more density and a variety of homes everywhere, instead of being reserved for multimillion dollar mansions? Creating public building options for permanently affordable rentals? Implementing vacancy control so landlords can’t jack up the rent with each new tenant? Committing to housing as a human right and tackling homelessness directly alongside its root causes? These communist policies only seek to destroy the working majority by making them work less. Overall, the alternative could harm capital gains. Is that really what we want? For multimillionaire investors to pay a couple percent more in taxes?
Those concerned about size, location, and amenities of treehouses can fear not. With a real estate market that just keeps going up (probably), you can cash-in and upgrade in just 5–10 years. Perhaps you can save your money by skipping your daily iced chai latte, or get a better job by not bringing an iced coffee to your job interview, and upgrade to a one-bedroom condo (currently in the Metro Vancouver market for a mere average of $760,000).
It’s only natural for us to hang out in trees. It’s what we did millions of years ago — why not return to tradition? Over time, the population will hone their climbing and swinging skills. These will become valuable traits as the city floods and the current terrain becomes uninhabitable.
Our test pilot is all ready to go. We just need the staff, office, business licensing, money, and plans. That’s why today I’m asking SFU for a mere $100 million to invest in this rare opportunity. Under current market conditions, the school can expect to see a profit on their investment right around December 3026.
