Marissa Ouyang
Horoscopes: March 4 – 9
March 4, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 I think you should punch your midterm. Not in class, because that would be embarrassing. But metaphorically, you should punch it for all the stress it’s caused you. Giving the exam a good ol’ two-bit punch should set you straight for the rest of your term. Taurus April 20–May 20 The Stars think that you should hop into a 50-metre pool at the community centre immediately. They think you’ll learn something new among the waters, surrounded by children whizzing past you at breakneck speed. Maybe it’s humility? Maybe it’s just chlorine! Either way, go — swim…
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Horoscopes January 29 – February 2
January 30, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 The heavens have chosen. Aries is represented by Sikowitz. Just like the eccentric drama teacher, Arieses have no filter and are quite forgetful. This may land you in a sour situation, like drinking milk from an…
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Horoscopes January 8 – 12
January 8, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 IN: Rewatching Riverdale season 6. Do it for the superpowers. OUT: Stirring your tea with a fork (seriously, why do you do that?). Taurus April 20–May 20 IN: Covering the dead spider in your trash can…
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Horoscopes: November 27–December 1
November 28, 2023With the winter solstice fast approaching, you better bundle up, get your skookum snow shovel out, and prepare to dive into the holiday chaos that’s about to ensue. Aries: March 21–April 19 Winter camping is your jam. By that, I…
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Horoscopes October 29–November 4
November 25, 2023Aries Did anyone tell you that it’s shark week? Well, not in the way you think it might be. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of seven evil sharks during your midterm week. Defeating each subsequent shark in a battle of…
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Horoscopes October 16 – 22
October 17, 2023October 31 is coming up fast, and there’s a cheap Halloween costume with your name on it. If you’ve been scavenging Pinterest for a last-minute idea, get some quick and easy inspo that’ll guarantee your outfit is the only one…
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Horoscopes October 9 – 15
October 10, 2023Aries March 21–April 19 Change your phone wallpaper to something that will yell at you to do work. How about a photo of Nicki Minaj with the caption, “Barbs stay in school!” Or a picture of your favourite video game…
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Horoscopes October 3 – 8
October 3, 2023Aries March 21–April 19 Alright, Aries, it’s time to get your head in the game and narrow down this roster. You’ve been scouting all summer, and it’s time to start hosting tryouts. Playoffs are just around the corner, and you…
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Horoscopes September 18 – 24
September 19, 2023I spent the past couple days watching Selling the OC trying to acquire wealth through osmosis. What out of context quote from the Selling universe will predict your week? Aries: “When in doubt, hide behind your empanadas.” — Bre Tiesi.…
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Horoscopes September 4 – 10
September 5, 2023Aries We know you’ve already created your Halloween playlist, and I can bet you anything that the Ghostbusters (1984) soundtrack is definitely on it. But do you really need to be listening to that in early September? I’m sure the…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]