Marissa Ouyang
Horoscopes October 7 – 13
October 7, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Breaking news: Aries, Queen Bee of the New York Socialites, is stepping down after her scandalous angry outburst at her friend because “she chews too loud.” I wonder who’s next in line to the throne? Taurus April 20–May 20 Spotted fleeing without dessert at a three-Michelin-starred restaurant in Manhattan, self-proclaimed food critic Taurus announced, “These restaurants ain’t shit,” and she could make better lime cheesecake. Gemini May 21–June 20 Spotted: Gemini is heartbroken after confessing his unrequited love for his best friend. Can our Casanova, who charms everyone and ghosts them the next day, truly fall…
Continue reading
Horoscopes: September 9–15
September 9, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Honey, congrats on hitting 1 million views on a TikTok lipsyncing about how “demure and mindful” you are for wearing an Aritzia pantsuit to get coffee. With your newfound clout, it’s written in the stars that…
Continue reading
Horoscopes July 22–28
July 23, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 This summer, please take a course on internet safety and the effects of AI. I know you want to become more adventurous and outdoorsy, but asking ChatGPT for hiking directions might not be wise. Choose a…
Continue reading
Horoscopes July 8–14
July 8, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 If you’re an Aries man, yikes. You’re already prone to Chronic Mansplaining, which can be reputation-threatening if not caught early. To avoid a cosmic pummeling, be humbled publicly this week. If you’re an Aries non-man, this…
Continue reading
Horoscopes July 1–7
July 2, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Isekai this, isekai that. Everything you own is isekai because you deeply relate to boring protagonists with no personality, and use manga for wish fulfilment. I promise if you were thrown into another world, you would…
Continue reading
Horoscopes June 24 – 30
June 24, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 You totally fell for the Sonny Angel epidemic. You couldn’t resist the cuteness and just bought one, telling yourself it’ll be good for the economy. Soon, you thought it wouldn’t hurt to give it a friend.…
Continue reading
Horoscopes June 17 – June 23
June 17, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Anything but a G-string As an Aries, you’re fun, energetic, and the life of the party. At Pride, you’ll be jumping up and down, dancing, and because of this, we need to ensure the goods are…
Continue reading
Horoscopes June 10 – 16
June 13, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 You’re built completely different. Look at you getting last-minute candy in the Burnaby campus vending machine room, which is a real room solely dedicated to vending machines. You also made sure to hit up those…
Continue reading
Horoscopes May 27 – June 2
May 27, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers Listen, who are you trying to kid? You’re gonna show up to the bar insisting you’ll sing a different song, but you won’t. You’re a creature of habit, and the rest…
Continue reading
Horoscopes May 6 – 12
May 6, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Just delete all your social media. You do not have the self-control to prevent yourself from typing, “must be nice spending your parents money insert face blowing a kiss emoji here” under an aesthetic Amsterdam pic…
Continue reading
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]