Fake News
Faux SFSS election profiles
March 16, 2015With the transit referendum engulfing the Greater Vancouver area and the upcoming federal election happening later this year, it’s refreshing to finally have politics worth paying attention to: the 2015 Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) elections. You may be thinking, “Oh, you mean those elections filled with unelectable candidates whom I couldn’t care less about?” Yes, those! But as a journalist and an important member of society, I am obligated to ask the hard questions and aid voters in assessing which student leaders are the best fit for you. Thus, I have decided to do something radical and actually get…
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Chris Brown beats Leukemia
April 8, 2013Unpopular music artist batters slightly more popular bone cancer By Gary Lim HOLLYWOOD — Famed American rap artist Chris Brown made headlines early last week after viciously beating the autoimmune disorder leukemia into remission. Eyewitnesses reported the 23-year-old rap artist…
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Quvenzhane Wallis won’t stop asking everyone she knows what a “c***” is.
February 26, 2013By Gary Lim and Alison Roach HOUMA, Louisiana — Uncomfortable silence and dry-mouthed stammering permeated the sleepy neighborhood of West Hollow, Houma yesterday night. When nine-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis asked her entire family over dinner what a “cunt” was.…
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Terrifying thing happens in Russia as usual
February 15, 2013Meteor storm over Chelyabinsk sends citizens into a state of ennui, frantically go about their day. By Gary Lim (Junior Cosmonaut) CHELYABINSK — The incredible took place early morning today over the Ural mountains, when an unidentified flying object burned…
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Doctors unable to find methanol in “poisoned” SFU students; balls neither
January 25, 2013By Gary Lim BALI — An international studies class from SFU made national news early morning today after being involved in a brief scare where it was believed the students had consumed methanol-laced alcohol. After lengthy examination by doctors…
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Superstar PSY will soon enter final stages of life cycle, says solar scientists
November 19, 2012The PSY is reaching critical mass, implosion imminent reports scientists, tabloids By Gary Lim Astronomers around the world are urging people to point their televisions to the skies to witness an astronomical event in the making, as the K-pop…
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English language recalls the word ‘literally’
November 19, 2012English language revokes word ‘literally’ as done in past with matlarf, and spoo By Gary Lim Citing flagrant abuse and underappreciation, the English language has issued a formal decree that starting Nov. 22, 2012 the word “literally” will be struck…
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Science triumphs over bees
November 13, 2012Mankind finally defeats the buzzing, honey producing menace. Moths next say scientists By Andrew McLachlan No, not the bees! Not the bees!!! Scientists are celebrating today as, for the first time, the number of bee hives across North America…
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Disney to buy out your entire childhood
November 13, 2012Disney concocts their most evil scheme since The Return of Jafar By Gary Lim Space Mountaineer Shocking news came from Disney Corporation after a confidential memo from the desk of Walt Disney executive Robert Iger was leaked on popular social…
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NHL Lockout continues, A-M, O-Z HLs thrilled
November 5, 2012As lockout enters second month, fans increasingly desperate; smoking their own scabs By Gary Lim VANCOUVER — Roger’s Arena stands empty. Where there should be crowds of cheering fans clad in blue and green, instead the stands lie bare, save…
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