University board concocts elaborate tale of “Where the koi fish went”
Crisis struck this week when, during the bi-monthly meeting of the faculty deans and associate chairs, SFU president Andrew Petter asked aloud, “Where do the koi fishes go in the winter when the pond gets all frozen and stuff?”
Caught off-guard by the comment and not wanting to upset the former attorney general of British Columbia, the entire board hastily concocted an elaborate tale of koi fish’s migration, with each adding onto the fabrications of the previous board member.
An epic was constructed of the koi fish travelling through a series of underground rivers to the warmer waters of Australia, where they would spend the winter frolicking in the coral reefs with Spongebob.
With Petter finally placated and quietly sipping his juice, the board wiped their collective brows and returned to the task of discussing scholarship policy.
As of press time,the dean of science is on his way to the pet store . . . again.
—Gary Lim
TSSU take strike vote by going around the table and each giving their opinion
The collective union of SFU’s TAs, TMs, SIs and LIs held a strike vote last week by sitting around a massive table and going around the room and giving their individual responses. Each member of the union was expected to say their name, why they were there, give one interesting fact about themselves, and then decide whether or not they were in favour of a strike.
Only a few of the teachers actually had something to say, while most were just there because they thought someone might be taking attendance, or that something really important was going to happen. Each and every one of them had to briefly speak while the rest just zoned out until their turn.
The entire affair was extremely tedious, and ended without anyone knowing what the outcome was, but they are expected to meet again next week to do the exact same thing again.
— Brad McLeod
Inside report reveals 65 percent of SFU’s annual budget now derived from grad swag
Surprising news has come out from the recently released 2013 budget, showing a large defecit in both alumni donations and tuition. To combat this, SFU administration has begun a new campaign promoting the aggressive sale of grad swag, their sole remaining source of revenue.
Grad swag, the cheaply crafted stuffed animals and pen sets bought as gifts by friends and family of graduands, is typically sold during convocation week, and earns several thousand dollars for the university yearly.
Under the new campaign, the sale of grad swag would be interwoven with community life at SFU. For example, admittance to the dean’s list would still be based on your G.P.A, but now it stands for gift peddling average.
When asked about the budgetary discrepancies, VP of finances Pat Hibbits told The Peak, ”Look quite frankly, we don’t know how, or why most of our funding dried up. Now you’re holding up the register line. If you aren’t going to buy a pen set, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
—Alton Kannengieser
