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Give the penis its time in the limelight

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We are in desperate need of peen on screen.

Flaccid penises are awkward. There really isn’t any other way around it. They just kind of hang there, flopping about in the breeze. But that really isn’t a good enough reason to not feature more full-frontal male nudity in film and TV.

Full-frontal female nudity abounds in film and television. Movies like American Pie, Not Another Teen Movie, and others from that same genre make plenty of dick jokes, but never actually bother to show one. They do feature more than their fair share of female nudity, though. While I will admit that there have been plenty of shirtless guys and more than a few bums in these types of films, all of them suffer from a distinct lack of peen.

The first time I saw full-frontal male nudity on screen was when I was 12 (sorry, Mom). It was at a sleepover and we were watching The Good Girl. While the details are blurry, I remember seeing a naked Jake Gyllenhaal running across the screen with it all hanging out. It lasted for maybe two seconds, but that moment was forever burned into my memory. In my young brain I was expecting that this was going to be some sort of normal occurrence in movies for adults. I was very wrong.

When I watched Old School the next year, my expectation was rattled. There was a streaking scene that featured prominently in the film, but even with its R-rating, all you ended up seeing were some male bums. While this wasn’t disappointing per se, I was confused. This confusion has persisted until the present day.

While there has been somewhat of a shift recently to show more frontal male nudity, the disparity still exists. So much so that if a film or TV show has a rating above PG-13, I just naturally assume that at some point I will be seeing naked women. I don’t have that same expectation for male nudity.

That is where the issue lies: the lack of equality in nudity. I am not saying to throw in an uncontextualized crotch shot to tick some sort of equality box, but it would be nice to see more male nudity on screen. It is something that happens in the real world. Men don’t always wear pants, or in the case of Chris Evans in Not Another Teen Movie, whipped cream.

Whether this is related to the aforementioned awkwardness of wangs, to the fact that there is a sexual bias in the industry, a lack of male comfort, or some combination of these factors it is hard to say. What is clear though is that the lack of on-screen full-frontal male nudity isn’t good for anyone. It confirms that the female body, unlike the male one, is considered a sexualized object, and even women in film and TV with a sense of agency and personality can be reduced to simply boobs and a vag. It also teaches young males that this is how they should view women, too.

This trend can also be seen as shaming the male body. There’s been a big push recently to assure people that vaginas and breasts are all beautiful and we should accept their differences, but there doesn’t seem to be a similar discussion surrounding the penis. If anything, it just confirms that they are floppy and awkward, and shouldn’t be seen or talked about. But you know what else is awkward and kind of flops around? Boobs. Yet we see them and talk about them all the time.

So, next time you see a penis on screen, celebrate it. It may feel strange or seem awkward, but embrace it. It will be better for everyone — and maybe soon, we’ll stop seeing flaccid penises as awkward and instead see them as beautiful.

Be sexy for yourself before anyone else

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[dropcap]B[/dropcap]eing sexy for others is challenging. There are so many factors to consider, such as what others do and don’t find attractive, and what you’re comfortable with doing in the name of ‘sexiness.’ For lack of a better phrase, it’s a total fucking shitshow.

Walking into any La Senza, Victoria’s Secret, or Swimco can be overwhelming if you are just looking for a generic bra to get you through the day, or a bathing suit so that you can actually go to the beach for once. You are bombarded, from the moment you walk in, by models with perfect bodies, and bras that will make you go up two cup sizes. Quite frankly, the whole process causes me to hyperventilate and become clammy — my mom can confirm this unfortunate reaction.

Sometimes, though, I decide to live a little and seek out something that isn’t as practical — something sexy. Once I do this, all the usual shopping anxiety that I have being a bigger and bustier girl disappears. I am in the clothing department to live my best life, societal expectations be damned. Shopping then becomes less about being sexy for someone else and more about being sexy for myself.

It’s so liberating, it makes me want to run around in lingerie and make the world my runway. I know I can’t do this, given that I would rather not be arrested, but I also don’t want the feeling to disappear, either.

Then I realize that I actually can make the world my runway: I just need to wear clothes overtop. My sexy feelings don’t melt away; if anything, they become stronger.

Feeling sexy isn’t just about bras and bathing suits.

The thought of being able to wear more than just your standard bra and panties out in public when nobody else knows about it feels to me like a shot of confidence and sexual empowerment. I feel sexy and I don’t care who looks at me — well, I do, but it seems like less of a big deal to have the creepy guy on the train smile at you when the cute guy behind him is clearly checking you out.

Feeling sexy isn’t just about bras and bathing suits, though. Some days I’ll wear blue lipstick, or run around in a hoodie and sweatpants with unwashed hair, and I will feel the exact same as if I were wearing lace. There is something strangely comforting about being able to feel sexy while doing something that is viewed as decidedly unsexy.

Feeling sexy changes how I react and present myself to others — whether or not I want to sleep with them. I carry myself differently, treat people better, and I’m not afraid to seek out what I know I deserve.
This is why I gave up on being sexy for others and decided to be sexy for myself first. It makes me a better person, it makes me more confident, and most of all it makes me feel more empowered as a woman.

A gentlemen’s guide on what to do when caught masturbating

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Let’s face it: there’s nothing more natural than masturbation. Jerking it, beating the meat, choking the chicken — fellas, the reason we have so many euphemisms for masturbation is because it’s the closest thing to a sexual art form for us. Unfortunately, one risk of masturbating is being caught in the act, so here’s a step-by-step guide for you guys out there caught with your pants down.

Diffuse the Dynamite

Chances are when caught in the act, you’re damn near close to ejaculation. The last thing you want to be remembered for is being that asshole who came on your parents, friends, roommates, etc. Your dong is a loaded stick of spermy TNT, so turn around quickly and let it fly, before your fertile frag grenade explodes on an innocent bystander. It’s basic love gun safety, gentlemen.

Hit The Exit Window

Now, this part’s trickier. Namely because the person walking in has probably already heard digitized exclamations of “you like this, you dirty whore” or “fuck me harder, you big stud” coming from your laptop. However, the last thing you want the world to know is that you are a aficionado of“Horny MILF Gets Gang-Banged By Eight Young Studs” trilogy. Hit that red “X” button fast, and explain that the noises are an experimental feminist music piece or something.

Whip Out The Kleenex

Kleenex is your best friend in this scenario, whether for wiping away your man goo or as a means of poorly covering up exposed genitalia. Use as much Kleenex as humanly possible to explain away your masturbation as a case of cleaning. This solution is foolproof, unless your penis is already so hard that the Kleenex covering it looks like a mummified tent-pole.

Get Rid Of That Erection

It’s time to put those mental powers of yours to the test. You got a massive erection and you need to get rid of it fast. Just hitting your ding-a-ling while yelling “go-away damn it” simply isn’t enough (plus, it’s pretty painful). Think of the biggest boner-killer as fast as you can, whether that be a crazy castrator chasing you with a knife or Khloe Kardashian’s face. Bring down that erect Eiffel Tower down by any means necessary!

Blame Society

Alright, let’s be honest with ourselves: All the shit you did before this step won’t hide that you were actually masturbating. So it’s time to pull out your ace in the hole and blame everything aside from yourself from your actions. After all, it’s not your fault you have account to Brazzers — those subscription offers were just too good turn down! If all else fails, just fess up and admit you’re a lonely pathetic loser with no relationship prospects. . . and then do the same thing tomorrow.

Four things every great hentai needs

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By: Anonymous, SFU Student

1. A generic protagonist 

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Maybe he’ll have coloured hair if he’s important, but then people won’t “relate” to him. You’ll want to make your protagonist big-cocked, fully-loaded and attainably average on the outside.

2. A vapid main girl with an eccentric best friend

girls

It doesn’t really matter who you fall for, you’ll fuck them both anyway.

3. Break at least one taboo in the span of an episode

girl 1

Most likely you’ll be fucking your sister. Or if you’re lucky your mom. If you’re not embarrassed to show your friends it’s too clean

4. End it with a bang

gbang

A GANGBANG, that is. With everyone in your class — and the teacher too.

Butt Plugs that aren’t but should be on the market

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By: Justin Stevens

The Spring

spring

“Jumping your partner’s bones has never been this fun.”

 

The Feather Duster

duster

“Take that french maid fantasy to the next level.”

 

Mario Raccoon Tail

tail

“Hit up the power up in your relationship and soar to new heights. NOTE: Matching ears and hat not included.

 

Scorpion Tail

scorpion

“Make your sex life a little more intere-STING.”

 

Jackhammer

jackham

“Break new ground and pound that asphalt.”

 

Some intrauterine education

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[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he last time I paid for — or even thought about — birth control was about two years ago.

That’s not a result of self-imposed abstinence or some ill-informed ‘rhythm method’ practice. Almost two years ago, I found the birth control method for me in an intrauterine device (IUD — not to be confused with DUI or UTI).

An IUD, for those who don’t know, is a T-shaped device that sort of looks like a double-fishhook. The two main types are copper, which naturally prevents pregnancy, or plastic with a gradual release of the hormone levonorgestrel. Mirena, the brand behind my IUD, notes that there isn’t a single explanation behind why this hormone prevents pregnancy, but a collection of reasons. Whether it’s “thinning the lining of your uterus” or something else, this birth control method is over 99 percent effective. The device is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional, and it stays there for years, depending on the type.

Like a lot of other women, my first contact with birth control was combining the pill and condoms, and praying that nothing would go awry. The pill was great for a while — until I got tired of renewing my prescription every few months, encountering issues with medical coverage, and shelling out too much money even with coverage. I’m a big believer that birth control should be readily accessible, no matter the form. I had also started hating having to remember to take the pill at the same time every day, as well as the spotting and unpredictable periods.

This is why choosing to get an IUD was the best decision for me. The first point in its favour: I don’t have to worry about it for another three years. Three years! I’ll be 25 years old then! Justin Trudeau will be midway through campaigning for the next federal election! There will be hover cars and time travel and probably a new suite of Spider-Man movies!

I went to the doctor to discuss my IUD options, got the prescription, and went to the doctor once more for the procedure.

When I was on the pill, I liked feeling proactive, that I was in control of my own birth control every day. Now I like not having to think about it at all. I went to the doctor to discuss my IUD options, got the prescription, and went to the doctor once more for the procedure.

The second point in the IUD’s favour is that it didn’t cost me a cent. If memory serves, I was paying about $20 for three boxes of the pill every few months. I haven’t had to pay for birth control since I switched methods.

This is because of beautiful, wondrous medical coverage. Without coverage, the IUD can become expensive: according to The Globe and Mail, prices can range from $80–160 for a copper device, and $325–360 for a hormonal one. Consider those costs, though: if I had continued to pay roughly $20 every three months for the pill over a period of five years, it would amount to roughly $400. In those terms, the IUD is far less expensive and far more convenient.

I have no doubts that the IUD was the right birth control method for me at this point in my life. That doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone, and there are risks. The device can “go through the wall of the uterus and cause other problems,” according to Mirena; if you are one of the eight in 1,000 women who becomes pregnant while on the device, there is a risk of ectopic pregnancy, where the pregnancy develops in the fallopian tubes rather than the uterus.

IUDs also don’t protect against STIs, and not all women are comfortable changing their bodies through hormones and implantations.

It is so important, if you are sexually active, to research what methods are right for you. You may prefer the pill or an IUD, or choose something else entirely, such as the patch or condoms. It’s your body, so you have to be comfortable with what you’re using on it.

Is gay porn giving me a white guy fetish?

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[dropcap]I[/dropcap]think I’ve been watching too much gay porn.

It’s no shock that the media we consume, be it visual or auditory, affects our opinions of people and situations in the world. We know that music can induce certain emotional responses, or that we can become desensitized to disturbing content the more that we watch it. Some suggest that advertising works on a subconscious level. Point being, the media we are exposed to can affect our perceptions on life.

I saw this guy the other day. He was a gorgeous South Asian man. Cocoa dark skin and curly black hair — and oh, the way I wanted him to look at me. Let’s just say the entirety of the song “Finally” by CeCe Peniston went through my head, and I had one of those ‘our lives together’ moments: loft apartment downtown overlooking English Bay, maybe a small dog or a cat, dinner parties, game nights with friends, travelling the world, and growing old together. This all came to a shattering end when he embraced a girl in a more-than-friends way. Still, it was nice while it lasted.

A short time later, a white guy who was equally gorgeous walked by. This time, instead of imagining scenes of domestic bliss, my fantasies with him were lust-filled and X-rated. Both guys were equally sexy — and let’s be clear, if the first guy were to approach and embrace me, I would have no problems with any triple-X-rated acts. But lust simply wasn’t my initial thought with the first man like it was with the second.

Even if you remove the “twink,” “jock,” or “boy next door” labels, there is a proliferation of whiteness in porn.

This scenario caught me off guard, and I began to do a little introspection. I realized that for the last little while I had been looking at white men differently than men of colour. I was completely sexually objectifying the white guys I found attractive, while the physical draw to the non-white guys had been only a part of my thoughts.

I’m not one of those guys who ‘has a type’ based on skin colour. I’ve dated and slept with guys from many different backgrounds, yet here I was realizing that skin colour was playing a direct role in my initial opinion of guys. Why? What was affecting my perception? The only thing I could think of was the porn I watch: it’s generally all white.

I find there is a saturation of white guys in gay porn. Even if you remove the “twink,” “jock,” or “boy next door” labels that we give different builds and genres, there is a proliferation of whiteness. A friend of mine laughed when I brought this up and suggested, “Maybe you’re just watching the wrong porn?” That could be; there is a lot out there, even without the amateur or home videos that flood the net. Though, even if I try to find a more varied cast — and I did look — when I do see a guy of colour, the “thug,” “Asian,” or “interracial” tag typically takes precedence.

So, I’ve decided to stop watching porn for a while to see what happens. I’m guessing porn isn’t a bad thing to walk away from anyway, and I am past the point of being in a small town with no outlet except the Internet. Also, the porn we watch is not the sex we have, no matter how gorgeous you are. If all goes well in a few months, without the programming, I’ll be in the fantasy loft with all the guys — even the white ones.

Masturbation is the safest form of sex, not abstinence

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[dropcap]E[/dropcap]ighth grade me watched in amusement as the girl on the TV screen pushed her boyfriend away. “Abstinence is the safest form of sex,” the narrator’s voice boomed through the speakers, and the message began to settle in the sex ed class. After high school, it stayed with me for a long time. For the next five years, “abstinence” was my automatic answer when someone asked about the safest form of sex. I realized only recently that masturbation might actually be the safest method of sex, and that abstinence is not a form of sex at all.  

I realized this a few months ago, when I read someone’s rant on the Internet about abstinence. The author was complaining about the amount of focus abstinence gets in sex education, even though it’s not even a type of sex. Being abstinent means that a person won’t engage in sexual activity — with anyone, including themselves. Doesn’t that disqualify abstinence as a sexual act?

Don’t get me wrong, I agree that abstinence is a great way to avoid both getting pregnant or catching an STI. A person won’t catch anything if they don’t have sex, just like they won’t get hit by a car if they don’t walk down the street.

But is there a way to relieve oneself of sexual thirst without being contaminated?

Uh, yeah: masturbation. I am shocked at how little we talk about masturbation as a safe sexual practice, because the simple matter of fact is that no one can catch a disease simply by masturbating, nor can they get pregnant. However, masturbation is still a type of sex, and it’s probably the only type of sex that is 100 percent STI-free.

No one can catch a disease simply by masturbating, nor can they get pregnant.

Why, then, aren’t we talking more about masturbation in sex education classes?

Maybe it’s because many public school sex education programs are concentrated more on protection than pleasure. If there needs to be a conversation about abstinence, there doesn’t need to be a lot of talk about pleasure. Just don’t have sex. Conversation over.

If students follow these instructions, they’re safe. They won’t catch an STI, and they won’t be popping out babies. If they don’t want to follow the instructions, then they’re already educated enough on forms of sexual protection, so at least they’ll be safe. And masturbation? It’s an untapped resource just left on the sidelines.

As an enthusiastic supporter of sexual pleasure, I’m bothered by this. Learning about abstinence is helpful — it could be the right thing for some people, and it’s great that they will have this information. However, parading abstinence around as the only form of safe sex completely overlooks the fact that masturbation allows people to engage in safe sex.

I would love to see masturbation become more of a conversation topic in public school, and eventually be taught alongside abstinence as an option for those who are trying to avoid STIs and children. In the meantime, all we can do is argue about the state of our sex ed, and masturbate.

Quiz: How well do you know vaginas?

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Think you know vaginas pretty well? Or maybe you don’t know that much, but are interested in learning a few things? Take our quiz and test your knowledge. Answers are at the bottom of the page — no cheating, though!

Q1: Can vaginas get erections?

  1. True
  2. False

Q2: How many sensory nerves does a clitoris have?

  1. 6,000
  2. 8,000
  3. 2,500
  4. 12,00

Q3: How many different kinds of orgasms can someone with a vagina have?

  1. Four
  2. It’s impossible to tell
  3. One
  4. Women don’t orgasm

Q4: Vaginal discharge includes a substance called squalene. Where else is this substance found?

  1. Seaweed
  2. In root vegetables like potatoes
  3. Shark livers
  4. Nowhere — only individuals with vaginas can make this substance!

Q5: How often should someone clean their vagina with soap and water?

  1. Once a week
  2. Every day
  3. As much as they feel it is needed
  4. Not really needed: vaginas are self-cleaning, and soap should be avoided

Q6: What is the life expectancy of pubic hair on the vulva?

  1. One month
  2. Three weeks
  3. It keeps growing until it’s trimmed
  4. Three months

Q7: Is vaginal weightlifting a real sport?

  1. Yes it is! You can lift a lot with a vagina
  2. No this isn’t a thing, vaginal muscles can’t lift

Q8: What part of the body does urine come from?

  1. The vaginal opening
  2. The glans
  3. The labia
  4. The urethra

Q9: What are Kegel exercises?

  1. A fitness routine that aids blood circulation in the vaginal area
  2. Stretches for the female crotch
  3. The squeezing of pelvic floor muscles
  4. A sex position

Q10: What does vagina translate (roughly) to in Latin?

  1. Temple
  2. Sword holder
  3. Canal or river
  4. Triangle

 

TALLY YOUR SCORE!
7–10 : Gynaecologist extraordinaire

Wow, you know your stuff!

4–6 : You know the basics

It seems like you’re familiar with vaginas, but you could always stand to learn a little more!

1–3 : You might want to do some research

It’s OK that you aren’t that familiar with vaginas, but we should all strive to understand bodies more! This is the perfect opportunity to expand your knowledge.

Answers: 
Answers:1-A, 2-B, 3-A (clitoral, vaginal, blended, multiple), 4-C, 5-D, 6-B, 7-A (the most a woman has ever lifted with her vagina is 31 pounds!), 8-D, 9-C, 10-B (sadly, even the word vagina has a misogynistic connotation.)

Your sex life according to your major

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Your major is a personal choice — one which can reflect your personality, quirks, and even your desires.  It only makes logical sense that it would be reflected in your sexual life, and sometimes things can get a little freaky. Maybe one day you’ll have a normal sex life after you’ve abandoned all hopes of using your degree and start working in retail, but for now, The Peak presents your sex life according to your major.

MATHEMATICS

You and your sexual partner contemplate the probability of making each other moan. You begin to calculate the chance of this single random event occurring and realize that the possibility is astronomically low, so you decide to call it quits. You just can’t argue with numbers.

CRIMINOLOGY

You straddle your sexual partner while kissing the nape of their neck and whispering sexy things in their ears like “We know you murdered that woman, David. We found the murder weapon knife covered in your fingerprints and we have multiple witnesses confirming that you were present on the night of the crime. The more cooperative you are, the easier this will be on you.” You then cuff them up, attend their trial to attest their guilt and watch as the judge sentences your sexual partner to a life in prison.  The hand of the law gives a good spankin’.

CHEMISTRY

“And with stimulation here, the release of  the chemical dopamine should trigger an orga—“ Oh golly. You’re glad you wore safety goggles.

PSYCHOLOGY

Whenever you and your partner are getting down, you get busy studying their behaviour and referencing Freudian theory in order to explain their strange sexual behaviours. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me because you have an Oedipus complex and I resemble your mother?”

ARCHAEOLOGY

As you and your sexual partner bone, you can’t help but think about bones the whole time.  “They found a 37,000 year old skull in Borneo which completely overturns long-held views about the region they were found in!” you ecstatically recall, moments before reaching climax.

KINESIOLOGY

You understand that bend, baby.  Life is sweet, and flexible.