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Jenny Yu on immigration, labour, and the Canadian Dream

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A photo of Canadian Dream
PHOTO: Courtesy of Jenny Yu

By: Clara Xu, Peak Associate

On April 15 at the SFU Audain Gallery, graduating visual arts students from the School for the Contemporary Arts opened their exhibition Kerplunk!, displaying the works of these students from CA 461, one of the last courses they take in their university career. The exhibition was a mish-mash of ideas and presentation styles, from massive chairs to a semi-voyeuristic video. The featured artists interrogated very different ideas, some around similar themes, such as social issues like labour, consumerism, and immigration; or reflections on cultural backgrounds and childhood. 

The Peak interviewed one of these artists, Jenny Yu, to discuss her experiences creating for Kerplunk!.

The following interview has been edited for concision and clarity.

How did your cohort settle on this year’s exhibition theme? 

For the fourth year show, everyone is doing their own personal practice, and it’s hard to figure out an exhibition name or theme when everyone’s work is so diverse. Someone said, “Kerplunk! as one of the examples of something fun. I guess it kind of encapsulates all of our works, because if you drop it, it makes a sound. 

As a cohort of students working in parallel over the course of four years, in what ways do your works inspire each other, and how does this feed into your own artistic practice?

We all come from very diverse artistic backgrounds, and we think very differently, and we all value different things. And I feel like seeing things from others’ perspectives, or seeing how other classmates try different avenues of artistic practices — like sometimes it could be craft, embroidery, crochet, or even something that’s very regular, like splattering paint or making the paint drippy — inspires everyone to do different things.

I read through the gallery program for your work Canadian Dream. What was the research and collaboration process like for the people you depicted in Canadian Dream?

I’ve always been interested in immigration because my parents immigrated here from China in the ‘80s or ‘90s. I really appreciate how Canada gives people an opportunity here for a better life. But, in the past few years, there’s been a lot of anti-immigration sentiment, and learning from what’s happening in America, once it gets bad, it can get worse.

In order to make my project happen, I had to go all around the city to just talk to the community, and get to know people through questions like, “Why’d you come to Canada? Where are you from?” Sometimes, those are the most interesting stories. Half of my project is on these interviews and their stories, and the other half is on the drawings.

Why did you choose to specifically depict hands in Canadian Dream? What did your creative process look like for yourself?

Right away, I was thinking of labour. So when I think about labour, I always think about hands. And I think it’s mainly because I grew up with people doing hard labour around me, like my grandparents, who’ve been farmers for most of their life.

 “What I’m interested in when it comes to beauty is when something isn’t perfect. There’s a characteristic, an innate, unique quality to somebody.”

— Jenny Yu, Student Artist

The reason why I decided on graphite, was what I noticed during the critiques during class. It would seem like people are very focused on the ethnicity of people’s hands if they’re in colour. And my idea of immigration — I didn’t want to focus on ethnicity, I wanted to focus just on the stories, and the idea of immigration on a whole. 

What’s next for you and your artistic practice?

With my art practice, I like talking about social issues, mainly issues here locally, because this is where I’m from, and I like building community and I like to get to know people, and I think the only way I want to do that is with art. For now, I’m going to go for my masters’ degree.

What kind of raccoon shitter are you?

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a racoon defecating on the floor of a lecture hall. There is a pile of poop behind it.
ILLUSTRATION: Olivia Blackmore / The Peak

By: Poopabella Fudgerton, Quiz Master

We already know that raccoons rule our campus — they roam the halls, guard the parking lots, and wait for the perfect opportunity to give you the jumpscare of your life (all while looking adorable). A raccoon showing up to lecture would be pretty interesting . . . but what if it shat during your lecture? Yes, it does indeed happen behind the scenes. Even better yet, what if we could match your personality to a specific type of raccoon shitter? Take this quiz to find out! 

  1. The weekend’s over (cries internally). What are you doing the night before the dreaded Monday?
        1. Rubbing expired lipstick all over my pet rock (that is dressed like a raccoon).
        2. Cooking up non-awkward conversation starters. 
        3. Folding up a pool chair to bring to class in the morning. 
        4. Locked in, studying for a test that’s 12 weeks away. 
        5. Reflecting on my weekend’s shenanigans.  
  2. You want to kickstart the morning of what should be a perfectly normal school day. What’s the first thing you do? 
        1. Make twelve things for breakfast. And then eat a quarter of it.
        2. Practice conversing with people by talking to myself in the mirror.
        3. I just do my thing (I won’t share my private details with strangers).
        4. I’m already at school. 
        5. Grab a sketchbook and people-watch on the way to school. No breakfast required.
  3. You’re preparing for class. What is your pre-lecture snack?
        1. Something from Renaissance — dessert is the booter placed on my car by the parking patrol. 
        2. Whatever the person next to me is eating — I NEED to make friends with them!!
        3. I don’t care.  
        4. Paper.
        5. The tea on my classmate’s laptop screen (should’ve minimized iMessages if you didn’t want them to be read!) 

4. What are you doing during lecture? Be honest.

          1. Planning for world domination. 
          2. Thinking about making small talk with my seat-mate.
          3. Maintaining a poker face. 
          4. Writing down EVERYTHING the prof says. Verbatim. 
          5. (Still) people-watching . . . for research purposes. 

5. If a raccoon pooped in your classroom, what would you do?

          1. I already know about it. We’ve been in cahoots this whole time. 
          2. Follow the crowd and proceed to safely exit the classroom.  
          3. Meh. Whatevs — we’re all poop-filled beings, anyways. 
          4. Raccoon? I didn’t even notice. What was on the second slide —
          5. Carefully observing the feces and poking it with my pen. 

Results

Mostly A’s: The chaotic raccoon

You’re the raccoon with the IDC attitude who couldn’t care less about what others think. You’d confidently strut up to the front of the class and use the podium as a toilet during the middle of a very important midterm exam, just because you can. 

Mostly B’s: The nervous raccoon

You’re the raccoon who just wants to fit in, and overthinks every social interaction. Pooping in the classroom almost guarantees social ruin, so you try to make a run for it, but then leave a trail of poop behind in your attempt to escape. Oh dear . . . 

Mostly C’s: The nonchalant raccoon

You’re the raccoon who tries to be cool and mysterious, even when it comes to your pooping business. You leave your mark in the corner of the classroom and try to make a calm, unnoticeable exit — which would’ve worked if only the awful smell didn’t give you away. 

Mostly D’s: The studious raccoon 

You’re the raccoon who attends lectures because you like learning . . . or crave academic validation. As powerful as you are, nature got the better of you. You don’t even notice the poop plopping down your ankles because you were paying too much attention to the human professor.

Mostly E’s: The wallflower raccoon

You’re the raccoon who attends lectures to better understand humans because you’re curious about these strange, yet fascinating, creatures. To avoid drawing attention to yourself, you hold it in until everyone leaves. Then splat.

SFU debuts virtual reality for snow days

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An illustration of a robot with an Iced Capp making its way up the mountain via the gondola. The AQ is illustrated in the distance
ILLUSTRATION: Cliff Ebora / The Peak

By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer

At SFU, a movement years in the making, built on generations of student advocacy, has finally paid off. Well . . . sort of. The university recently unveiled the new campus gondola. Only, it doesn’t exist in the physical realm. SFU’s cable car debuted as part of the school’s new virtual reality snow day package, complete with an immersive ride up the mountain to campus.

“As you know, sometimes the buses just can’t make it up the mountain,” president Joy Johnson, currently serving her sixth consecutive term in hologram form, told The Beep. “But we wanted to find another way to provide our students with that on-campus experience that they so value. So we figured, why not go ahead and do class virtually? Zoom is great and all, but nothing beats the feeling of being in a classroom or lecture hall.”

Since debuting, the virtual gondola has run into a few small hiccups.

“For starters, it’s already almost crashed twice,” a student and passenger told The Beep. “And the schedule is unreliable. Sometimes it’s late, or it’s over capacity and the server crashes. Then you have to restart your VR headset and redo the whole thing all over again.”

“My friend forgot his virtual student ID the other day, they made him walk all the way up the mountain in the snow.”

— SFU student

“and it was freezing that day in VR. I swear this technology is too realistic.” 

Burnaby Mountain is now fluctuating -40 to 50℃. When students arrive on a tropical campus, they’re especially keen on purchasing goods just as they would in the real world. “The virtual Iced Capp from Tim’s is actually pretty good,” one customer informed the publication. 

Students commented on the striking resemblances between the digital sphere and the physical campus, expressing both amazement and frustration. “It’s pretty cool. I even saw a raccoon and a bear the other day. They looked so real, I honestly wanted to try to pet them,” one VR user explained. 

“Somehow, all the elevators are still broken, even in virtual reality. I don’t even understand how that’s possible,” another noted. “I’m just glad my tuition is going towards creating fake construction and brutalist architecture instead of just buying some road salt or snow tires for the bus.”

Rumours circulating about the next VR update say that students will soon be able to pay parking tickets with their minds as well. 

Life Oil Ad: Life to give you life

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ILLUSTRATION: Olivia Blackmore / The Peak
ILLUSTRATION: Olivia Blackmore / The Peak

Robot bust-up in west mall

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two robots fighting over a charging port. They display clear physical malfunction.
ILLUSTRATION: Sonya Janeshewski / The Peak

By: Jonah Lazar, Staff Writer

People passing through the west mall complex were left stunned as two robots began trading blows, wreaking havoc, and endangering bystanders in a dispute over a charging port. Witnesses report that this brief altercation resulted with one robot swiftly imposing its will upon its adversary. “It pulled [its opponent’s] gearbox right out of its chest all Indiana Jones-style. It was horrible,” said Avery Bennett, SFU student. The Beep learned that the defeated robot was airlifted to a special robot intensive care unit. Meanwhile the perpetrating droid was taken into the robotics department to be factory reset. We approached the department for a comment; however, we did not receive a response by the publication deadline.

These two model 31 robots were part of SFU’s new pilot program to replace teaching assistants (TAs) with automated assistants (AAs). This came as a response to previous models being hacked by the TSSU to demand fair compensation. These new robots were built with heightened anti-strike software and can sbe shut down if they attempt to bargain for better working conditions. However, the program has yielded mixed results; SFU’s administration has praised the simplicity in negotiating employment terms with these unionless robots. Yet, issues have arisen when it comes to their interactions with one another. SFU’s coordinator for the program told The Beep that these robots are reportedly “more territorial than grizzly bears in heat” when it comes to defending their charging ports, and as such conflict has been common. 

SFU security chief Alan Gilmore revealed to The Beep, “We receive a few of these calls a week [ . . . ] since charging ports are quite sparse on the mountain, we’re seeing an increase in this sort of violent behaviour.” Later on, however, Gilmore acknowledged that this particular quarrel had been “one of the nastiest” since the beginning of the program. 

Many students have called for action from the university to address this increase in bionic violence. “How are we meant to be focused on our studies when this sort of stuff is happening on campus? It’s unacceptable,” SFSS president Maria Castillo told The Beep. “When you look at UBC’s measures to ensure their AAs aren’t interacting with each other, you have to wonder if there’s more that SFU could be doing to keep us safe.” 

SFU’s official statement on the matter reads that this altercation is being “blown out of proportion” and that the robots in question “were just blowing off some steam.” 

Welcome to the future!

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By: C Icart and Michelle Young, Co-Editors-in-Chief

If you’re reading this and it’s not 2076, that means our plan to use time travel to send the paper back in time worked. The Beep is now a dictatorship, and we have been running the paper for the past 50 years. Michelle finally has a hairless cat and C achieved their goal of appearing on The Traitors (they won)

After our first term as EiCs at what was then called The Peak, we were replaced with an AI bot that rebranded the paper for what would become a predominantly robot readership. However, the students demanded that human Peak— sorry Beep staff return after an issue published dozens of articles incorrectly announcing the opening of pools with cars inside them on the Burnaby campus (see page X). Upon our return, we implemented “old school” tools to restore The Beep’s reputation as the go-to publication for accurate SFU news. For example, to comply with the SFSS Council recording ban, all our news writers have been trained to use stenographers to produce transcripts. Our lawyer hasn’t confirmed whether or not we’re allowed to post them yet, but spoiler alert! A little birdy told me the SFSS spends $900,000 bitcoin every week. But don’t worry, there’s no deficit because they keep accepting room bookings from right-wing influencers.  

SFU no longer serves as a dystopian film set. Instead, they set up cameras on every square inch of all three campuses for 24/7 livestreams. Thousands of people have subscribed to watch the cleaning robots crash into walls and are placing bets on which one will be the last one standing. SFU administration claims the money generated from this is used to improve the student experience and will 100% secure us another year as Canada’s top university for innovation. C does not trust this Big Brother-style surveillance. Local activists have been putting stickers on the lenses to protect student privacy, but SFU security is taking them down faster than pro-Palestinian posters. But you can make your own decision about whether or not the future of SFU is truly bleak. Read this paper and see if this is a future worth aspiring to or fighting against. 

Good luck, 

C Icart and Michelle Young

Data centres at SFU spark concerns of possible Burnaby Tank Farm explosion

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By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Writer

Data centres at SFU were established in 2074 and have since powered the AI chatbots that help run the university. These chatbots, which range from personalized AI for individual professors to fully functioning executives, use significant amounts of energy and require immense cooling to maintain these operations.

Since its inauguration, the system has reportedly used 1,696,000,001 megawatts of energy and 2.5 million litres of water for cooling. Its effects are trickling down, as Trans Mountain executives have issued a warning to president Joy Johnson (now in hologram form) about resulting environmental concerns. Their letter calls for SFU to immediately decrease the production of heat from their data centres by 50%. They also request that SFU optimize their data cooling system to avoid a large-scale disaster at the Burnaby Mountain Tank Farm in the coming years. 

If soil and water temperatures continue to rise from the water runoff, the structures around the terminus of the Trans Mountain pipeline will be compromised. The Beep spoke to Mel McLurk, chief of the administrative office at Burnaby Trans Mountain, and Hugh Jass-Ol, data centre manager at SFU, to learn more. 

Although pipelines are built to expand and contract in response to temperature change, prolonged extreme heat exposure poses a threat to their structural integrity. “The temperatures in the soil around the pipelines reach highs of 48 in the summertime, which is putting significant pressure on the pipelines. The older parts that are not as equipped to manage this heat are at risk of bursting in the coming years,” said McLurk. Using fibre optic cables to collect data, McLurk reported that SFU runoff has been releasing 3000% more heat since the data centre inauguration just last year. 

With record-breaking soil temperatures, an accident may be on its way. “The Burnaby Tank Farm is especially at risk here due to large amounts of oil being stored at the terminus of the pipeline extension. If there [was] a pipeline burst and therefore an oil spill, as well as a well-timed forest fire, SFU would be at fault for the subsequent explosion, which is most likely to happen at the Burnaby Tank Farm due to its proximity to the centres,” she said. “Honestly, it’s been nice to point fingers about rising temperatures because usually we are the ones catching all the flak.”

According to Jass-Ol, the SFU data centres currently use a liquid cooling system to manage heat: water tubes directly remove heat from the CPUs and GPUs, which are the hottest sections of each data chip. The water is then rerouted to be cooled. “To save money, we made our own cooling tower for the heated water. Basically, the koi pond outside is where the hot water goes out of the data centre. From there, we throw tons of ice into the pool. 

“When the water is cooled, it gets stored in the cool water reservoir and reused. Most of the time, the ice isn’t enough to cool it, or we have too much hot water, so we’ll drain part of the pond, and the water just becomes part of our runoff,” Jass-Ol continued. 

However, this system isn’t without its sacrifices. Jass-Ol added, “We recently put out several mandates requiring all faculties and facilities at SFU to use less water and energy to make the best use of the data centre’s energy. That means no more iced drinks on campus. Additionally, we are limiting toilet flushes to one flush every three people. This should add enough water and ice to our system for proper cooling going forward.”

Human students expressed concerns over the data centre and its effects on their school experience, citing suspicions that water from the data centre is reused as drinking water. “In all the school emails, they keep saying that the water is totally safe to drink. I don’t buy it. It’s so gross and borderline hot,” said one SFU student, who wishes to stay anonymous. “It always tastes metallic, and one day last year, it totally tasted like fish,” said Tamara Bradey, another SFU student. 

Steven C. Gull, SFU’s bird-in-residence, was also recently hospitalized after he dove headfirst into the koi pond. “I was just listening to a Childish Gambino album, ready for my morning swim,” said Gull. “I didn’t realize that some outsider had destroyed my home and made the water boiling hot. I will be making a feature-length documentary about this injustice.” At the time of the interview, Gull was in the hospital getting a prosthetic beak due to the severity of the resulting water burn.

Despite objections from the Burnaby Trans Mountain team and SFU community members, the data centre “must continue [its] daily operations to make sure the data centre investment remains warranted,” said Jass-Ol.

Trans Mountain does not predict that their farms will blow up anytime soon, they said five years the latest, which is so many years from now.”

— Hugh Jass-Ol, data center manager at SFU

All consenting SFU community members have uploaded their minds to the cloud

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an illustration of robots with malfunctioning body-parts. They’re lined up for "Renaissance Gears,” a robot spare-parts shop. The shop is in AQ in Burnaby campus.
ILLUSTRATION: Yan Ting Leung / The Peak

By: Niveja Assalaarachchi, News Writer

At the culmination of a long-drawn-out process, the final consenting member of SFU’s community has uploaded their mind to the cloud. This revolutionary move has led to 90% of members of the student body and faculty being made up of robotic bodies.

The project was first proposed two years ago in a Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) Council resolution as a way to reduce SFSS spending. The resolution highlighted the student society’s precarious financial situation, following Council approving the construction of a giant permanent bouncy castle overlooking campus costing over $2,000,000. The councillor who proposed the motion emphasized the project’s benefit in reducing health insurance expenditures. They remarked that having robotic bodies will squash the need for doctor visits and medications — thus, health insurance won’t even have to be provided. 

Upon its approval, the resolution quickly received praise from the university’s administration. Many administrators pointed out the change would put the university at the forefront of similar educational institutions in the region. For this reason, president Joy Johnson volunteered to be the first human to upload their mind into a robot body despite already serving in hologram and AI form. 

The sharp decline in coffee drinkers (AI is doing all our homework, so we don’t need it anymore) led the student society to transform Renaissance Coffee into Renaissance Gears, a new shop where students could purchase spare parts when their robot form suffers a mechanical issue. This occurred shortly before the Great Coffee Incident of 2039, where Renaissance’s Coffee workers could not perform their required tasks due to their robotic bodies. Some of the errors committed by those robots include causing AQ to be submerged in cold coffee, destroying classrooms and valuable artifacts. The flood triggered the SFSS’ resolution of redirecting nearly $500,000 to redevelop the store.

What followed was backlash from the university’s community over the proposed changes. These members highlighted that cuts to health insurance would not protect students in cases of robot malfunction. Alas, despite heated discussions between SFSS executives and protesters, the relevant amendment is still ongoing.

One SFSS councillor, anonymously, told The Beep about how ingenious the plan was: “Everyone knows that robots don’t need medical insurance, plus who doesn’t want to have their memories permanently preserved!” They added, “So many of our memories were leaked when the university faced a distributed denial-of-service attack, so we don’t have anything to hide from anyone. I think that’s the sacrifice we have to make because this platform will allow everyone to never forget our memories.”

However, students have reported that the change has brought in a new set of problems. Many students have emailed The Beep and reported pop-up ads. Those ads are reported to display over their robotic main screen advertising Renaissance Gears’s promotion deal for robotic pieces. Additionally, accounts of software malfunctions and parts malfunctions were seen throughout campus in the weeks leading up to the change. Students discussed online that, following their transformation into robots their wheels have randomly turned without notice. Shani Warnakulasooriya, who is a second-year philosophy student noted that he was sent into a 45 minute loop only ending when he fainted from exhaustion. Another student who wished to stay anonymous told The Beep that they were furious. “It’s been nice being able to move around campus more freely with my wheels but my parts keep malfunctioning.” They said, “Renaissance Gears can’t keep up with demand and keep raising the prices of parts. How am I supposed to live as a student? What’s the point of coming to campus on time if my professor is 30 minutes late every time because the elevator’s out again?” 

However, many other students praised the decision, The Beep spoke to Robert Robotson, president of the Political Science Student Union (PSSU). Robotson was against the changes when he was campaigning for office, however, he now loves the changes. He strenuously denied allegations that his ideological change came about after Council’s approval of a $10,000 grant for the PSSU. “It’s been so amazing to hear the hum of motors on campus, I hate hearing the loud footsteps of SFU students, it’s a beautiful change,” he said

“It’s also been so easy to access all my information through the cloud. Is it scary that the people in power can access it now? A little bit, but it’s not like they didn’t have it before.”

— Robert Robotson, president of the SFU Political Science Student Union

Which path will your future take?

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By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer

LET ME PREDICT YOUR FUTURE. 

As an oracle of racoon present, tell me some things about you and I will predict your future. The only caveat is that all choices lead to a super depressing outcome: unemployment, AI taking over all jobs, etc.

  1. What was your favourite class in high school?
  1. Science.
  2. Math.
  3. English.
  4. History.

2. When you go to a coffee shop, what do you do? 

  1. Inquire where the beans are from! Are these arabica?
  2. Start chatting with the barista . . . or try to.
  3. Try to redeem a coupon that may or may not have expired (reasonable doubt).
  4. Order something simple.

3. What’s your dream apartment? 

  1. I’d love to travel more than I spend at home, so something small.
  2. As modern as possible! I can control the lights with my phone!
  3. One filled with books to signal how smart I am. 
  4. I say “bohemian,” my roommate says “messy.”

4. How “analog” are you?

  1. Does TV count? Since it’s not a phone?
  2. Honestly, not very. I like technology. It makes life easier.
  3. Paperlike screen protectors, digital cameras.
  4. Physical media is incredibly important.

5. What’s your go-to job interview weakness?

  1. It’s hard to delegate tasks to others. 
  2. I struggle to say no and overwork myself.
  3. I’m too detail oriented. 
  4. Sometimes I deviate from protocol.

 

Results

MOSTLY As

  • Lucky you, you get to travel to Mars. Your interest in science, culture, and technology makes you the perfect vessel for a cultural expedition, sponsored by TikTok. You better make sure you are up to date on your viral dances because literacy has almost completely fallen away: no one knows how to read anymore, and inflation is so out of control the only meaningful number is “67.” It means I love you. 

MOSTLY Bs

  • The AI that takes over your job is going to be friendlier and quicker than you ever were. It’s going to be able to do math in its head (which has been designed to look just like yours) and it will make jokes that land. Not only will you have been replaced, you will be jealous of all that you could have been if you weren’t limited to your fallible body.

MOSTLY Cs

  • You have no choice but to go to law school, even if you have no deep-seated interest in it. You want a stable job, even if it overworks you, and passion is the thing you’re willing to trade for a promise of a nice salary at some distant point. You’re smart, you have that going for you . . . but so does everyone else with the exact same dream, and theirs is a little more real. 

MOSTLY Ds

As an activist, you get a slightly fancier title than “unemployed,” which is really what you’ll be. The plethora of social causes will demand so much of your time that it will be impossible to divide yourself between them. It might be important to devote some time to SFU’s push to replace TAs with robots . . . But climate change is here. Maybe we can tackle single-use plastic first.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE FUEL

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ILLUSTRATION: Angela Shen / The Peak

By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer

The ALL NEW dining hall has revamped itself with groundbreaking, precise feasting. I was told that no student is able to think of any prompts to feed their AI essay machines after their meals. The university has optimized the dining buffet to be completely automated, ensuring no one drinks a gallon over their allotted maximum. Robots will distribute portions that have been precisely calculated. On behalf of The Beep, your correspondent has taken a chance to indulge in this cutting-edge campus facility to find out more. 

“How will such a specific amount of fuel be calculated?” I spoke with some of the speech-capable robotic staff. “Ingredients will undergo centrifuge and become separated distortions of their prior structures,” one replied. Once the liquid has been extracted, it can be doled out to hungry students with the steady paw of a surgeon. Some of the robots appear to be misprogrammed, and may release a gallon over the allotted amount. Luckily, bowls are equipped with extremely sensitive postal-grade scales and horns from now obsolete bus models. If overloaded, the bowl will start blaring so as to alert the dining staff to correct their mistake. This kind of service is extremely precipitous! 

Beyond a dizzying array of possible pastes, slurries, and gels to choose from (one of which was suspiciously foreboded by the bland taste of SFU’s signature cucumber sushi years ago), the dining hall has concocted a true architectural feat of ingenuity. One of the robot staff said that there’s no need for public vehicles; all of the metal here was repurposed from scrapped 145s and R5s. Eclectically selected materials have been masterfully welded into a fish-scale design of sorts. Continuing a pattern of resourcefulness, the lack of wooden furniture was explained by the university’s decision to burn them all. In order to conserve heat, “the new dining hall has maximized efficiency by modeling itself after an attic crawlspace to reduce vertical area,” another animatronic confided. I feel extra secure in my 5 ft 6 inch stature as my head nearly grazes the ceiling, and I enjoyed the standing tables crafted from repurposed gym floors. “They have a dual function,” I was told. Not only am I invigorating my robotic body’s nearly-inactive metabolic system as I pace in place, I am providing valuable biometric data to the dining hall. 

The only things that remain for the nearly extinct species that are human students, staff, and faculty are gruel and the soft-serve machine.

The Beep selected me for this assignment because I have no declared allergies or conditions; the soft-serve machine required a risk awareness consent form. I patiently watch a robot swirl what looks like milk mixed with the remains of the North Towers and smile, knowing that the university has balanced sustainability, technology, and refuse in this state-of-the-art dining hall. Take that, UBC.