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Campus Update: February 27th

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EIC
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>>Burnaby Mountain reclassified

The Society of Orographers recently revoked Burnaby Mountain’s status as an official mountain, instead reclassifying it as a large hillock.

Spokesperson for the society, Alan Jackson, told The Peak that the decision to change the status of the hillock is not at all trivial.

“When the ‘mountain’ was measured in 1965 during the construction of the university, it was measured in an archaic system no longer in use. Only recently by converting the units into metric, we’ve learnt the hillock is technically not high enough to be called a mountain.”

Already the effects are being felt. The government has revoked SFU’s crag insurance and it’s high altitude tax exemptions have been nullified.

—Ramon Garcia 

 

>>SFSS sick of explaining what they do

After  nearly a half-century of trying to explain the nature of the work in serving the student the student population of SFU, the Simon Fraser Student Society announced in a press release, that they would no longer be making any attempt to explain what it is they do to the student population at SFU.

In the release, current SFSS president, Jeff McCann states several times the exhaustion and raw anger the society feels at the student body.

“Not only do they refuse to meet up half-way, they won’t even meet up one-one hundredth of the way. We’ve given them  information sessions, published hundreds of articles detailing each of our postions with total transparency. We are this close to going total KSA,”  he said, inching his fingers together.

-—Gary Lim

 

>>New AQ bathroom

In a sparsly attended ribbon cutting ceremony, the newly renovated AQ bathrooms were opened to the public last Tuesday, and holy shit are they majestic.

Boasting features including stalls that are able to be locked using a lock and and the sinks have knobs. Above the sinks, the mirror shine brilliantly with nary a swastika nor several swastikas carved into them.

Also, each washroom is equipped with a  Dyson Airblade. Fuck flying cars, Dyson Airblades are evidence that we are, in fact, living in the future.

As of press time, the bathrooms are currently closed, due to extensive vandalism, fire damage, flooding, and what evidence suggests is a biological warfare attack.

—Julie Wilson

 

By Gary Lim

Listless: Alternate SFU Slogans

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EIC
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By Gary Lim

Now, as those of you who read the inferior sections of this paper might know SFU recently changed their slogans, from “Thinking of the Future“ to “Engaging the World” with the Envision SFU project. What you may not know is that that before “Engaging the World”, the SFU administration came up with several other slogans which will never see the light of day. As they should.

Alternate SFU slogans

  •  Engaging the future
  •  Thinking about engaging
  •  Inter-bridging the present
  •  Comprehending the globe
  •  Understanding the engagement
  •  Instating the not-past
  •  Synergizing the Earth
  •  Initiating the including
  •  Linking the links
  •  Supervising the planet
  •  Reinventing initiation of the  engagement of the future-world
  • Fuck bitches, get money

The Daily Snooze: Enlightenment

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EIC
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By Jacob Samuel at The Daily Snooze

Good to Know! February 27th

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EIC
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By Gary Lim

Scientists at the Riesling Insitute for Research made a ground-breaking discovery yesterday by providing definite, undeniable, infallable proof that a kind and loving God does not, in fact, exist. Their research goes to show that any sort of universally benevolent force, not only God but angels, mother nature, or the spirits of one’s ancestors, could not exist within what is currently known to comprise the universe. The scientists go on to say that the general population will take the knowledge well that they are existing on motes of dust floating around tiny specks of light the vast unfeeling emptiness of space, until their souless carbon forms succumb to the decay of time.

­—Dawson Richardson

Game review: Resident Evil: Revelations

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EIC
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By Edward Mah

Well-made overall, with its biggest downfall being the limiting atmosphere factor of the Nintendo DS

There’s been a flood of zombie media lately, such as Walking Dead, World War Z, and Dead Rising, that have spawned and devoured pop culture. Resident Evil is more of an alpha zombie that’s infected the hordes to come. As the recent title Resident Evil: Revelations shows, being first can have its advantages.

Revelations picks up just before the beginning of the last full entry with fan favorite Jill and newcomer Parker at the helm. The duo finds themselves on an abandoned cruise searching for answers about Terragrigia, a futuristic city decimated by a bio-weapon attack. Considering the series is unnecessarily convoluted, Revelations is a step back in the right direction with a streamlined plot and a simpler, self-contained story that welcomes newcomers to the franchise.

Campaign sections are broken into chapters reminiscent of a TV show, using flashbacks to cutscenes in the previous chapter. Gameplay focuses on tight corridor shooting and overwhelming players with careful enemy placement. Capcom has stuck to its tried and true formula, using low ammo counts and occasional boss battles to keep gamers on the edge of their seat.

The visuals of Revelations are simply stunning with a fantastic attention to detail on display. The lighting is brilliant, setting the eerie mood each time players take a trip into an abandoned hallway. Capcom has again forgone zombies as enemies but the hideous creatures players will encounter are plenty scary as they are covered in oozing blood and spikes.

This is extremely unusual but the biggest problem Resident: Evil Revelations suffers from is its platform. The 3DS is a great machine and Revelations is a very good game.

The plaguing issue that keeps arising is that survival horror games thrive on creating atmosphere, something that’s impossible to maintain if the user is sitting on a bus or in a coffee shop. It doesn’t make the game bad, just more difficult to enjoy.

Resident Evil Revelations isn’t for everyone but gamers that can find a quiet space to frighten themselves will enjoy the wet and wild ride.

Movie review: Goon

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EIC
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By Ljudmila Petrovic

Another lively addition to the genre of testosterone-fuelled ‘not a boy, not yet a man’ flicks

Seann William Scott stars in Goon as Doug, a lovable club bouncer whose lack of direction in life is his parents’ biggest disappointment. After attending a local hockey game with his quirky and socially inappropriate friend (Jay Baruchel, also co-writer of the screenplay with Evan Goldberg) and getting into a fistfight with one of the players, the coach shows interest in Doug and invites him to attend a practice.

Despite his complete lack of talent for hockey, Doug makes it big when the Halifax Highlanders take him on to protect Laflamme (Marc-André Grondin), a nimble hockey star who lost his nerve after a fight on the ice with Ross Rhea (Leiv Schreiber), a player infamous for his punches. Laflamme spirals into a lifestyle of drugs and womanizing and, despite his initial scorn towards Doug, the two eventually develop a camaraderie.

Additionally, Doug manages to woo Eva (Alison Pill), a cute-as-a-button girl who hangs around bars, sleeps with hockey players, and cheats on her boyfriend. Their courtship is adorable at times, funny at times, and sad at times, but overall it adds a certain touch to the general plotline.

The main strength of the movie lies in the characters: the hockey team is made up of quirky characters, from a recently divorced team captain to a pair of Russian brothers. The interactions between them result in hilarious antics, and the audience is drawn to follow them as their team spirit grows and they start to appreciate one another, especially Laflamme and Doug.

Doug is good-natured, but dumb, and elicits sympathy and support from the audience, while Seann William Scott does an excellent job of portraying an oblivious, but caring, character.

Overall, the movie will definitely elicit some chuckles, and the humour is steady throughout. It also has the benefit of being part of the relatively rare genre of sports comedies, with a screenplay by one of the co-writers of Superbad and Pineapple Express.

This being said, however, there is not much more than that; Goon is a good movie to see if you’re not looking for much more than some laughs and some original characters. There is nothing spectacular about it: it is meant to be lighthearted and humourous, and it hits the mark in this sense, but it does not go far beyond that.

 

Word on the Street: Lent

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EIC
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By Gary Lim

Ski Ninjas: Hoes

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EIC
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By Kyle Lees at Ski Ninjas

Track team continues strong season at Indoor Championships

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EIC
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By Adam Ovenell-Carter

Last week, the SFU track and field team headed to Idaho to compete in the GNAC Indoor Championships. They came home with plenty to show for it.

The Clan entered as potential favourites in a number of events, particularly the distance medley relays where both the men’s and women’s sides were ranked number one going in — and neither side would have to wait long to get their opportunity.

Both sides raced on the first day of the champiosnhips, and both sides came away victorious. Keir Forster opened the race for the Clan, followed by Stuart Ellenwood, Adam Reid, and anchored by Ryan Brockerville. Brockerville quite literally ran the race of his life, setting a new personal best on his leg of the race. Meanwhile the quartet’s time of 10:04.48 set a new meet record, and gave the Clan the victory.

On the women’s side, the team of Lindsey Butterworth — fresh off GNAC Athlete of the Week honours — followed by Abbey Vogt, Sarah Sawatzky, and Michaela Kane earned another victory for SFU, finishing with a top time of 12:11.42.

“Our team’s performance was great [on the first day],” said head coach Brit Townsend. “We have the smallest team here and are getting some great results.

“Our goal was to come away with some strong performances to build a foundation . . . to match the top schools.”

The Clan’s success continued on day two, earning two second-place finishes and one more win. Andrea Abrams ran well enough to earn second place in the 60-metre hurdle event, while Brockerville did the same in his mile-long race.

Butterworth, who has been a star for the Clan all season, and in just her second year, earned the team’s final victory with a one-second victory over Seattle Pacific’s Heidi Laabs-Johnson in the one-mile race. To round out her weekend, she finished fourth just behind teammate Michaela Kane in the 800-metre race.

All in all, it was a very productive weekend for the Clan, and they are no doubt well on their way to asserting their spot as one of the top teams in the conference. And now, with the 2012 GNAC season officially in the books, the Clan have
the opportunity to make their mark on the outdoor season come March.

Medal haul for swim team

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EIC
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By Adam Ovenell-Carter

It’s not quite Michael Phelps territory, but the SFU Clan men’s swimming team turned in quite a performance at the Western Canadian Championships last week. The team earned eight medals at the Winnipeg-staged event, even setting a couple new school records along the way.

Julian Monks led the way for the Clan, earning gold and bronze medals in solo events. The sophomore, who has had an up-and-down career with the Clan, finished atop the podium in the 50-metre breaststroke while his bronze came in the 100-metre breaststroke. While Monks was the only swimmer to capture a gold, he was arguably upstaged by teammate Dmitar Ivanov, who finished with a pair of silver medals in the 100-metre and 200-metre backstroke events.

Ivanov finished with times of 56.10 and 2:00.19 in the 100-metre and 200-metre events respectively, which put his name at the top of SFU record books for each event.

And while Ivanov was busy rewriting the record books, Hans Heyer was on his way to becoming the third swimmer for the Clan to bring home two medals in solo races. He finished just behind Ivanov in the 100-metre backstoke to earn a bronze, and captured a silver medal with an impressive showing in the 50-metre event.

Monks and Ivanov would later earn another silver medal, this time as part of a four-man team in the 400-metre medley relay. Along with Greg Laughlin and Adam Kautz, the four earned SFU’s seventh medal of the tournament.

To round out the medal haul were Kautz, Laughlin, Kevin Nickerson and Ben Berg, who together earned a bronze in the 400-metre freestyle relay.

And while it was the men’s side that earned all of the Clan’s hardware over the Championships, the women’s side didn’t race poorly. A member of the Clan reached the finals in eight separate events while both the medley and freestyle relay teams did the same. Unfortunately, the women didn’t win any medals, but that doesn’t take away from the Clan’s impressive outing.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society