>>Burnaby Mountain reclassified
The Society of Orographers recently revoked Burnaby Mountain’s status as an official mountain, instead reclassifying it as a large hillock.
Spokesperson for the society, Alan Jackson, told The Peak that the decision to change the status of the hillock is not at all trivial.
“When the ‘mountain’ was measured in 1965 during the construction of the university, it was measured in an archaic system no longer in use. Only recently by converting the units into metric, we’ve learnt the hillock is technically not high enough to be called a mountain.”
Already the effects are being felt. The government has revoked SFU’s crag insurance and it’s high altitude tax exemptions have been nullified.
—Ramon Garcia
>>SFSS sick of explaining what they do
After nearly a half-century of trying to explain the nature of the work in serving the student the student population of SFU, the Simon Fraser Student Society announced in a press release, that they would no longer be making any attempt to explain what it is they do to the student population at SFU.
In the release, current SFSS president, Jeff McCann states several times the exhaustion and raw anger the society feels at the student body.
“Not only do they refuse to meet up half-way, they won’t even meet up one-one hundredth of the way. We’ve given them information sessions, published hundreds of articles detailing each of our postions with total transparency. We are this close to going total KSA,” he said, inching his fingers together.
-—Gary Lim
>>New AQ bathroom
In a sparsly attended ribbon cutting ceremony, the newly renovated AQ bathrooms were opened to the public last Tuesday, and holy shit are they majestic.
Boasting features including stalls that are able to be locked using a lock and and the sinks have knobs. Above the sinks, the mirror shine brilliantly with nary a swastika nor several swastikas carved into them.
Also, each washroom is equipped with a Dyson Airblade. Fuck flying cars, Dyson Airblades are evidence that we are, in fact, living in the future.
As of press time, the bathrooms are currently closed, due to extensive vandalism, fire damage, flooding, and what evidence suggests is a biological warfare attack.
—Julie Wilson
By Gary Lim
