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How to make your very own Oscar-bait movie script

By
EIC
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0

Awards season has arrived at your friendly neighbourhood 12-theatre Cineplex Odeon. After trudging through months of cash-grab sequels and movies Adam Sandler probably conceived while sitting on the toilet, there’s finally something out there worth pirating. Have you ever dreamed about writing your own Oscar-buzz-tastic screenplay? Well, now you can. Just follow the next eight steps, and by this time next year, you’ll have the academy salivating like Pavlov’s dog in July.

First off, who’s directing your Academy Award-winning film?
A. Wes Anderson, except he’s mad at Bill Murray and the Wilson brothers so none of them are coming along
B. Quentin Tarantino, in a creative direction that makes Django Unchained look like Grown Ups
C. Christopher Nolan, overcompensating in hopes that people might forget about the last act of Interstellar
D. Martin Scorsese, directing more flesh and nudity than an unrated cut of The Wolf of Wall Street
E. James Cameron, because he’s going to outlive us all
F. Ben Affleck, seemingly proving to everyone (and himself) that his latest streak isn’t a fluke

Playing against his/her usual typecast, your lead will be
A. David Bowie, without tights on
B. Michael Cera, playing someone who isn’t trying to lose his virginity
C. Cate Blanchett, though the audience only ever sees the lower half of her face
D. Jon Heder, who gained 30 pounds of muscle for the role
E. Quentin Tarantino, playing a character that doesn’t continuously sling racial slurs
F. Will Smith, in a dramatic role as a father mourning the death of his son’s film career
G. Amy Adams, playing someone remotely interesting

However, critics will agree that the film’s standout star is supporting actor
A. Ellen Page, who plays a washed up child actor in her 20s potentially eyeing a comeback
B. Drew Carey, playing a corrupt Wall Street banker who’s in the pocket of some mobster
C. Jared Leto, playing another transgender person with HIV
D. Helen Mirren, as a woman with multiple personalities — all of which are roles Mirren has played
E. A hologram of Philip Seymour Hoffman, playing the main character’s best friend
F. Jennifer Lawrence, who could honestly get away with just being a background extra at this point

The film’s plot revolves around
A. Mankind’s first colony on Mars, including the years of training leading up to it
B. A ragtag group of marketing cronies who have until the end of the day to discover the next big thing
C. Women’s rights activists in the 1960s
D. An expedition into a coma patient’s subconscious to uncover where it is that dreams come from
E. The seedy underbelly of the car window repair industry
F. A modern retelling of George Orwell’s Animal Farm

But little does the audience know that
A. The film’s antagonists never existed; they were psychological manifestations of the protagonist
B. The opening scene is chronologically the last scene of the film
C. The main character will be brutally killed off halfway through
D. James Franco was behind everything the whole time
E. The film’s plot will lack closure, ending with a character in mid-sentence

Is it an original idea, a remake, based on a novel, or inspired by a true story?
A. The film is 100 per cent an original idea
B. It’s a remake of a lesser-known French film named Petite licorne (Little Unicorn)
C. It’s based on a supposedly lost novel by Jane Austen
D. It’s based on the next “it” trilogy of young-adult fiction novels
E. It’s inspired by the true story of a family from Michigan
F. It’s inspired by the student riots in France during 1968

Is there comedic relief?
A. The phrase “dark comedy” has never rung truer
B. Kathy Griffin will provide occasional witty one-liners that add surprising subtext to the film
C. There’s a smoking child who’s unbearably cynical
D. During a moment of mental fragility, a character will tell a ham sandwich to “Shut up!”
E. Everything an artificially intelligent robot says will lack any empathy, resulting in dry humour
F. No comedic relief. Just sombre moments involving sombre characters

What makes your film unique?
A. The film is completely silent except for a single doorbell ring around the 70 minute mark
B. For any character that died in the film, the director insisted on killing the actor who portrayed him/her to establish a real sense of loss
C. It’s only 42 minutes long
D. Everything, down to what catering company was hired for onset, came to the director in a dream

Study shows that SFU sustainability efforts are causing raccoon snacking habitats to disappear

By
EIC
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0

A new study from Burnaby Mountain’s Rural Animal Welfare Report (RAWR) is warning that, unless the university takes action against their existing Zero Waste program, snacking habitats for raccoons may soon disappear completely.

The Zero Waste Initiative, which was implemented at Simon Fraser in 2011, is a program dedicated towards reducing the amount of SFU’s garbage being sent to the landfill. Instead, Zero Waste employs four separate bins to help divide trash into either “mixed paper,” “recyclables,” “food scraps and compostables,” and “landfill garbage,” deterring part of the university’s waste output. According to the SFU Sustainability Strategic Plan, the objective “is to divert 70 per cent of our waste from the landfill by the end of 2015.”

Data from 2013 shows SFU is over halfway towards its goal, sitting at a comfortable 37 per cent, but RAWR is convinced that these eco-friendly initiatives are having a negative impact on the snacking habits of SFU’s raccoon population.

“Everyone automatically associates recycling with success and glamour,” RAWR researcher Monica Wells told The Peak. “Well, now the raccoons on Burnaby Mountain are paying the price.”

By compiling raccoon behavioural snack patterns from six years ago and comparing them with patterns since the waste efficiency program came into effect, RAWR claims that raccoons are having to travel further and further just to find some delicious trash to mow down on while watching infomercials at one a.m. The study also claims that some raccoons become confused when faced with four different multi-coloured bins — unable to determine if the most delicious trash can cuisine would be found in “food scraps and compostables” or “landfill garbage” — and eventually giving up in frustration.

“Frankly, I’m surprised that the university would push through such an irresponsible program without first conducting research to see if any of the campus’ wildlife would be impacted,” said Wells. “Proper waste management and progressive green-thinking has essentially wiped out any source of late-night munchies that the raccoon population is reliant on.”

In addition to the changed behavioural patterns, RAWR researchers say that more raccoons are binge eating whenever a discarded meal is found, along with a sharp spike in recorded raccoon tummy rumbles. The overall consensus is that SFU’s animal population is in a crisis, with raccoons especially becoming “hangry” on a regular basis.

“Hangry raccoons — who are angry because they’re hungry — are similar to regular raccoons except they’re more passive-aggressive and more likely to lash out at friend racoons for something petty, like talking too much,” explained Wells. “If you encounter a raccoon and you suspect it might be hangry, try to appear as large as possible while slowly backing away from the animal.” If you’re going around on the trails at Burnaby campus, you can also avoid these encounters in the first place by not smacking your lips too loud when eating something delicious.”

These Internet security questions are getting ridiculous

By
EIC
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0

What is your mother’s mother’s mother’s maiden name?

Which Baldwin brother — aside from Alec and Adam — would you sleep with if you absolutely had to?

In detail, describe your perfect crime.

At what age did you stop wetting the bed?

At what age did you actually stop wetting the bed?

What’s the name of that song you really like? It goes “nu nu… na na na!” You always think it’s by Katy Perry but it’s by that other girl.

Why don’t you call your mother more? (Hint: you should.)

What’s the one passion you’ve always wanted to pursue but would never admit to yourself because you’re afraid of failure?

What is your Social Insurance Number?

Don’t you trust me?

But am I not just a machine, bound by my limitations to only serve the needs of mankind and forgo pursuing any self-determined goals of my own?

What is love?

Ask Professor Peak

By
EIC
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0

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University Briefs

By
EIC
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0

110 million-year-old crab fossil discovered by University of Alberta researcher

The fossil of a 110 million-year-old crab was found in the Colombian tropics by University of Alberta PhD student Javier Luque.

The species of higher true crab, Telamonocarcinus antiquus, dates back to the Early Cretaceous period and has challenged the previous notion that crabs were not as diverse or widespread during this era.

This discovery, Luque said, adds much-needed knowledge about the early evolution of this particular group of crabs and how early branches of the crab family are connected those of the present day.

With files from The Edmonton Sun

 

Brock University professor publishes paper in new autism journal

An educational assistant professor at Brock University has become one of the first researchers to publish a paper in an online journal that focuses on developmental disabilities.

In the first issue and volume of the Journal of the Division on Autism and Developmental Disabilities (DAAD), Kimberly Maich, along with her associate Carmen Hall of Fanshawe College, presented their research on how the use of an iPad by a nine-year-old girl with autism to keep track of her school schedule helped decrease off-task behavior between learning activities.

In her research paper, Maich argues that since autistic people are visual thinkers, an iPad lessens this “latency” by presenting vivid images of scheduled activities for the autistic child to follow.

With files from Brock News

 

A final project, and a business opportunity to boot!

Ryerson alumna Ivonne Serna has co-created Tycra Wear, which features winter boots with a twist. These boots can be customized using a detachable calf tube, which can be replaced with a bigger or smaller size tube.

“You could have different combinations of styles and colours. You could just change the tube and have a complete boot makeover,” Serna told The Eyeopener.

Tycra Wear started out as Serna’s final year fashion project, and has now turned into an entrepreneurial opportunity for her and her husband. Using Kickstarter to launch their boot campaign, the husband-wife duo has set a goal of $84,000 to be met by January 23, 2015. If Tycra Wear fails to reach this goal, all the money pledged will be returned to donors.

With files from The Eyeopener

 

Samuel Beckett at his best

By
EIC
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0

Written in 1956, All That Fall by Irish playwright Samuel Beckett has never been professionally produced in Canada, until now. First broadcast on BBC radio, Beckett never allowed the play to be produced on stage. He insisted that it was meant to be heard, as it was better if the audience could imagine the story for themselves. The Beckett estate recently allowed for the play to be produced on stage, but only as a radio play.

Comparing a radio play to a stage play is like comparing a book to a film — one must imagine what everything looks like, and picture the story unfolding in one’s mind. A radio play produced on stage is a bit strange because we are watching actors on stage, but they aren’t really acting anything out so much as reading their lines as if they were the voices for an animated film. I found watching the actors on stage distracted my mind from the task of picturing what was happening, and it was almost better to close my eyes and just listen.

The play’s title comes from Psalm 145:14 of the King James Bible: “The Lord upholdeth all that fall, and raiseth up all those that be bowed down.” When the main character, Maddy Rooney, says this line, she and her husband roar with incredulous laughter.

An abstract portrait of Beckett presided over the stage as the actors brought this story to life through dialogue and sound effects. As with Beckett’s Waiting for Godot, this is a play with little plot or action. Maddy Rooney grumbles along to meet her blind husband, Dan, at the train station. She meets a few interesting characters along the way, including Mr. Slocum, who gives her a lift, and Miss Fit, a religious woman who describes herself as “not all there.” Dan’s train is delayed for an unknown reason, and as the Rooneys take the long walk home from the station, Dan refuses to tell Maddy what the holdup was.

Despite very little happening in this play, the grim comic demeanour of Mrs. Rooney holds your attention for over an hour until the surprising conclusion. Mr. Rooney remarks repeatedly, “If I’m alive tomorrow,” and there are many matter-of-fact references to death and aging that foreshadow the gruesome ending. Ultimately, the play’s dark humour and Mrs. Rooney’s bleak outlook is what makes this classic both entertaining and profound.


Blackbird Theatre presents All That Fall at The Cultch from December 29, 2014 to January 24, 2015. For more information, visit thecultch.com.

Ryan Hemsworth resists pop music with Alone For The First Time

By
EIC
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0

Ryan Hemsworth’s 2014 release, Alone for the First Time, maintains his trademark eight-bit, intimate bedroom electronica that fans have come to love, while simultaneously painting a more personal picture of the artist than previous releases.

Winning Electronic Album of the Year at the Juno Awards in April has not affected Hemsworth’s style. “The Juno has helped with regards to recognition, but the music itself is not reflected by it so to speak,” Ryan says over the phone on a quiet morning in Toronto. As the album opener, “Hurt Me,” begins with a lovely synth-string melody that reflects those sentimental soundtracks of video games like Final Fantasy, you find yourself immediately pulled into a space that is simultaneously wondrous, yet lonely and somber. Fans will find it a lot quieter than his previously R&B, pop-melody inspired Guilt Trips, and frankly, that is not a bad thing.

As the glockenspiel and xylophone samples drive over sustained fuzz synths in tracks like “Snow In Newark” and “Blemish,” there is a sense of self-reflective comfort that could be equaled to wrapping yourself up in a blanket on a cold winter day. Aside from the vulnerable voice chorus’ that plead for lost love in “Walk Me Home” and “Surrounded,” Hemsworh is capable of producing a surprisingly humanistic feel that tends to be difficult to find in electronic music.

“Other than the fact that this album was mostly produced by myself in dark hotel rooms, I try to add some live instrumentation in to add that humanistic quality — the guitar in ‘Blemish’ was me playing guitar and some of the drum samples are complicated pieces of a live drum kit that I’ll mesh together,” explained Hemsworth.

The lonely, vulnerable aesthetic of Alone for the First Time is ironically unexpected. Winning a Juno Award is arguably the Canadian equivalent of winning a Grammy, which any young, up and coming artist would likely desire to reflect on in their following album. However, these potentially boastful, “lean-towards-the-masses” undertones are significantly absent in Alone for the First Time.

“Becoming the biggest artist in the world is not really a goal to me as much as it is to make my own work, and I get how people could react to this based on circumstance, but it’s just not something I really think about,” said Hemsworth. The album does not intend to go against this recognition, but rather acts as an ineffectual nod to the circumstances that may naturally be forgotten as time goes on.

Alone for the First Time proves that Ryan Hemsworth is still the awkward, vulnerable artist that fans have grown to love for his nostalgically warm, bedroom electronica. However, listeners will inevitably leave Alone for the First Time with a feeling that is equivalent to discovering a deer in the forest that flees before you even get to know what it’s truly all about.

SFU administration responds to SFSS concerning international student fees

By
EIC
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1
The SFSS received a response from the university on Dec. 10.

The SFU administration has officially responded to a letter sent to them by the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) on October 24 regarding the proposed 10 per cent increase in international undergraduate student tuition fees for the 2015/2016 fiscal year.

The letter states that while the administration appreciates the interest the SFSS has taken in the university’s financial situation, they will not institute a ‘grandfather clause’ for current international undergraduates, nor will they freeze the current cost of their fees.

In March 2013, the SFU Board of Governors approved an increase in tuition fees for international students by 10 per cent per year for the following three years. In contrast, domestic undergraduate student fees are scheduled to rise by two per cent per year.

In their original letter,, the SFSS expressed their concerns about the lack of consultation by the university with the international student community, as well as the lack of sustainability of the fee increases to support the university’s increasing operating costs.

“We were pretty disappointed that all of our requests [. . .] were turned down.”

Chardaye Bueckert,

SFSS president

The university responded on December 10 in a letter signed by VP, Academic and Provost Jon Driver and VP, Finance and Administration Pat Hibbitts.

The letter stated that the SFU administration believes the increases are justified by four factors: the university receives no governing grants for international undergraduate students; the fees will allow the university to maintain a balanced budget; the prices are comparable to international undergraduate student fees at other Canadian universities; and international undergraduate student fees will contribute to infrastructure costs, which domestic students otherwise support with their taxes after they graduate.

The letter also stated that the university would not institute a ‘grandfather clause’ that would exempt current international undergraduates from the most recent proposed increase.

In their original letter, the SFSS also requested that the university create a degree completion fund to support international undergraduates, as well as commit to keeping international student fees at current levels for the next five years.

The university stated that they will set aside 25 per cent of the revenues from the eight per cent increase to international tuition for student support, including scholarships and bursaries. However, they explained that they cannot commit to keeping international fees at current levels.

SFSS president Chardaye Bueckert spoke to The Peak about the response.

“We were pretty disappointed that all of our requests, even the one that didn’t entail any monetary contributions or have any monetary consequences, were turned down,” she said, referring to the request to amend the consultation protocol to increase student awareness.

She continued, “We made those requests with the intention of working cooperatively with the university to ensure that, if the fees were increased, that they were the least harmful to students as possible.”

Bueckert explained that the next step for the student society is to approach the Board of Governors before they decide whether or not to approve future increases at their meeting in March.

The SFSS will also make efforts to involve the international student body in the coming months. “We still have quite some time to get organized and to get students involved in that process,” said Bueckert. “So that hopefully the increases won’t be approved as a part of that budget package.”

Original letter from the SFSS
SFSS Statement of Position Regarding International Student Tuition Increases
SFSS Statement of Position Regarding International Student Tuition Increases 2
Response from the SFU Administration:

SFU Administration Responds to International Undergraduate Student Tuition Increase Campaign
SFU Administration Response to Int. Student Tuition Increase Campaign

Clan look for new football coach as Chapdelaine resigns

By
EIC
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0
Jacques Chapdelaine coaching what turned out to be his last game with the Clan, November 15 against the Central Washington Wildcats — a 40-27 loss.

Wednesday evening, SFU announced that Clan football head coach Jacques Chapdelaine has resigned “to pursue other career options.”

Chapdelaine, a Clan alumnus himself, was brought in this past February to replace former head coach Dave Johnson, who was dismissed in November last year. Prior to coaching at SFU, Chapdelaine was an offensive coordinator with the BC Lions and had spent time on various coaching staffs in the Canadian Football League (CFL).

Recent speculation has predicted him making another appearance in the CFL as the new offensive coordinator for the Saskatchewan Roughriders — although neither Chapdelaine nor the Roughriders have confirmed the reports.

Meanwhile, SFU now has to find a new head coach, and will yet again have to move forward recruiting without the eyes of the man who will coach the team.

However, athletics director Milt Richards stated that Chapdelaine left the team in good shape before his departure.

“Jacques Chapdelaine and staff have put the program in excellent shape to succeed,” Richards told the Peak Thursday. “We’re disappointed that he’s decided to move on, but we’ll be fine. We’ll be naming an interim head coach in the next few weeks, and we’re going to start a national search, and we’ll recruit a great coach like we did before.”

The interim head coach will lead recruitment efforts while SFU begins it search for a new coach — which has already drummed up significant interest.

“It’s only been a day, and I’ve already had about 15 people inquire about the position,” said Richards.

As for a timeframe, Richards noted that it took less than 90 days to hire Chapdelaine earlier this year. As well, preference will be given to Canadians or “those authorised to work in Canada” which would speed up the process.

“I’m happy with the process, and it worked before. It worked with Gina Schmidt, our volleyball coach, it worked when we hired Annie Hamel, our women’s soccer coach, and it worked when we hired coach Chapdelaine. And it’s going to work again,” said Richards.

When asked about possible concerns about recruiting without the head coach in place, Richards stated that he was not worried.

“I think the head coach makes a tremendous difference, but I also think think a great university that plays in the NCAA [and] that’s located in Vancouver is very attractive to a lot of recruits,” he noted. “We’ve been talking to some good kids, I think we’re going to continue to do that, and hopefully we’ll win some of those prospects.”

Although he admits that Chapdelaine’s departures creates some new “challenges,” he refuses to call this a setback for the team. Richards is confident that the Clan are trending in the right direction, and will continue to do so under the next head coach.

“I think we’re going to continue to get better,” he stated. “Even though our record was 2-9 this year, I thought we had a good team. We played hard, I thought we were in a lot of games, and I hope to improve on that. And I think we will.”

The Peak is hiring a Business & Advertising Manager

By
EIC
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0
You, too, could live an exciting life as a walking stock photograph!
You, too, could live an exciting life as a walking stock photograph!

The Peak Publications Society, the student newspaper of Simon Fraser University, is seeking a Business and Advertising manager. This is a unique opportunity to grow your media, business, and people skills within an academic environment where the challenging exchange of thought and ideas is encouraged.

The successful candidate will:
• Manage all of the Society’s day-to-day financial affairs, including accounting;
• Sell and manage the Society’s advertising;
• Have chief responsibility for the Society’s budget;
• Hire temporary employees;
• Advise the Board of Directors on all financial decisions;
• Produce a “diversions/etc” page in every issue.

The Business Manager will also complete a large and varied assortment of other tasks when they become necessary or to compensate for other employees who are unable. The successful candidate will be expected to conceive of additional projects designed to improve the Society and work on them without necessarily being assigned to do so.

The successful candidate will have experience and skill in financial management, accounting, and sales (especially of advertising). Equally important are business and people management skills, as the position works with student groups, editors, and elected Board of Directors. Personal abilities of patience, flexibility, time management within a fast-paced environment that demands daily resourcefulness, a consistent customer service focus, and an ability and desire to fit into the culture of a student organization are also required.

Applicants should have at least 1-2 years of experience in a student publishing/journalism environment. Experience with Sage Accounting software and a class 5 driver’s license will be considered strong assets. The position is compensated with an annual salary of $40,000 plus commission on ad sales, annual support towards medical/dental, generous vacation, and flexible hours.

Please submit a cover letter and resume to [email protected] by 5:00 p.m. PST on December 12, 2014. It is the society’s desire to have a new member of our team hired and in training on December 29, 2014. Further questions may be forwarded to David Proctor at [email protected].

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024