ATTENTION: Public health officials report alarming levels of white victimhood in local wastewater

By: C Icart, Humour Editor There’s a segment of the population that is experiencing great hardship and oppression, and it’s our duty as members of...

Horoscopes July 22–28

By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19 This summer, please take a course on internet safety and the effects of AI. I know you want...

Why do we live in a world where the only reward for hydrating is a large amount of piss?

By: C Icart, Humour Editor Calling all members of the overhydration nation!  Why did you recruit me? I can’t live like this anymore; I have things...

Not a message from the president: Everything I missed in the 2023–24 community report

By: Kaja Antic, Staff Writer As we come to the end of this mundane, troublesome, and cost-ineffective academic year, it’s time to jog down memory...

Saturday Fight Night: The vengeful Ah Choo vs. the undefeated Seasonal Allergies

By: Izzy Cheung, Arts & Culture Editor Snee: Welcome back to another installment of Saturday Fight Night! My name is Snee, and tonight, I’ll be...

Landlord looking for tenant who swears to never enter the unit under any circumstances

By: C Icart, Humour Editor After years of relying on their tenants to pay their mortgage, local landlord Gil T. Leech has finally reached a...

When you can’t graduate on time because that one last course you need isn’t offered

By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer Nothing’s more exhilarating than knowing you’re one course away from graduation. Just one more semester, and you’ll finally have grown...

Horoscopes July 8–14

By: Sonya Janeshewski, Peak Associate Aries March 21–April 19  If you’re an Aries man, yikes. You’re already prone to Chronic Mansplaining, which can be reputation-threatening if not...

Cryptics of coffee shop Wi-Fi

By: Yasmin Hassan, Staff Writer After a long day of classes, I roam downtown, looking for a place to sit and do some work. I’m...

Sitting in the dark because these motion sensor lights are pissing me off

By: C Icart, Humour Editor This year marks the fourth time SFU ranks number one in so-called Canada for innovation, and if this is what...