Embarrassed Earth claims latest earthquake was just “seismic event”

PHILIPPINES — People across the world were shocked last week by reports that Earth had been struck by yet another devastating earthquake but according...

UBC signs exclusive textbook deal with ‘For Dummies’ Books

VANCOUVER — It’s been kept under wraps for weeks but last Friday SFU’s rival post-secondary institution announced that they have made a landmark, first-of-its...

Local guy definitely going to go out and hit on girls . . . tomorrow

BURNABY — According to sources, university student Jordan Pitre is unwavering in his belief that tomorrow will “definitely” be the day that he hits...

‘National Geographic’ to follow Playboy into energy drink market

  NEW YORK — Taking the logical next step for a magazine company facing the decline of print media, National Geographic has announced that they...

Happy Surrey family shocked to discover their neighbour lives in “the ghetto”

SURREY — Despite living within six feet of him for the past seven years, a local middle-class family from a nice, normal neighbourhood has...

Vegan hospitalized after potential ingestion of trace amounts of egg

VANCOUVER — A distraught vegan was submitted to Vancouver General Hospital last week claiming to be “tainted.” Zach Whitney, a 27-year-old vegan man, checked himself...

Obama challenges Assad to game of basketball for control of Syria

WASHINGTON — After watching Space Jam with his daughters Malia and Sasha over this past weekend, President Barack Obama made a public challenge to...

SFU Quidditch team torments “nerds” from SFU Wizard’s Chess Club

BURNABY— One of SFU’s newest clubs, the “Wizard’s Chess Club,” a club based on probably the most unimaginative activities of the Harry Potter world,...

Ex-Grammar Nazi discovered living in Argentina

BUENOS AIRES — Despite being believed by many to be long dead, a former “grammar nazi” has been found to be living in a...

LGBTQ to expand to twelve letters by 2016

NEW YORK — LGBTQ, the initialism which currently encompasses those who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning, is set to increase its...