By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor

Mason: What’s a shakin’, Canada? This is Mason, your host with the most for Canada’s hit radio show — Most Requested Lime. As always, our show is being simulcasted coast-to-coast exclusively in select, bougie, and way overpriced grocery stores. Let’s be real. In this economy, you’re paying a bucket load of money for quality grocery. What’s the last thing you want to see? A lime with a bruise on it. Just the thought of that makes me shiver. 

So, if you’re shopping and find a crappy lime, call in and shame the employee at the produce counter. Request the lime of your dreams. We’ll pass over the memo to whatever corporate demagogue runs your store. Our number is 1-800-CRAPLIME. That’s 1-800-CRAPLIME. Caller numero uno is Shelley from Thunder Bay. Shelley, it’s time to lime and shine! You’re on air!

Shelley: Oh. My. God. I can’t believe what I just found. There was a lime and . . . and — sorry. I’m getting emotional.

Mason: Take your time. 

Shelley: When I picked up the lime, I found a black speck on it. I immediately yelled at the counterboy, Aaron, but he told me that it’s NORMAL? And that blemishes are NORMAL? NO! I don’t pay for dollar store lime. I pay for the real deal! So, I threw it on the ground and stomped on it.   

Mason: As you should, queen. That sounds like the most disgusting lime. But we’re on Most Requested Lime! Tell us the lime of your dreams. 

Shelley: I could die for a lime that is pre-peeled, wrapped in beeswax wrap of course. Don’t want to die of microplastic exposure. When I open it, they should be sliced like avocadoes. The lime should also not be sour. I hate sour limes. Please have them taste like mustard — a more sophisticated taste. I should be able to scan a QR code and donate to the impoverished child who sliced it for me. Will I donate? Probably not. But I want it there, still. Is this too much to ask for?  

Mason: Shelley, this is a safe place. In fact, you’re not the first person to ask for that exact same type of lime. 200 friends of the show just texted and said they had the exact same request. You’re not alone. 

Shelley: Wow, I feel so supported right now. 

Mason: Your grievances will be expressed to Jim Pattison, operator of your location. If he doesn’t produce this type of lime in the next week, you can demand free groceries for a year. Next caller is Barb from Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!, Québec. Bonsoir, Barb. C’est quoi votre problème? 

Barb: Girl, I don’t even speak French — I’m here on vacation. I walked in here looking for a lime for my daily raw milk milkshake, right? The limes were just . . . too French! 

Mason: Oh, how unfair. How dare they not accommodate your wants? 

Barb: I know, right? Then, if that wasn’t worse enough, the lime had small spots that were baguette brown. And I hate baguettes. My preferred lime would be one that is the size of my head. But I don’t want any GMOs used. Can’t those farmers get their shit together and just . . . make the lime I want? Like, why won’t they listen to my demands?

Mason: Barb, I hear you. I feel your struggles. This is so unfair. It looks like your location is . . . also owned by Jim Pattison. He must have that lime to you by the end of the week, or you can have the PTA boycott that location. 

Our next caller is Dave from Kamloops, BC. Hey, Dave. You’re on lime radio. 

Dave: Crunch, crunch. Crunch, slurp. Crunch. 

Mason: Dave, you with us, buddy?

Dave: Crunch. Oh, shoot. Sorry, I was just sampling some of the limes at the store. 

Mason: Taking advantage of the prime minister’s new grocery directive allowing those with income over $600,000 a year to sample as many groceries as they want before buying them, I see. 

Dave: Yes, it’s an awesome benefit. But these limes are disgusting. I’m chewing on them and they’re too sour. They taste too . . . limey? If that makes sense? Also, when you take the sticker off the lime, it leaves sticky stuff. So I just began clearing out the section and chucking these pathetic excuses for limes in the trash. 

Mason: As you should. Any employee give you a problem? Is it time to play our favourite game — name, stalk, and shame the minimum wage worker? 

Dave: No, not today unfortunately. They leave me be now that this show is a thing. You know what would do well here? A lime that has little legs so it can stand up on a table on its own. That way I can stare at it, use it as a model for my paintings, and slowly gnaw at it all at the same time.

Mason: OK, I’m seeing that your location is . . . a Jim Pattison-operated store. I will get on your request right away. Our final caller — be a-lime — you’re on Most Requested Lime! 

Rosaline: Hello? Please help me, I —   

Mason: Feel a-lime, you’re on Most Requested Lime. How can we help? 

Rosaline: M-my name is Rosaline, and I work at Whole Foods in Port Moody, BC. Someone just hurled limes at me, and I —

Mason: Were said limes perfect, Rosaline? Do you polish them with the same substance you’d use to polish your grandmother’s silverware? Huh? Do you?

Rosaline: Please — they’re about to break into the supply closet. I’m here with the other employees . . . please tell your listeners to have a little empathy . . . 

Mason: Rosaline, I think you’re right. If you’re in Port Moody, it’s time to have a little empathy. Empathy for those who have been robbed by employees who intentionally blemish our organic fruits and veggies. Robbed by a system that doesn’t reward us for the billions we put into the economy by way of having peasants shop for our food. We want to feel like a normal person for once in our lives, go to the store to reminisce on the days when we weren’t millionaires, and this happens? We find a blemished lime? How dare you? 

Rosaline: It’s honestly not my fault, I just work —

Mason: Don’t worry. I’ll show empathy. But not to you. 500 listeners in the Greater Vancouver Area are about to show up to your store with limes in tow. 

Rosaline: Fuck . . . oh no, here they come . . . NO! PLEASE! DON’T PUT LIME JUICE IN MY HAIR! I DON’T HAVE LIMES THAT LOOK LIKE DEVILED EGGS! PLEASE! NO, YOU CAN’T TAKE PRODUCTS OFF OUR LOADING DOCK! WHAT THE FUCK — ARGHHHHHH . . . 

Commercial break. 

Mason: Wasn’t that an . . . interesting little segment. Sorry that the caller got through our rigorous screening process, folks. Before we wrap up tonight, I’d like to acknowledge that we have recently received a complaint about our show from the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. Apparently we’re participating in doxxing, shaming, and “irreparable food waste.” 

Fear not, we’d rather take ourselves off the air than kiss the ring of a weak, dirty, and blemished commission. You can text us right now to subscribe to our new private website — OnlyLimes — and never miss an episode. Catch you lim-er, shoppers!