By: Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
BC municipal elections cancelled due to “lack of interest”
Elections BC announced the cancellation of the October 17 local elections. “Nobody really cares anyway. Look, 7 out of 10 people don’t even show up to vote. In fact, less than 10 people will read this statement on our website,” chief electoral officer Shipra Verma wrote. “I mean, have you seen these party names? Vote Vancouver? Burnaby Citizens Association? Community First New West? Surrey Connect? Just tell us if you’re on the Dark Side.” Vancouver mayor Ken Sim was asked how the decision would affect his re-election chances. He fed the question into his 11 AI assistants and replied: “There’s an election? Ruh-roh, Raggy.”
Young crowd collapses The Pint, creates black hole
An eager group of freshly turned 19-year-old students descended on The Pint downtown this week with a goal of fun and causing noise complaints. The crowd reached critical mass, eventually collapsing under its own dense weight and creating a powerful singularity defying physics. Just before press time, Donnelly Group purchased the cosmic opening to license as a “business expansion.”
Sleep-deprived, short, hairy student mistaken for raccoon
The Peak can now report that Urban Worlds student Jimothy T. Spanda was incorrectly labeled a nocturnal mammal by the entire student body, animal control, and local media outlets following a viral video posted on the SFU subreddit. As with all raccoons at the school, the student retains access to all classrooms and campus services. In a tell-all interview with The Peak, he described the situation as being not too shabby. “I hang out in the bushes and hiss at people. I don’t have to worry about pleasantries anymore.” Spanda hopes to begin a masters program with a focus on “exploring urban landscapes” and sustainable food sourcing “from the garbage.”
First-years do brief icebreaker, pledge to be “together forever”
During a routine first week activity at a psychology 100 seminar, SFU students Rome Jet and Julie Shark found a love bigger and brighter than any ever known by humanity. With hearts in her eyes, Shark quoted, “This is the real deal, just like my past three relationships this summer.” The lovers were spotted doing typical couple activities like “waiting in line at Renaissance Coffee” and “trying to find parking.” As of the second week, the two were no longer on speaking terms.
Aliens land at SFU, reverse planned invasion due to “boring campus”
Extraterrestrial beings visited SFU Burnaby last week and declared the area “full of space cases” and “alienating.” In a remote interview from a galaxy far, far away, would-be invader (name unintelligible) stated, “Nobody even noticed us because they were staring at their phones. We tried to say hello, but everyone here hates small talk. There aren’t even any good restaurants around here.” At last report, the aliens had tried to register for undergrad, but backed out after seeing the tuition prices.
Campus announces “department of brainrot”
In response to “modern times” and student interests, SFU has created the School for All Things Slop (ATS). The school will offer classes on “doomscrolling effectively,” “critical shitposting,” and “those weird AI videos of fruits falling in love.” ATS is also receiving attention for being the first academic program designed and taught entirely by ChatGPT in the country. Students are evaluated on their knowledge of memes, influencers, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and Taylor Swift’s discography.
“Hallucinations may occur on the part of the AI,” SFU spokesperson Tiffannee Tinkley told us. “But we will assume that the AI knows more than our potato-brained students.”
