By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer

LET ME PREDICT YOUR FUTURE. 

As an oracle of racoon present, tell me some things about you and I will predict your future. The only caveat is that all choices lead to a super depressing outcome: unemployment, AI taking over all jobs, etc.

1. What was your favourite class in high school?

1. Science.
2. Math.
3. English.
4. History.

2. When you go to a coffee shop, what do you do? 

1. Inquire where the beans are from! Are these arabica?
2. Start chatting with the barista . . . or try to.
3. Try to redeem a coupon that may or may not have expired (reasonable doubt).
4. Order something simple.

3. What’s your dream apartment? 

1. I’d love to travel more than I spend at home, so something small.
2. As modern as possible! I can control the lights with my phone!
3. One filled with books to signal how smart I am. 
4. I say “bohemian,” my roommate says “messy.”

4. How “analog” are you?

1. Does TV count? Since it’s not a phone?
2. Honestly, not very. I like technology. It makes life easier.
3. Paperlike screen protectors, digital cameras.
4. Physical media is incredibly important.

5. What’s your go-to job interview weakness?

1. It’s hard to delegate tasks to others. 
2. I struggle to say no and overwork myself.
3. I’m too detail oriented. 
4. Sometimes I deviate from protocol.

Results

MOSTLY As

• Lucky you, you get to travel to Mars. Your interest in science, culture, and technology makes you the perfect vessel for a cultural expedition, sponsored by TikTok. You better make sure you are up to date on your viral dances because literacy has almost completely fallen away: no one knows how to read anymore, and inflation is so out of control the only meaningful number is “67.” It means I love you. 

MOSTLY Bs

• The AI that takes over your job is going to be friendlier and quicker than you ever were. It’s going to be able to do math in its head (which has been designed to look just like yours) and it will make jokes that land. Not only will you have been replaced, you will be jealous of all that you could have been if you weren’t limited to your fallible body.

MOSTLY Cs

• You have no choice but to go to law school, even if you have no deep-seated interest in it. You want a stable job, even if it overworks you, and passion is the thing you’re willing to trade for a promise of a nice salary at some distant point. You’re smart, you have that going for you . . . but so does everyone else with the exact same dream, and theirs is a little more real. 

MOSTLY Ds

As an activist, you get a slightly fancier title than “unemployed,” which is really what you’ll be. The plethora of social causes will demand so much of your time that it will be impossible to divide yourself between them. It might be important to devote some time to SFU’s push to replace TAs with robots . . . But climate change is here. Maybe we can tackle single-use plastic first.