By: Jonah Lazar, Staff Writer

After 53 long years since SFU began renovations on the pool facilities on Burnaby campus, the university has finally announced that they are just six to eight months from completing them.

These renovations, which are set to be completed by the fall 2077 semester with possible delays extending this to spring 2078, promise to bring a fresh new look to SFU’s recreational facilities. They will reportedly “modernize the facilities by scrapping the plans for a traditional swimming pool,” and will instead present swimmers with a revolutionary new concept, which is yet to be unveiled by the university. The Beep was allowed to sit down with SFU’s spokesperson, JoyAI (used when her hologram isn’t available), to gain exclusive first access to information regarding the design of the new pool.

This interview did not need to be edited for concision, as JoyAI was trained by SFU’s newly minted department of minimalism.

JoyAI, everyone is excited to learn about the swimming pool. What can you tell us about the new design? 

You got it! SFU’s new pool blends recreation, relaxation, and wellness into an immersive experience. This back-to-basics design will feature a 25 x 20 metre hole dug into the dirt — and then filled with rainwater. 

So, the new pool is just a hole? 

Absolutely! This isn’t just a pool — it’s a statement. It’s like we’re saying: take that, establishment! SFU has always prided itself on fearlessness and adventure. This isn’t just a swimming pool; it’s a big hole we dug in the dirt — and then filled with rainwater. 

Why would it take 53 years just to dig a hole? 

OK, here’s what I found: any construction project faces delays — that’s a fact. Just look at SFU’s signature Virtual Gondola and the fifth floor of our digital library. It’s never just one thing that slows a construction project down — it’s a combination of several factors. For example, SFU fiercely debated the dimensions of this hole for 50 years — that’s a long time. Finishing construction in 2077 isn’t a failure — it just shows we enjoyed the process.  

This project couldn’t possibly have cost the millions invested into repairing the recreation facilities. Where did all the money go? 

Of course! The millions invested into this project actually went to training me, JoyAI — same with all the money saved from cutting every athletics program back in 2073 and replacing them with displays of AI videos of our proud Red Leafs. That money helped train me to perfectly replicate former SFU president Joy Johnson’s speech pattern — allowing her reign of SFU to last for eternity. 

To learn more about upcoming protests scheduled outside the recreational facilities as well as follow-ups on potential delays, visit the-peak.ca.