By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Writer

I have been in my fair share of serious relationships since I was a teenager. They’ve given me some of the most wonderful experiences — loving someone with your whole being and sharing a life is an incredibly special thing. They’ve also provided me with a mirror: relationships tend to show you the sides of yourself that you were hoping to avoid. Am I single, you may ask? Yes, girl, yes, I am. I have no regrets about my relationships, in large part because of the friends I made along the way. 

The longest-lasting impact of being in romantic relationships, for me, has been meeting people through my partners. Some of the people I’ve met have become long-term friends, who I love. I sometimes think I’ve made some questionable dating choices, but I’m always reassured of my taste by the people who my exes surround themselves with. The friendships which came from multiple ex-partners have shown me that platonic love is so strong, and can certainly be more resilient than romantic love. The girls I know as a result of my exes make me feel like a divorced mom, saying shit like, “I’ll always love them because they brought you into my life.” These girls are funny, intelligent, strong, brave, and so so sexy. I love them so much and our bonds are stronger than any relationship I’ve been in. 

In romantic relationships, I have always struggled to be honest about my physical boundaries and my energy levels. Once a certain level of intimacy has been established, I find it hard to say, “I don’t want to be touched,” or, “I don’t want to talk right now,” without hurting the other person’s feelings. There always seems to be the underlying fear of losing them, which is a part of relationships that I don’t like at all. Every scenario feels like a reflection of our situation; if we talk every day and we start talking less frequently, does that mean we’re not doing well? If I bring him to a family event, does that mean we’re really serious? If I don’t like his mom, does that mean something wrong with him will come up down the line?  

I don’t feel that stress with my girlfriends. It feels honest to say, “I feel like shit, can we just hang out today?” The girls get me, and they’ll understand if I want to leave early and be home by myself, or if I need to take a bit of space. We weave our way into each other’s lives wherever it works, and if things get weird, we can always take some space. The timeline of a friendship isn’t as stressful to me because it feels more secure; you know you love each other, and that your relationship will naturally wax and wane over time. 

Platonic love is unselfish, where romantic love holds the risk of becoming transactional. I have certainly made some sacrifices in romance that friendships don’t require. Like, “I do not like your mom but I’ll smile during this monthly family dinner that I’m obliged to join” or “you gave me head so now I feel obliged to give you head.” I don’t know about you, but I do not do that for my friends. It can get really difficult to balance obligations and personal boundaries in romance. It’s kind of awkward, especially while you’re still getting to know each other, and it takes a ton of skill in self-knowledge and communication to make it feel mutually respectful. 

Beyond all that, we often want to be in romantic relationships because of the way they make us feel. That is not the full picture, but that’s always made me so uncomfortable about romance. It’s not specifically me that you want; it’s a feeling that I provide to you. It can get a little icky! With my girls, I want to be around them; their attitude, personality, and uniqueness. It’s a real kind of love, and it’s not transactional. I would do anything for them.

Romantic love is a beautiful part of life; of course it is. It’s just optional. We don’t need someone who sees us in a different light than anyone else. What we need is someone who’s got our backs. Friends always have my back. Like, last year, when I was in the thick of a messy breakup, my friend opened her home to me and helped me get all my shit back. I’ll never forget that. 

I am no longer looking for romance in my life. My ultimate goal is to have an army of girlfriends that share values and support each other to the bone.

This is my Sex and the City dream (minus the sex) where I have a gaggle of girlfriends that share their dreams and discuss their lives without fear of judgement or reprehension. Thank you, ex-partners, for getting me one step closer to my dream! To my girlfriends, I love you so much.