By: Sonya Janeshewski, Peak Associate

Have you always dreamed of a fairytale romance like the ones in the movies? That famous story of love at first sight that feels straight out of a Hallmark rom-com? 

I have the answer for you. Meet-cutes! Every good meet-cute starts with a shared mishap, like someone falling, tripping, or losing their balance; because, like the saying goes, you can’t fall in love unless you fall on your face in a large and preferably public setting. And lucky for you, I’m here to provide that final shove towards destiny. 

We all know how it goes — one minute you’re just going about your day . . .  but the next you’re thrown into an endearingly awkward mishap with a stranger (a hot one, of course), and feel a sort of connection right from the very first glance. Those electrifying moments when eyes lock and hearts race, and you could have sworn their hand lingered just a bit too long when they helped you up. When you blush and say something like, “Sorry, I probably look really unconventional and quirky right now,” and bashfully tuck your hair behind your ear like Debby Ryan in Radio Rebel. Except, then you would remember that real life doesn’t work like it does in the movies. But that’s about to change thanks to my new innovative solution — pushing people.

Here are some of the packages I offer! Remember, hiring someone like me to exert brute force on strangers  is 100,000% more likely to work when compared to the boring standard of “accidental” meet-cutes.

Package A: I shove you into someone, either a specified individual or a person at random. Keep in mind that I cannot be held legally responsible for any injuries you receive upon impact. 

Package B: I shove someone into you, either a specified individual or a person at random. By purchasing, you agree to be held legally responsible for any injuries the other person receives upon impact. 

The possibilities are endless because people can be shoved anytime, anywhere, making real-life love stories more accessible than ever. And rest assured —  I will get the job done. As a customer, you’re 100% guaranteed to be shoved aggressively into a passably attractive person in a large public area. Our commitment to reputable, high-quality service is what makes our company stand out, in addition to our flexible services as detailed below. 

• • Coffee Conundrums: Meet your cutie while waiting in line for your cute pink drink. Maybe there’ll be some red in the mix after someone falls . . . 97% of these meet-cutes end in a first date. $999/hour.
  • Bicycle Bob: I’ll disguise myself as a traffic cop on a bike and force you two to meet for the first time. Romantic, right? Bicycle insurance not included. $300/hr.  
  • Hallway Monitor: I’ll trip either one of you, causing your papers to fly all over any SFU hallway. $200 flat fee, $150 surcharge to play Kiss Me over the radio and blow wind through your hair. 

• • Baby Shark: I’ll crawl underwater at your local pool. When the target is locked in, I’ll drag one of you into the water, causing the other to rescue them. I’m not responsible for death. $3,000 flat fee. 
  • SkyTrain Cupid: I’ll shove whoever is in the aisle seat of your SkyTrain ride into the other person. The best thing is that they’ll never know I’m a paid cupid — this is just standard SkyTrain etiquette. $2,000 for every station past Lafarge Lake-Douglas I have to ride to find the perfect time and wait for your perfect match. 

Valentine’s Day sale (LIMITED TIME ONLY!): This special package allows you to select two separate individuals and have me shove them together. Perfect for secret matchmaking or forcing that annoying will-they-won’t-they to make a decision. This is a limited time offer, so call now! 

To hire Sonya’s Amorous Shoving Solutions, call 1-800-SHOVE-ME and get ready to fall

. . . in love!