By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva

After the holidays, everything sucks. I love the part of winter when all I do is stuff my face with carbs and cocktails, because, well, it’s carbs and cocktail time. However, now that the holiday season is over, my cranberry-gin-fizz-coloured glasses are coming off and I’m realizing that I have to lock in for the new semester. 

I’ve got a secret weapon for getting my shit back together: a survival guide for classes after winter break. Buckle up with me. Or don’t. I couldn’t care less. 

Create an unsafe space

Once your morning alarm hits you like an angry bull running havoc on a Santa parade, get up and throw a sheet of spikes on your duvet. A setup like this is foolproof because you can’t crawl back into bed and fall back asleep. I suggest upgrading this setup to include an eject button, simulating a violent transition from between being asleep and awake. I’m personally volunteering my sister as the test dummy. 

Play with your heart

Don’t get more sleep; let caffeine do the work for you. Mix an energy drink, coffee, and Baileys for a daily morning drink. Coffee and Baileys are the perfect flavour combo, and an energy drink adds a wild zing that will perk you right up. If it curdles, just drink it fast. Start your day with a heartbeat that could power a portion of France. Don’t be surprised if you need medical attention after a while. 

Grinch it up

Don’t make any new friends or keep up with old ones in January — it’s a total waste of energy. You need to focus your efforts on the things that matter: reading textbooks in a dark room for many hours without seeing the sun. If someone asks you about your holidays, tell them you hate Christmas and you believe it’s capitalist propaganda that only the weak-minded fall for — you’ll gaslight yourself and forget all about the jolliest time of year. Ruin all new friendships by being yourself: strange and off-putting. 

Last (ski) resort

I might need some rest at some point, and I know I can’t combat my energy deficiency with brute force forever. For this scenario, I have an airtight plan that has actually done me a great service in the past. I tell my professors that I fell off a cliff while skiing and I’m in critical condition. That usually gives me a few extra days on all my assignments. If they require proof, I’ll head on over to Blanche Macdonald and get one of their students to doll me up in special effects makeup. Then, I’ll send my prof a cute little selfie! I’ve done this a few times in my undergrad, and luckily, I get more hospital time each time my ankle sprains. Last time it even shattered, so I recommend this one if you need a break and don’t mind a little surgery. 

OK, that’s it. Good luck this semester . . . follow the plan and you’ll be fine. If you see me, don’t talk to me.