By: An unsuspecting student
I was walking to the bus loop after a long day of classes when a shadowy pink and yellow figure suddenly appeared out of nowhere. A bag was then shoved over my head and my hands were zip-tied together. All I could smell was Chanel No. 10 Eau de Toxique Florale Gaz — don’t ask me how I know. The next thing I knew, I felt myself being pulled in all directions and down endless steps before finally coming to a stop. I heard a door creak open eerily. Someone then grabbed my shoulders and plopped me into a seat.
When the bag came off my head, I found myself in a cramped and dimly lit lecture hall packed with hundreds of trembling undergrads. I was trying to gather my thoughts when a high-pitched voice rang out. I traced it to a blond woman in a pink blazer, peering out from behind a dilapidated podium.
“Helloooo my lovelies! My name is Tiffannee, with two f’s and two e’s, and I’m the new public relations manager for SFU’s athletics department. Thank you for voluntarily attending this talk about why it’s time to abolish college football!” I suddenly knew where I was. It was an SFU propaganda event dedicated to self-affirming their decision to get rid of the football team.
Tiffannee beamed. “Now, as most of you know, the university officially ended the football program earlier this year, and I’m here to address why football no longer has a place in higher education. Football has literally been giving major #DestroyingTheEarthCore vibes since day one.”
An overhead projector flickered to life. The words: Football — It’s Giving No More Hot Girl Winters appeared alongside a stock photo of a football helmet next to the earth on fire. Tiffannee began shuffling through her cue cards. “First off, we must protect our precious environment. Who knew tackling opponents at 100 km per hour would emit more carbon dioxide than the entire university combined? Yes, that’s right! Traumatic brain injuries are just not in this season. SFU wants to nurture academic success not the destruction of the ozone!” Blank expressions plastered the faces of the unwilling audience.“I’m an environmental science major,” a voice echoed from across the room. “What about the fact that we leave all of the lights on in our buildings? Doesn’t that account for more emissions than a little old football? In fact, where’s the science there . . . ” The person was then suddenly dragged out of their chair and out of the room. “Let’s get back to this informative session! I love this!” someone called out.
“Yaaaas, thank you Todd! But the real problem here? The fact that football helmets are made from plastic. And plastic comes from digging wells or whatever. And wells? They’re bad for the environment, babes. This clearly points to a reasonable explanation as to why SFU would get rid of the program — because we love the environment! Even though we still invest in fossil fuel companies — UGH who put that on my cue cards??? Anyways, live, laugh, breathe the fresh air at SFU!” The same voice shouted from the audience: “Yeahhh! We love the environment!”
“That’s right, Todd. You love everything except for me. Ugh. And moving ooonnn, football is just distracting. Pushups, burpees, bicep curls? 6:00 a.m. laps at the stadium? Noooo thanks. Just imagine how much more time players could spend on pesky coursework instead of dislocating knees and spraining ankles.
“Last thing, school spirit has gone completely out of hand.” A photo of a group of maple leaves wearing Red Leafs jerseys and chugging beer flashed on the wall. “We must preserve our identity as a commuter schoolTM. Rowdy pep rallies and free popcorn are out, period. Bus lines and broken R5s are sooo in!”
The audience erupted in an uproar of protest just as a thick fog that reeked of synthetic florals descended from above, knocking out several students, including me. I woke up slumped outside the library with a giant foam finger that said: “PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT (AND SCHOOL SPIRIT) SINCE 1965.”
