By: Veronica Richards, SFU Student
Why read the news when you could collect it? The Peak is coming off the press with 43 new variants of next week’s edition, and you could get your hands on an exclusive version. Don’t worry, the content is the same, but everyone knows that how it looks on your display shelf is what matters most. Check out our “ALL CAPS,” splurge on BOLD, or maybe our italic version, and so many more. Rumour has it, a secret 🕈︎♓︎■︎♑︎♎︎♓︎■︎♑︎’⬧︎ (Wingdings’) version is hidden in The Peak’s office (luckily, a video tutorial exists so you don’t accidentally walk into a jazz choir’s practice. Oops). The infamous glitter issue comes with loose glitter haphazardly thrown in by The Peak’s production team, providing a fun surprise when opened. What a great way to show everyone how special you are!
We heard about a guy who got into “reading” The Peak two months ago and now has over 500 copies. “Yeah, I took 10 stacks of last week’s issue,” the dude said. “It’s the biggest thing since $LOP NFTS, Rug Tug™ crypto, and Silicon Valley’s subscription-based bread-slicing machines.” When asked if the rumour that he knocked over a University Highlands Elementary student who got too close to the newsstand at Nester’s was true, he dismissed it by saying, “It’s not like a kid could understand the true value of it. Who cares about reading when I can resell on Ebay?” We got an exclusive view on how much his collection was worth. “See, this is a C-grade paper. Corner’s folded, only worth a dime. Here’s a B-grade, because the evaluator scribbled ‘CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TURNING EVERY HOBBY INTO CONSUMERISM’ on the back, so it’s only worth two dimes. Now this version is worth $500, because it has the signature of a Peak writer I chased down in the academic quadrangle.”
In a rather innovative fashion, The Peak has also upgraded their digital presence. On their website, instead of a simple black or white background, there are an infinite number of digital reading experience variations. It now plays your choice of Subway Surfers, oddly satisfying videos, Minecraft parkour while an AI crunchily parrots the article, and so many more. Readership is up 300,000%, there are 5.5 billion more page refreshes a day, and 67 more statistics that their business manager loves.
The Peak’s next big goal is, apparently, to be the first on The Newer York Times’ or New York Smartwatch’s bestseller list. “We could be the first newspaper that breaks into this untapped cesspool of collectors,” opinions editor Zainab said. “Don’t you just love capitalism?!”
“The Peak paves the way. We follow the light of the dollar signs,” news writer Lucaiah added.
You can find the next Peak issue at any newsstand around campus. “I’m sat,” said a fan waiting beside an empty newsstand, handing out wristbands. “They’re telling me the next issue of The Peak doesn’t come out until Monday, but I’m simply too excited. I can’t wait to do the Moto Moto-themed crossword.” Stay tuned to keep up with current events, or for when they inevitably start adding collectible cards.
