By: Mason Mattu, Timeshare scam detector and Humour Editor

Somewhere in the backrooms of Maggie Benson Centre, a group of tourists has been roped into a sales presentation about timeshares at SFU. Their salesperson? Tiffannee. She’s not just hungry for a commission, she’s hungry for love. This is her story.

Greetings! My name is Tiffannee (just Tiffannee with two e’s), and I am the newly-hired tourism coordinator at the Simon Fraser University Burnaby Campus. I’d like to first thank you all for coming to this info session about new timeshare options in Metro Vancouver’s newest luxury travel destination, SFU. I see a hand raised for questions already! Oh … Yes, you will receive the free Safeway coupons as an honourarium for your time. 

You are all here for one reason and for one reason only. You’re interested in — yes, we get it, Todd. You’re here for the goddamn Safeway gift card. Please, just let me speak.

As I was saying, SFU’s administration has invested big bucks into making our campus more appealing to the kind of tourists who would spend $15 on an ice water in Vegas. Oh. My. GOD. I wasn’t supposed to read that. My executive assistant, Tiffany, needs to get better at this. 

Vancouver as a destination has become way too oversaturated for tourists like you to spend your time. That’s why we’re proud to announce that SFU Burnaby will soon be home to timeshare units in what was formerly the secret campus hotel — The Simon. The Poconos? Hawaii? The Swiss Alps? All of those destinations are so yesterday. Boring!! We’re putting the chic back in chickpea by featuring accommodation so close to SFU’s world-class Dining Commons! We might have to keep workshopping that one . . .  

Anyways, picture yourself with a margarita in one hand and a — oh, shit. My cue cards are misordered. Please imagine you’re — Ugh. Tiffany. Alright. Imagine this — you’re sipping a margarita while looking over a beautiful mountain scenery. Rumour has it that Leonardo DaCapréow (often wrongly referred to as Da Vinci or something) came to Burnaby Mountain for inspiration for American Gothic. Yes, that’s right. 

Other than the mountain views, there are a lot of things to do when vacationing at SFU. You have a fantastic view of the Eiffel Tower, you can go bungee jumping at our totally fully-functioning climbing wall, and take a ride on our concept of a gondola. We promise, it’ll all be worth it. 

Then, you can take your significant other to our beautiful and artistic interactive theatre presentations. During our off-season, we convert our unused hotel rooms into an elaborate scheme that looks like a university campus. Here, feel free to interact with our actors. It’s all part of the experience.

Now, Todd will ask an insightful question that will allow you to gush about the amazing wildlife on the mountain. He’s totally not a paid actor to help push this sale — Jesus, damn these cue cards!! Make sure not to mention the — NOT AGAIN TIFFANY. Nevermind. What I meant to say is our offerings greatly surpass those of overrated travel destinations in BC, such as Whistler. For example, overpriced groceries can be found right at Nesters Market to really get you in that fancy mood. After eating some overpriced jam, you can take your significant other back to your room and — jam. 

Todd, I can’t play this sales gimmick anymore. These cue cards are so fucked up . . . I only took this job because of you. Mentioning this jam made me feel like we’re meant to jam together — you know we’re meant to be together. That should be US drinking boxed wine, sitting on top of the observatory (but not inside, I’m not a nerd), and making love all night on top of overpriced jam while jamming to jams. Fuck this job, let’s get married. Will you marry m —

Erm. Ladies and gentlemen, it seems like a fellow prospective timeshare purchaser of yours, Todd, had to leave early. I — 

I’ll be lonely forever, won’t I? Here are your Safeway gift cards. The timeshares are $300,000 a year — that’s cheaper than buying a house. Thanks for listening, and very sorry for the weird happenings today. HAHA. Fuck my life. 

The timeshare audience nods their heads gently. Unbeknownst to Tiffannee, all of them are tourists from Germany and don’t speak English.