By: Sasha Rubick, SFU Student

It’s easy to disregard the SFU reflecting pond when you walk past it every day. But here at The Peak, we wear tin foil hats to pitch meetings and curate evidence boards. That’s how real journalism is done, dangnabbit! Your typical SFU student might look at the reflecting pond and see a singular plastic chair, but we know what’s going on here. While you’re snapping a pic of the heron . . .  again — seriously, why do you keep taking the same picture? — we’re staring at the surface of the reflecting pond, reflecting on why it isn’t very reflective. 

Welcome back to the Real Truth That They Don’t Want You To KnowTM! I’m your host, (information redacted).

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Here at The Peak, we know there’s something fishy going on in the reflection pond. This autumn, it went from a crystalline, blue-coloured mirror to a turbid, bilious green. Some sinister happenings are afoot.

According to a poll of the SFU student body, 95% of first years don’t realize that the pond water is supposed to be clear. The reflecting pond is supposed to be a place for students to meditate on their newfound knowledge, but with the state it’s in, the only thing you can reflect on is why you chose this school over UBC. But fear not, dear readers. We have a theory so conspiratorial that RFK Jr has announced a trip to our campus out of excitement!  

What’s our number one rule, sheeple? Follow. The. Money. SFU wouldn’t keep that pond cloudier than a chemtrail unless it was profitable. But how much could it cost to clean a pond? What’s really going on here goes beyond the surface? The university isn’t just pinching pennies by neglecting the reflecting pond . . . they’re hiding something under that murky, hex #4d5f23 surface.

Checkmate, liberals! What’s under that pond? There are a couple of possibilities. It’s hardly the first time odd things have been found in that pond — they even found a car there once. Lots of things have been going missing around campus lately — $138,000, for example. And hundreds of right AirPods. My leading theory is that the overtime pay earned by SFU cleaners is being hidden under the water — who knows what happened to it?

There’s no way we’re going to wade around in there, though. It’s too icky. Besides, last time we tried to do our own research, one of our staff writers was attacked by that heron. That thing is a Big Government plant. Everyone knows birds aren’t real, and don’t even get us started on the fake duck with the camera collecting biometric data. 

We need your help, compatriots! While we hold down the fort (and make millions from our vitamin supplements), you must go valiantly to the front lines. Get that plastic katana out from under your bed, don your army surplus and your trench coat, and assemble at the reflecting pond. It’s time to take a swim and find out what SFU is hiding. 

Thank you for reading the SFUnexplained column. Garlic, bat grease, anti-Tylenol rosaries, and “my favourite Peak stories are the ones that are very illogical” mugs are available on our website.