By: Gurnoor Jhajj, SFU Student and Mason Mattu, Humour Editor

It all went down before a history midterm, on the sixth floor of the library. I was going over my notes, double-fisting two coffees and an energy drink, when I felt a cold gust of wind . . . sending shivers down my spine.

I looked around for the source of the gust, given the window in front of me was closed. As I went back to my work, I saw someone move from the corner of my eye. When I looked up, I saw him. A tall, pale figure wearing what looked like a blood-stained SFU hoodie gliding between the aisles of encyclopedias. When I blinked . . .  poof, he was gone. Nobody else seemed to notice. Everybody was just so focused on their work, hunched over their laptops, as if a snarky reminder for me to un-fix my posture (got to fit in!). 

I didn’t get a good look, but maybe he was hot. Perhaps it was Edward Cullen himself! Yes, that’s probably it. I had literally nothing better to do than find out (I’m not pathetic, I swear!!!!). Determined, I slowly rose from my seat and walked towards the bookshelves. Each step felt heavy. Maybe it was the caffeine or the fact I was obsessed with a certain cold and charming vampire, but I swear I saw someone. As I tiptoed, I almost tripped over a student retrieving books from the last shelf. I muttered an apology and walked straight ahead. Edward was definitely somewhere here. 

Then I made eye contact with the librarians. Two of them sat at the reference desk, eyeing me like hawks. “Looking for anything specific?” one asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh, I’m looking for love with a blood-drinking, pleasure-enticing vampire,” I said, my eyes still darting around for him. “Try the self-help section. Or the ‘students who waste my time with fairytale garbage’ section. Over there,” she said with a slight scowl. “If you need more help, ask a friend. This isn’t my job.”

I nodded quietly, knowing I had no friends, and mumbled a thank-you before continuing to circle the shelves. I walked past Shakespeare, Poe, and Austen, thinking about Edward, or something vampire-like, gliding down the aisles and into my heart. I just wanted him to sweep me off my feet . . . or nibble at my jugular. Is that too much for a girl to ask?

Suddenly, I heard a faint whisper. A strong smell of garlic bread filled my senses. I think vampires like garlic? Or don’t they? Girl, I didn’t even pass tenth-grade biology . . . Was he here? Was this it? Finally, I turned the corner, expecting to catch Edward. I stumbled into him. Or rather, it . . . A cardboard cutout of a first-year student proudly posing with SFU president Joy Johnson on Welcome Day. I blinked, embarrassed and emotionally torn. First, Joy took away the pianos I used to play romantic music for myself on, and now she’s taken away my love????????? The gust, the smell, the shadow — all just a cardboard cutout. It’s like she’s playing MIND GAMES on me. Huh, great! (I’m never living this down).

So, is there a vampire at SFU? Yes. Definitely. 1000%, girlfriend. It is my most esteemed opinion that Edward Cullen wanted me to find the cardboard cut-out instead of him that day. Why else would there be a tangy garlic smell in the air? Eddie knows that dating a mortal like me would result in so much backlash from his family. We’re forbidden lovers. I’ll catch my new boyfriend next time!