By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik
The City of Vancouver has been selected to host several FIFA World Cup games next summer. Exciting, right? In preparation for the ball-tastic event, FIFA created a list of demands the city must implement as it prepares for the influx of players and fans, with various beautification initiatives and possible city road closures proposed. Recently, FIFA president Gianni Infantino added one more requirement: The giant, orb-like structure sitting atop Science World must be transformed into a soccer ball. The Peak corresponded with Infantino, Vancouver mayor Ken Sim, and several city locals for more information.
“It just makes sense,” Infantino said. “When you think of soccer, you think of soccer ball. You literally need a soccer ball to play soccer, so it’s perfect.” Infantino detailed the cognitively laborious process of coming up with such a groundbreaking concept. “This is a result of countless hours spent in the pitch room brainstorming ideas,” he said. “For a while, it was tough. We just kept thinking and thinking in circles. Then it came to us. The answer was circles.”
When asked to describe the project, Sim said to “imagine a soccer ball in your head. That’s basically what this will look like.” Regarding increased costs the project may incur at taxpayers’ expense, Sim did not appear worried. “It’s not really an issue,” he said. “We’ve actually been doing a great job of cutting costs this year. Freezing supportive housing and getting rid of the city hall gym have provided us with a hefty ball budget. In fact, we’ve actually been looking at other circular objects we can turn into soccer balls, too. So far, the Bloedel Conservatory and Gastown Steam Clock are possibilities.”
“Some estimates actually project that the ball will help boost the local economy,” Sim added. “The aerodynamics of soccer ball-shaped objects has a neurological effect on the brain that encourages people to spend more.” The Peak was unable to independently verify this claim.
The Peak spoke with a local youth soccer team to see how the next generation of players felt about the project. “I like soccer ball. Soccer ball good,” said one boy, age five, whose name has been withheld for privacy. “Me too,” echoed his friend.
“You know, I’m actually somewhat concerned about the socioeconomic impact of this initiative,” explained another girl, age three. “What does this signal about the city’s priorities? We have citizens in dire need of support, and here the mayor is agreeing to turn our science center into a giant fútbol. Is that really the most optimal move? His statements are simply fallacious. Anyways, no more questions, please. I have some delicious Play-Doh waiting for me at home.”
While construction on Science World is slated to begin soon, city officials assured the public that the museum would remain open in the meantime. In fact, rumour is that a new, ball-themed exhibit will be rolling in soon.
