By: Noeka Nimmervoll

Hey, kid. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Do you want to make money off your U-Pass? I bet you do. You don’t go to class anyways, huh? Well, listen up. Here’s my tried and true method for selling your U-Pass. Everyone tries to sell their card, and hardly anyone wins at the game. Here’s how to scam the system — super easily. 

I give this advice to my kids at least once every semester (I’m an SFU dad), and you know what? They wouldn’t know what a good idea was if it hit them like a bullet train. So, I’m sharing it with kids (you) that will probably be way smarter than my two brats. 

Anyways. Here you go. 

Find the handsomest man with a mohawk and reflective sunglasses to make a commercial for you. Get him behind the camera, tell him to act sexy (he’ll find that easy), and make him read this pre-written script:  

“Hey, cheapskates! You want a motorcycle? I’ve got something totally better. A multi-modal, sexy, and totally rad Tokyo-inspired train-and-car share network to get you to your ultimate destination. Open air for all you nature freaks or AC options for sexy people, on a mad range of vehicles that sports epic views. For unlimited use with a one-time-a-month flat rate, you can have access to over 2,250 pieces of transportation, akin to limousines, to get you where you want to go — while being the place to be. Leave your name, social insurance number, and credit info in the comments so I know where to find you.”

He might be a little older than the target audience, but don’t be put off or anything. It’ll definitely add to the charm of the ad. When you post it on Tik-Tak-O or whatever, it’ll go totally virus. 

Then, get him to do a backflip off a skateboard that’s on fire. Pretty sure all the kids think that’s super rad right now. I know Benson Boone is totally hot right now, so I’m pretty sure that would be the sickest ending to this video. 

If this Freddie Mercury look-alike can’t do a backflip, it’s probably because he’s sore from going to the gym that morning, so maybe just edit that in. This should be a piece of cake for you with all that new teknologeeca. Awesome. Then, post it with some cool hashtags like #rad.

Within a few minutes of being posted online, you should get something like 2,000 comments and, like, shares. They’ll be all begging for you to choose them as the buyer of your U-Pass-loaded compass card. Sell it to all of them for $100 a month or a Rolex. Then, leave the country — the feds will definitely be on your ass for this, so leave everything and make sure to burn your computer and stuff so it can’t get traced back to you. 

I used this method back on the mountain in ‘06 and it was pretty easy. I was surprised it worked so well. Honestly, I spent all the cash on getting drunk. I don’t even remember how I got there. 

Anyways, let me know if anyone tries this out. 

The Peak does not condone any criminally cringey behaviour. Any actions taken by individuals are solely at their own risk. Any criminal proceedings that may be influenced by this piece are not connected to The Peak in any way.