By: Acting Chief of Apologies and Lawn Signs

Metro Vancouver mayors are more than just civic leaders; they’re a cast of characters from a random political sitcom none of us asked to be a part of. Whether they’re beefing with the BC government, filing defamation lawsuits, or being paid in gold bars (probably), these leaders are here to provide solace, so you know you aren’t the only one making questionable life choices. 

Which Metro Van mayor are you most like? Take this quiz to find out. 

1. A scandal breaks out. How do you react? 

1. 1. 1. File a defamation lawsuit, hold a conference, and remember to rep Bitcoin. 
      2. Dramatically clutch your foot (that you claim has been run over) before shaking it off and heading into Save-On-Foods. 
      3. Redirect the rage into censuring an innocent city councillor trying to save trees, and then proceed to rant about cell tower coverage. 
      4. Say nothing. Refuse follow-up questions. Vanish into a TransLink committee.
      5. Change your mind, then ask your popular friend to vouch for your integrity. 

2. How do you handle bad press? 

1. 1. 1. Apologize with charm and nonchalance. After all, it’s the “imperfect systems.” 
      2. Lawyer up. Bill the $300,000 to the city. Run for another election and act surprised when you lose. 
      3. Ignore local issues and focus on the province — explain your extreme dissatisfaction about how the ones you call  “do nothing” people, have a voice and don’t want pipelines built in their back yard. 
      4. Refuse to comment on anything or shake anyone’s hand after all is said and done. 
      5. Pivot to community building and avoid $100K vacations, for now.

3. What is your relationship with money like? 

1. 1. 1. You own shares in Ethereum, have rich friends, and want to replace Park Boards with spreadsheets. 
      2. You rely on the city to pay legal fees over your personal dramas. 
      3. You want to slash everyone’s pay but yours.
      4. You are paid by every board in existence. 
      5. You say no to bullying but yaaaaaaas to a total of $393K in compensation and salary. 

4. What issues get you fired up? 

1. 1. 1. People who care about parks and hate crypto. 
      2. Cronyism, public mischief, and foot-related injuries. 
      3. Harm reduction and hard-working city councillors.  
      4. People questioning your salary. 
      5. American tariffs and non-disparagement pacts with Big Oil (that is totally not a gag order). 

Mostly A’s — you’re Vancouver’s mayor, Ken Sim! 

You can host TED Talks and participate in court hearings in the same week, and believe in bitcoin as your religion. Your mantra? Apologize like CEOs, with zero follow-through!

Mostly B’s — former Surrey mayor, Doug McCallum, is that you? 

You know exactly how to make yourself the main character of every story — down to grocery trips with alleged soft-tissue damage. Your personality quirk? You’ve never met a lawsuit you couldn’t expense. 

Mostly C’s — Port Coquitlam’s favourite dictator, Brad West! 

You think the entirety of Metro Vancouver is too soft and you secretly love Big Oil. Your favourite things to do? Speaking to reporters, going on random podcasts to talk about issues that are literally irrelevant to your job as mayor, and pretending to be an NDP’er when you’re really a closeted conservative. 

Mostly D’s — a very rich hello to Richmond’s incumbent mayor, Malcolm Brodie 

You avoid eye-contact and accountability with ninja-like precision. Your super power? Being one of the highest-paid elected officials in BC. 

Mostly E’s — our very own, unchallenged, Burnaby mayor Mike Hurley 

You love to give “we’re all in this together” speeches and napping (real dad energy right there). Your talent? The ability to lose to the Trans Mountain pipeline project six times before letting them buy your silence.