By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor and Sarah Sorochuk, Peak Associate
Feel an urge to make a difference in the world? Do you have big muscles and are built like a Greek god? Are you ready to block student hooligans who dare walk on the wrong side of the hallway? We have just the job for ya!
AQ Accident Control Officer — A paid position starting at $2 every 3 hours (legal note: accident control officers will be officially labelled as freelancers to save us some big bucks. Attempts to unionize will result in banishment from the realm).
Seeking multiple students to work on each floor of the AQ in between classes (during peak travel time) to prevent further collisions and future lawsuits. Applicants must have a strong understanding of the violent situation at hand. Background information is provided below:
A (BRIEF) BRIEF ON THE SITUATION:
The AQ has been known for countless runovers and walking traffic incidents. Since the dawn of time, and everywhere on earth, people have walked on the right side of the hallway. Everywhere but SFU. This is causing some major emotional and physical damage, with 50 students being involved in “got run into by a person walking on the wrong side of the hallway-and run” encounters. Here is a victim’s testimony:
“Last Monday, I was on my way to Classic Shakespearian Lit [ENGL 312] with an extra-large vegan cucumber coffee in one hand and my own personal copy of Romeo and Juliet (the smut edition) in the other. Out of nowhere, I was violently run into by a HOOLIGAN who was walking on MY side of the hall. It was a horrible attack on my life and the sanctity of the AQ. This ought to be ILLEGAL!” — Anonymous SFU arts student
MORE ABOUT YOUR JOB:
As an officer with the AQ Accident Control, you will be tasked with enforcing the right way of the hallway rule for all students. We’ll provide you with a safety whistle, a vibrant safety vest, and a 2010 Blackberry with the latest ticketing software installed. Extra perks include receiving a “get out of class early” pass for officers in lieu of benefits or dignity.
Officers are not allowed to use force, and will instead imitate a common enemy of delinquent students: a 1,000 year old professor who refuses to give out A’s.
You will also be in charge of providing students who have been run into by someone walking on the wrong side of the hallway with emotional support. Please do not refer them to our SFU counselling department if they’ve exceeded the three complimentary appointments for the year given to each student.
Job requirements:
- Must be a second or third year SFU/FIC student looking for an easy way to make some quick cash.
- Have no social life and can work at all hours of the night.
- Are happy to be the center of attention, by being loud and disruptive to the student body.
- Have 2–3 years of acting or roleplaying experience.
- Come to work with a settled frown every day.
- Are willing to sign an NDA in case you decide to accuse us of labour violations.
- Look scary. Have a few piercings in your nose, belly button, and thumb. Make them believe you are an emo guard. Really make it feel like you’re gonna kick the shit outta them if they walk on the wrong side of this here hallway.
Apply by emailing: [email protected]. Deadline: 3 hours ago.
