By: The Guy Who Knows it All

I have a humongous problem on my hands. And I heard you’re the best at solving those since you’re a Beedie student! I mainly have classes on the Burnaby campus, and parking here is an absolute nightmare. I spend more time searching for a spot than I do in class. 

I’ve tried everything: arriving early, bribing friends, and even contemplating teleportation. Nothing works. What’s your expert advice on scoring a parking spot without going into road rage mode?

Sincerely, 

Frustrated in the Forest

Yo, Frustrated in the Forest, 

Ah, parking at SFU Burnaby, the true Hunger Games of higher education. A challenge so legendary, my macroeconomics professor provided extra credit on the syllabus to those who provided proof of proficient parking. But worry not! As the Guy Who Knows It All, I am here to bestow upon you a comprehensive and foolproof strategy that would make even the most seasoned valet weep with envy. 

I’m a Beedie Bro, so sit back, relax, and just trust me, bro. 

First, avoid arriving early. That’s what everyone expects. Instead, show up precisely 30 seconds before your class starts. This guarantees maximum chaos and will make any spot you find feel like a miracle.

Next, do not circle the lot. That’s a beta move. Instead, park creatively like an alpha. Tree branches in the north lot? Extra shade. Sidewalk? Think of it as elevated parking. Fire lane? Those are just VIP valet spots that the university is hiding from us. And if all else fails, simply park in a random UniverCity parking spot next to a townhouse; it’s not trespassing if you look confident. 

And who would I be if I don’t tell you about my homie, the raccoon valet? He can manage your parking needs for as little as twenty cents (he has e-transfer). He usually takes in new clients every Sunday, right by the lower staircase by the Recreation Center. And sure, your car might come back with mysterious scratch marks and smell faintly of pizza, but isn’t that just part of the university experience? 

If even one of those flawless tactics fails, it’s time to unleash the secret weapon: the overnight camping method. Set up a small but sturdy tent in your preferred lot. Make sure to decorate to uplift your spirit. I am a big fan of  “Grind, Conquer, Park” signs for aesthetic and thematic appeal. I usually set the vibe with my “Vibes Under the Moonlight” playlist, which I linked below. You just need to pay 50 BTC (Bitcoin, baby!) to access this curated glory. It begins with a slowed and reverb version of none other than the hit classic, “Eye of the Tiger.” Make friends with the resident raccoons, and toast to the fact that you’ve ascended beyond the concept of mere studentship, and now you are now a parking pioneer. 

The ultimate secret is this: make peace with the fact that parking at Burnaby is less about getting a spot and more about self-discovery. Who are you when all seems lost? Your mother’s disappointment? Or a true alpha male conqueror of concrete jungles? 

Finally, remember that true victory is psychological. Surrender to disorder. Don’t just park. Embody chaos. Screech dramatically whenever you see an open spot, even if you have no intention of parking there. Confuse your competitors (those sleazy students who are trying to get to their exams on time!! So selfish of them). Sabotage is just a fancy word for strategy. 

Happy hunting, 

The Guy Who Knows It All