By: Mason Mattu, Chief Political Correspondent
Election night 2025 was a joyous one for Prime Minister Mark Carney, boomers, and the Liberal party, winning a minority government with 169 seats in Parliament. Perhaps one of the biggest surprises of the night was in Burnaby Central where a rock received 98% of the vote, ousting NDP incumbent Jagmeet Singh.
The “campaign” to elect the rock in Burnaby Central had a grand total of one polling station (located at SFU, even though we aren’t even in its riding) and only spent around $3 — on a temporary tattoo of the Liberal party logo to place on its torso.
“At first, I was kind of confused why a rock was running in this riding. I wondered how exactly this candidate would best represent me,” said Heather Joaness, who voted for the rock on election day. “My friends talked some sense into me and made me understand that Mark Carney has a plan to unite our country and defeat Trump! If he’s running a rock in our riding, it’s for a good reason. I’d trust that guy with my life.”
The Peak proceeded to ask Joaness whether she thought the Liberal platform would benefit working class Canadians. She stated that even though she is three months behind on rent and can barely afford groceries, Canadian sovereignty is still her number one concern. “Mark has a plan. Mark has a plan. Mark has a plan,” she repeated while lighting a prayer candle with a picture of Carney winking.
According to an anonymous source from the rock’s campaign, the team knocked on a total of two doors this election season, including the window of a McDonald’s drive-thru. In a poll asking residents if this would influence their voting intention, 100% said no.
On election night, The Peak caught up with Singh to see his response to losing the riding. Singh and a few of his staffers were hiding at Rev’s Bowling, trying to bowl away the pain of election night as results came in. Of course, The Peak was able to hunt them down.
“I served this community for over seven years! Seven years! Gave you free medications, free dental care so you look your best, and anti-scab legislation. But I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? You choose a ROCK and Mark the MILLIONAIRE to represent you?” cried a very distraught Singh before throwing his tenth bowling ball in a row into the gutter. Sounds like he’s hit rock bottom (too soon to crack a joke?)
Strategic voting hurt Singh and New Democrats across the country. Many former NDP voters we conversed with told us they used the website “strategicvotingrocks.ca” to learn who had the best chance of winning the election in the riding. The site features propaganda posters of the rock and projected it to win 5,000% of the vote in the riding.
“I mean, I looked at the website and I knew I had to vote strategically. I am #AnythingButConservative and hate Poilievre,” a working class resident said while glaring at a mountain of overdue bills. “Do my values align with those of a sedimentary object with no mouth or ears? No. But at least it isn’t a Conservative.”
In a statement to The Peak, the Liberal party defended their decision to nominate the rock in Burnaby Central. “This rock has the same characteristics as every single Liberal Member of Parliament. Silent, unresponsive to constituents, and steadfast in maintaining the status quo.” When we asked about the Carney government potentially pushing for proportional representation after the destruction of the NDP this election, we got a “ha, ha, no, lol you wish — just like a rock’s erosion, we love eroding democracy,” in response.
With his constituents and the rest of the country awaiting what happens next, the rock has been sent to Ottawa via an express delivery through Canada Post.
