By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer
Editor’s note: This article is rated “CIR” for Chess and International Relations enthusiasts. May contain references to your favourite or most disliked world leader. Knowledge of chessboard coordinates is encouraged. Reader discretion is advised.
Welcome to the White House Situation Room, the historical command center of US presidents and the brain behind their security agenda. Kennedy first used it during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Then Bush Jr. used it in 2003 when America decided to attack Iraq. Obama and his cabinet members used the room to watch the assassination of bin Laden.
Today, all the cabinet members have been called to an emergency meeting. No, it isn’t a nuclear armageddon or the bullying of some unfortunate nation. No such rational use of this important office today; instead, Donald Trump wanted to play chess in the Situation Room. “Not just any chess,” the ambitious president said, “but geopolitical chess.” A few decades ago, when he was an unassuming capitalist tycoon, he had claimed, “If I studied chess for a year or two, I would become a grandmaster.” No one believed him. Now that he’s the president, he’s back to prove this point. On Trump’s side stood his besties, the authoritarian strongmen (and Giorgia Meloni): Viktor Orbán, Narendra Modi, Vladimir Putin, Benjamin Netanyahu, Javier Milei, Kim Jong-Un — and Trump himself as the king piece. On the other side are those with whom he’s had a bone to pick since January 20. This so-called opposition ranged from Mexico’s President Claudia Sheinbaum to President Volodymyr Zelensky. Invited all the way from Ottawa, Prime Minister Mark Carney took charge of this side.
After Trump was promptly reminded he can’t move the king piece anywhere he likes, the match began. “Pawn to d6,” Trump opened. “Pawn to c3,” Carney responded. After much mindless pawn-moving, without much results, Trump called “bishop to e6.” Out came Putin, swerving pawns left and right, but instead of stopping at e6, he overreached into f5, poised to strike Zelensky — Carney’s knight piece. Macron, the queen piece, countered, moving to g4. “Bishop to g4,” Trump exclaimed. Fixated by the possibility of capturing Zelensky, Putin refused to move, urging Trump to move his queen piece, Netanyahu, to d6, but was unable to stop the expansionist man from capturing an unassuming pawn in d5.
“If I studied chess for a year or two, I would become a grandmaster,” said an unassuming capitalist tycoon a few decades before his foray into American politics. No one believed him. Now that he’s the president, he’s back to prove this point.
Out goes Putin, swiftly captured by Macron the queen. Trump, visibly shaken by the loss of his “genius,” wasted his turn threatening to impose tariffs on Carney and Sheinbaum. “Knight (Zelensky) to c3.” Before Trump could analyze the situation, Netanyahu’s queen piece had taken the slip to eliminate another innocent pawn in d4. Carney then moved his bishop — Ursula von der Leyen — to f4, a precautionary move without an intention to fight. Netanyahu, controlled by greed, occupied the empty queen spot in d1, attempting to check Carney’s king piece, a move immediately counteracted by its demise from Carney’s king.
In a matter of a few moves, Trump has lost his bishop and a queen. His cabinet got to work immediately, blaming Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) for plaguing the chessboard industry, wasting yet another crucial turn. Carney then set his sights on Modi’s knight — still remaining unmoving at b8 — by moving his own rook piece to a now-empty b1. In this turn, Trump notices one of his knights missing — Kim Jong-Un has lost interest in the game and has apparently gone back to test some new nuclear missiles back home.
Trump then abruptly stopped the game, not accepting defeat. “My chess skills are the best in the world — better than anyone in North America,” the president is reported to have said before storming out of the Situation Room. Netanyahu claimed victory after capturing two pawns in the match.
The next morning, Elon Musk posted on X that DOGE will be “dismantling and defunding” the US Chess Federation, and banning chess as a sport altogether. White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that the US government will be expanding the tariffs on Canada and Mexico. The secretary of state Marco Rubio has refused to provide a statement to The Pawn regarding the applicability of Trump’s chess abilities to American foreign policy.
