By: Mason Mattu, member of the SFU <3 Onijah Fan Club
WASHINGTON, DC — In a hastily-called press conference on March 3, US President Donald Trump announced American philanthropist and viral internet sensation Onijah Robinson as the next United States Agency for International Development (USAID) administrator. Vice president Elon Musk had previously announced the dismantling of the agency due to “reckless spending.” In a surprising twist of fate, the Trump Administration has resumed normal operations of USAID under the leadership of Robinson.
Robinson has recently gained popularity after her humanitarian efforts in Pakistan, demanding $100K to reconstruct the allegedly failed state. The philanthropist had originally come to Pakistan to reunite with her alleged husband, but had given up after hearing the “cries of children on the street begging for better infrastructure.”
Pakistanis rallied behind Robinson, with even members of the diaspora getting behind her and her vision to fix the country. The Peak polled 10,000 people in Karachi, Pakistan to see their reaction to Robinson — 99.1% said, “What the fuck.” Despite her efforts, she was sent back to America on a flight paid for by US tax dollars.
“You people and your situation is so disgusting,” Robinson said in an interview with Pakistani news outlet Dunya News before boarding her flight home. “Y’all don’t even have scrumpdillyicious fast food options, a broken healthcare system, or Fourth of July! This is very unfortunate. I see people on the streets crying, begging for my help. Your government didn’t want to help me, give me Pakistani citizenship, or complete dictatorial powers over Pakistan? That’s fine, I’ll be back, y’all.”
And back she was. “Oneejah, Onaja, Oligarkey, what a fabulous name and what a fabulous woman — don’t tell Melania I said that,” whispered President Trump at the press conference. “For far too long, the United States has been crushed by poor Zimbabwean children who rely on our country to provide funding for education. Their evil intentions are hurting our economy! What are their intentions with our money? Oneejahka will fix this and Make American Foreign Policy Great Again — MAFPGM!”
Robinson refused to speak during the press conference, requesting that each news outlet directly wire her $20K “or more” for a chance to speak with her. “I’m not talking unless y’all are giving me land, money, or real estate!” she shouted at the press. The Peak wired this money over in monopoly cash and was able to connect with the new administrator.
According to Robinson, the MAGA Malls Program will see malls constructed in the world’s “poorest nations” such as Pakistan, Greenland, Britain, the Democratic People’s Republic of Canada, and Ohio.
“A big change is coming to USAID. No more of that giving money to prevent global health situations. Okay? Malaria sucks, I get it. I want to speak to its manager to stop it from happening without our money. Got it?” said Robinson. “I am pleased to announce a new development scheme for the US — MAGA Malls Program.”
The Peak has also learned that the US Government has issued an internal order to change the definition of development to “start big business there, extract money, boom, slam, wham, development.”
According to Robinson, the MAGA Malls Program will see malls constructed in the world’s “poorest nations” such as Pakistan, Greenland, Britain, the Democratic People’s Republic of Canada, and Ohio. She says that the office will begin reaching out to potential storefront renters such as Sears, Blockbuster Home Videos, and Enron. Each mall must also include a Buc-ee’s gas station equipped with 15 soda stations.
“We are helping these nations, especially communist Britain and Greenland, because they have very high poverty levels. OK? Their roads are not good. Have you seen the roads? They drive on the left side because the right side has too many pot holes,” said Robinson. “Pot holes are the leading cause of death internationally — next to windmills — so we’ve gotta defund the other stuff. Got it? Comprendo?”
In a statement to The Peak, Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau called Robinson “unstable and unfit to lead the free world.” When asked for a response to this, Robinson smiled loud and proud like Kim Kardashian in front of a brand new Cyber Truck: “I am a Muslim and it is against my religion to tell y’all my business.”
For more information about the new USAID Administrator, please visit: thisisamessagefromUSAIDemployeeshelpuswearescaredshitless.org.
