By: Anthony Houston, SFU Student
Not too long ago, right after hooking-up with a guy I met on Tinder, I thought to myself, “Man, that was such a boring interaction.” There were many factors influencing my perception: it was the first time we met, it had been a long day, and honestly all I could think of was getting back home rather than going on this impromptu hookup. Being the self aware queen that I am, it was obvious that I wasn’t really putting in an effort. The guy was good looking and seemed like a genuinely nice person, yet, I felt like I rushed through the interaction without being present in it. Walking back home, all I could think about was how transactional it all felt — and where had all the sexy gone from having sex?
Honestly, who even knows what being sexy is? It’s one of those subjective things that changes from person to person — some might find biting your lips sexy, while others might find it cringy. To me, sexiness is a whole mindset. I don’t usually go to parties or events, they aren’t my vibe, but when I do, I make the most out of it. I choose a well-thought, color-coded outfit, matching accessories, and perfume, because to me the biggest part of sexiness stems from a conscious effort to look and feel good. It’s that confidence boost you get from knowing (or thinking — let my unrealistic self be) all eyes turned to the door just because you walked in. It’s the allure you bring into the room, and what you do to allure someone out of it. It’s exchanging glances and holding eye contact, it’s the way you carry yourself on the way to making the first interaction. Putting in the effort and feeling sexy, both in appearance and mentality, is what makes a night special, whereas hooking up can honestly feel like crossing an item off my to-do list. Hookup culture has made it so much easier to skip this entire set of rituals. No time or place for allure — no slowly building up the anticipation, no effort at all. It usually goes down to text, meet-up, and sometimes sex.
It’s that confidence boost you get from knowing (or thinking — let my unrealistic self be) all eyes turned to the door just because you walked in.
I’m definitely not against having hookups, nor do I think that being/feeling sexy during casual encounters is impossible, actually on the contrary. Hookups and casual encounters can help you experiment with different ways to express yourself, find new ways to feel sexy, and develop confidence during sex. Many people deal with different forms of sexual anxiety, which can include “concerns about performance,” or anxiety about your body image. Having the option of facing said anxieties in a more casual encounter can be a positive way to deal with them. For others, hookups can help them discover their sexuality. However, casual encounters can also lead you down a path of apathy, of sex just being a transaction of and for pleasure. Being able to skip through some of the more ritualistic steps of courtship has stripped so many opportunities for being sexy. Even in casual sex, there should still be some forms of allurement and sensuality that differentiates it from just scratching an itch.
As a queer man, finding inspiration for being sexy can be . . . odd at times. I don’t look at the almost always shirtless men at the covers of Men’s Health and think, “Yeah, that’s the epitome of men’s sexiness.” Similarly, I don’t feel like I’m the target demographic for People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue — Idris Elba and John Krasinski, sure, but starting the whole thing with Mel Gibson just makes me feel out of place. For the longest time I’ve conflated sexiness with having broad shoulders, six-pack abs, and a jawline that could cut diamonds — an ideal that felt tailored for a specific type of man I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to become. I’ve learned about sexiness from mostly women, icons like Lady Gaga, Audrey Hepburn, and the many iterations of the femme fatale. Very different examples, but it’s their confidence and poise in anything they do — that scene-stealing presence, their ability to command any gaze that dares be directed their way.
Now, does that mean we should all ditch hookups for the sake of only having encounters when exuding sexiness? When we are serving femme fatale realness? Absolutely not. There’s convenience and purpose behind hookups. To some extent, they’re part of the courtship behaviour of the 21st century. Casual encounters have their time and purpose, they allow you to explore and know yourself without the anxiety of having to meet a certain standard for a partner. However, do be careful when casual encounters start feeling a bit too . . . casual. I’m not here to tell you how to have sex, but if you find yourself heading to a hookup in your Crocs and that one old pair of underwear that’s barely holding on, maybe take a moment to ask yourself — do you really want to have sex, or are you just feeling a bit lonely right now?
