By: C Icart, Humour Editor
I’m 25, and honestly, it’s great. Love being 25. Like yesterday, I wanted a chocolate bar, so I just bought myself a chocolate bar. Didn’t have to ask my mom, didn’t have to pass GO, didn’t have to collect $200 . . . It was salted caramel flavoured (stop drooling). Another great thing about being 25 is that I’ve seemingly aged out of the age range where men think I’m attractive (and vulnerable). It has literally been years since I’ve been catcalled or followed (I think, I’m not as diligent with looking behind me these days).
But like, I wasn’t always 25 (yeah, that’s right, I’m hitting you with the plot twist). My age has also been a bunch of numbers that were not 25. I’m not going to list them; I’ll let you use your imagination. And as a result of living in a society sometimes at those ages where I wasn’t 25, I interacted with men. Yeah, there was a time (a dark, dark time) when I swiped on men on Tinder. I was young, had low self-esteem, and had deluded myself into believing I was attracted to my natural predators. And honestly, it was a learning experience! I learned that men are super open about being red-pilled. I also learned that they interpret being a gender studies student as an invitation to debate you about feminism and women’s rights.
Which made me feel like they were deeply misunderstanding the point of Tinder. Bro, are you even trying to get laid? Is pissing me off your version of foreplay? I actually think men turn their brains off before opening dating apps. There’s no other explanation for the blurry pics, the nonsensical and/or condescending bios, and the most bizarre attempts at conversation.
Like, you can’t see me right now because you’re reading and I’m probably not in the same room as you (you should still be diligent and look behind you), but I’m Black. But I’m not above being a race traitor so I swipe on non-Black people all the time (yeah, even when I wasn’t 25). Tell me why this white man matched with me and his first message to me was “I love Black women. Are you attracted to white men?” It made me want to ask him the same question I want to ask the Instacart shopper man who contacted me to tell me the grocery store didn’t have pasta: “Did you think at all before texting me?” The only reason we matched was because you saw a picture of me and were instantly entranced and I saw a picture of you and thought it was good enough. So why are you coming out to me as white in the chat?
But it’s OK! It was a learning experience! I learned that dating apps are exactly like real life. In both cases, men get really aggressive when you don’t respond to them. I also learned that while men might disappoint you, vegan salted caramel chocolate with little salty crunchy bits inside never will. It actually tastes sweet and will leave you satisfied.
