By: Mason Mattu, Official Liberal party propagandist
Trudeau’s 10-year leadership of the Liberal party is coming to an end. Liberal party officials have announced new party regulations for leadership races in the future. The party has declared a partnership with CBC to manage all of its official leadership races for the rest of its lifetime (estimated at 0.5 years).
Their latest joint venture is a new reality TV show: Shark Bowl — Canada’s Liberal Leadership Contenders. The president of CBC told The Peak that “this TV show is not affiliated, associated, endorsed by, or in any way affiliated with Shark Tank” and that the show will help increase the network’s viewership from “two to five households.”
CBC announced the show via its MySpace profile, which The Peak spent hours dusting through and deciphering. The judges will consist of five disgraced BC United party members (sharks) who will elect the new leader of the federal Liberals based on their pitches. Each candidate (rumoured or confirmed as of January 15) sent a brief intro statement to The Peak. Let’s take a look at what they had to say.
Mark Carney
After being an economist and big honcho banker for a few years, I think I know how to run a country. My campaign slogan? Lower your expectations, Canada, and raise our interest rates. In fact, my campaign promise is to do absolutely nothing but hike interest rates in order to keep spending low and people chill.
If I am chosen to be prime minister and run against Pierre, I can say cool things during the debate like, “You ain’t a banker, bro!” or “I never supported the carbon tax!” and my favourite: “I am a political outsider!” I worked for Goldman Sachs and the World Economic Forum (the home of totally non-elitist and non-billionaire-friendly people); I am a man of the people. And no, I’m not in the Illuminati (wink, wink).
Justin Trudeau
dramatic music (Mr. Trudeau said this himself; there was no dramatic music). You thought you got rid of me? Well, mon ami, I’m baaaaaaaackk. In the 3 seconds after I resigned, I heard the immense love from Canadians who wanted Canada’s best back in action.
As I reminisce about my time in office, I have decided that my number one priority if elected leader is to grow back my beard. This will take us back to the good old days of stellar polling numbers and truly restore the soul of the Liberal party. Sunny ways, my friends, sunny ways. Thank you.
Chandra Arya (don’t worry, we had to Google him too)
Hi, you probably haven’t heard of me before and there’s like a 0% chance that I’m winning this thing. I feel kinda nervous being next to all of these popular peeps! The only way we can win the next election is by renaming the Liberal party the Conservativ party (without the e) to play mind games on our voters. Ha. Ha. Ha. This will help fast track my vision for our party, to kill it by 2026. Thank you. And P.S., my French isn’t that bad. As they say in French to say goodbye, piña colada!
Chrystia Freeland
Hey Canada, it’s me, Chrissy, former Finance Minister. When you look at me, you might connect me with a few different things: Justin (still my BFF), the worst economy of your lifetime (oopsie daisy), expensive gas, and the high cost of living.
Trust me, I feel you. I know you. By “know you,” I mean that I read the headlines. You know what, vote for me or not, milk will still cost $13 a gallon. Just someone please give me my book deal already ugh.
Frank Baylis (once again, had to Google him)
Mr. Baylis refused to give a statement and threatened to buy The Peak with his billionaire pockets.
Karina Gould
I announced my intentions to run for leader of our party in a scary video of me slowly walking toward the camera while viewers trembled with fear. You fools, I will make each and every single one of the sharks do the same so I can rule this pathetic country. You don’t deserve me, Karina Gould, House Leader of Parliament. I am too good for you and you know it. Bask in my glory.
