By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer
Aries
March 21–April 19
This week, you will wake up all motivated to go to the one required lower division course you have ignored for two whole years. Then, as you wash your face, you will remember why you avoided that course in the first place — packed lecture halls, professors that talk too fast, and TAs being overwhelmed by confused first years during tutorials. Then, you will crash back into bed and hope the summer term will have fewer students. My advice? Go to the class before SFU lays off the professor.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Visit West Mall, forget about class, get some Timmies, and go right home. Actually, just take advantage of the DashPass or Uber One you have (and I know you do) and order in your iced capp and timbits — no one really goes to West Mall at 8:30 a.m. anyway.
Gemini
May 21–June 21
The only thing you are looking forward to is club days. Making awkward small talk and acting interested in random clubs is your way to train for tutorial discussions and case competitions. Get some free stuff while you’re at it. Keep that free SFU BASS pen for your final exams but don’t worry, you probably won’t use it much during the semester. Unlike last year, the snow won’t ruin your club days heist in 2025.
Cancer
June 22–July 22
Please don’t trauma-dump on your TA. As you find it hard to finish your 2,500 word research essay, they are crying under their blankets trying to organize the data they collected for their 100+ page thesis. If you crave TA validation, just talk during your labs and tutorials instead of playing Wordle on your iPad and browsing Pinterest for cute winter fits.
Leo
July 23–August 22
This is the week for you to plan what to wear to your morning IAT class at Surrey. This is also the week for you to realize that you have the commitment to watch One Piece in its entirety but not the commitment to commute to Surrey by 9:30 a.m. once a week. Since you will plan your outfits more than you go to class, maybe it is time to tidy your wardrobe instead. Repeat “I’ll go next week” three times a week.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Instagram notes aren’t the place to complain about your horrible group project teammates. Take some time to calm down, meditate, watch some ASMR, and tell yourself, “This too shall pass.” Or not. Write a long email to your professor asking if you can kick them out and question your life decisions that have led you here. I hear SFU Kendo is running trial days soon if you want to scream your lungs out without any judgement.
Libra
September 23–October 22
Start a crochet business. Yes, devote your academic career to selling those tiny crocheted octopuses and Sanrio keychains. Why? Because I, the stars themselves, love crocheted plushies and over rely on the SFU Bookstore every time there’s a birthday gift.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Scorpio sounds a lot like scorpion, and scorpions sting. There is an energy drink with the same name — which reminds me, don’t forget to stock-up on your favorite energy drinks this semester. Why fear a slight chance that you will get a heart attack if you can have your own Kay Chung all-nighter moments, right?
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
You should take a break. That’s it. This just isn’t your week so stay home and keep the negative energy away from packs of newcomers getting lost in the AQ.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
Did you spend all of last week obsessed with Squid Game season 2? Are you behind on your chores and laundry? Did you even check your emails to see if your waitlists have been resolved? It’s OK, get the holiday binging all out of your system before you inspire fellow lecture-mates to watch Netflix at the back of the hall.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
You will go to every single class. Yes, you will be the one sign that will make SFU your true second home. Then you will visit the Central Gym and sigh as you ask yourself why you didn’t choose a university that wouldn’t take over two years to refurbish a swimming pool. As someone who might also graduate before I can inhale the sweet chlorine of a university pool, I feel you.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
You have two fishes as your symbol, this is your “sign” to go get sushi at Cornerstone. See the pun? While Japarrito’s huge sushi burritos are filling, there is nothing that compares to a succulent plate of a spider roll (soft-shell crab roll) from Togo Sushi. Wait, this isn’t the Arts and Culture section!
