By: Yildiz Subuk, Staff Writer
Are you missing a deep connection with your employees? Do you feel like sometimes that manager-employee bond is lacking? Do your employees poop on company time a little too long, which takes away from their productivity? Imagine if an expert micromanager could bang on the bathroom stall to tell them “times up” or “speed it up.” That type of encouragement is crucial for any staff member’s development.
Employees need constant critique of their work. They clearly don’t feel valued when they check their phones for a second or two, and their amazing manager isn’t there, slowly striding past them and making comments like, “Oops, let’s not get too distracted,” followed by a little smile or giggle. How do the staff maximize shareholder value if they’re not being called out for their laziness?
Luckily, SFU’s Beedie School of Business introduced a revolutionary major: micromanagement. This program is much more useful than Beedie’s other offerings. Who needs HR Management, IT Management, or Project Management (I have no idea what any of these do) once they’ve mastered micromanaging?
Micromanagement is so crucial for the workplace. Oxford defines it as “the practice of controlling every detail of an activity or project, especially your employees’ work.” It is a form of radical encouragement that can only be enacted by being constantly present. As a manager, you have to treat your employees like children. You are essentially the parent, so parent them.
The Peak interviewed business ethics enthusiast Elon Musk about this program’s benefits and how it can become an ethical step forward in management. “The new program is perfect for passionate minds looking to make a difference in the workplace. Let’s be real, most employees like workplaces that feel like home,” he said, taking a drag from his vape. “The point is to remind everyone of home. What does home feel like? It’s when mom doesn’t let me leave the house until the bed’s made, or when dad glares at me when he watches me fumble my math homework. What do these things do? They force me to get better. That’s what a workplace is supposed to feel like.”
While the interview was cut short due to a minor assassination attempt on Mr. Musk’s life by an ex-Twitter employee, it was clear he was pumped up about this new program.
“We need to take the step in management,” said positive management expert Jeff Bezos in another interview. “For me, it’s never about making money. It’s about creating a workplace that is always aware of improvements, because even the smallest changes make a big difference. I don’t personally watch my employees in the bathroom because I don’t give them any bathroom breaks at all, but even the time they spend peeing in bottles should be accounted for. In the Amazon family, I’m not the father. I’m the big brother; always watching.”
The micromanagement major will teach forward-thinking business minds to become some of the best managers in the world. No more lack of work supervision, we are headed towards a bright future where managers will gleefully remind their employees that they can “spend less time on their phones” or “take more initiative” at work, accompanied with a heartwarming smile that looks like it’s stapled to their face.
