Landlord looking for tenant who swears to never enter the unit under any circumstances

Having no knowledge about the Residential Tenancy Act is an asset

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Evil looking landlord counting their money in front of a house. There is a “For Rent” sign in front of the house that reads “No laundry, No pets, No smoking, No kitchen, No guests.”
ILLUSTRATION: Aliya Nourlan / The Peak

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

After years of relying on their tenants to pay their mortgage, local landlord Gil T. Leech has finally reached a point where the money they get from renting out their mouldy basement is pure profit. 

“Everyone’s always thinking about tenant rights these days, but what about landlord rights?,” they asked in an interview with The Peak. “I should be allowed to have 15 tenants in a one-bedroom apartment. That’s covered under the First or Second Amendment, I’m pretty sure!” 

Instead of looking up the differences between Canadian and American legislation, Leech likes to spend their time inventing illegal residential tenancy clauses. “My last tenants contacted the Residential Tenancy Branch (RTB) for dispute resolution because I told them that the fact that I could hear them typing on their laptop when I pressed my ear against the floor above their unit was a noise violation. I’m sure the tenants bribed the RTB because they ruled in their favour, which is absolute bullshit because why were they in their apartment at 1:00 p.m. on a Tuesday? They told me they don’t work from home, so it should be illegal for them to be there.” (Normally, our publication avoids publishing quotes this long, but come on, you gotta admit this one was worth it). 

Leech is currently in the process of purchasing extra homes to turn into illegal Airbnbs. “It’s not my fault other people can’t find housing. It’s way more lucrative to charge an arm and a leg per night, and the Constitution says I can make as much money as I want.” 

Turns out that when you let people rant about their imaginary oppression, it’s hard to get them to shut up. Leech followed us down the street after our interview to say: “Another thing I’m mad about is that I can’t serve one-day eviction notices. Last week, some of my tenants called me IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT because a pipe burst in their unit. They were whining about ‘emergency repairs.’ What the fuck is that?! They have no respect for the person providing the roof above their head. Maybe if they were kinder to me and waited until a reasonable hour to contact me, I would’ve considered possibly supporting them by maybe Googling ‘plumber’ and sending them a screenshot of the results. But only if they tipped me, of course.”

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