Autocorrect is so high on itself it thinks it’s correct

Autocorrecto is no perfecto

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Man sitting outside in front of his laptop. He is stressed and has both his hands on his head.
PHOTO: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels

By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer

Content warning: vinegar language. Correction: vulgar. 

Dear fellow victims of autocorrect fascinations frustrations,

If autocorrect is the bane of your existence like it is mine, we’re bound to be fiends! Oops, I mean friends. Don’t get me right wrong, autocorrect is helpful when getting your point across with the most inaccurate autofill options available. When writing a formal piece, I obviously mean to say “best regrets” or “in my option.” And when texting my friends, of course I mean to say “what the duck?” in every utterly enthralling conversation. What would be a more appropriate response than cursing at autocorrect on a daily basis? I swear like a scholar sailor until autocorrect subtly tells me to tone it done. Down. Dammit! 

Autocorrect makes no scents. When have I ever logically said I’m going to the “club” when I mean I’m going to “campus?” On every occasion I wish I was at the club! Why is “omw” always immediately autofilled to “on my way!” Who texts with that much enthusiasm? The whole point of an acronym is to make it short and sweat. Oops, sweet. Who has time to read every single word spelled out in a text? We’re already taking on the full-time job of correcting autocorrect’s horrific grammar. 

Your kidding me, right? Ugh, you’re*. Now, this makes it looks like the total grammar geek in me doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re. Don’t even get me started on there, their, and they’re. Someone needs to go back to elementary school spelling class, and it’s not me. I was the spelling bee queen. I’ll be buzzing all those incorrect autocorrections right off my keypad. 

The real kicker is when autocorrect “corrects” from Canadian spelling to . . . drumroll please . . . American spelling! Or, in my case, my use of both Canadian and UK spelling. Don’t you know my region and preferred English dialects, autocorrect? Look, I like my spelling two ways (because I’m extra like that). I use standard Canadian spelling for the everyday, when apple applicable — like being a staff writer, duh! But, I particularly love my good, ol’ UK English to make me sound smart and sophisticated on both a scholarly and slang-based level. My writing is just so high-maintenance [insert “information desk woman serving attitude” emoji here]. My English dialects have dual citizenship and that’s all there is to it. Bypassing the borders of incorrect autocorrect land is their specialty. What can I say, I’m a posh mothertrucker. Extra u’s, re’s and “ise” instead of “ize,” peas. I mean, please

Autocorrect my arse. *Ass. Oops, sorry, that’s probably too British for ya. Autocorrect even detects my different dialects poorly. Who doesn’t love a prim and proper autofill alteration that pops up alongside the rectangular regular text-savvy sailor’s mouth? Enough of this G-rated shitaki already!

Kind regrets,

A disgruntled staff righter 

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