By: Freida Watermelon, SFU Student
Content warning: mentions of genocide.
As she was sitting in her office reading the most recent message from the UBC president on the encampment on their campus, Johnson could not help but be grateful she did not have to make a similar statement. Some might say that silence is violence, but she likes to think that silence is aidance. See? It’s all about the mindset. While Benoit-Antoine Bacon’s strategy of using percentages to camouflage a large number is commendable, Johnson was particularly impressed with how he was able to convey funding genocide is just not something worth criticizing. Regardless of the his claims, it’s a fantastic strategy to seem open to dialogue without actually having to plan a meeting.
Upon reflection, Johnson concludes that if she were to be put in the same situation (god forbid, student organizing gives her a headache, unless the students are organizing a photo-op), she’d likely ask AI writers to make the sentence, “Divesting from war contractors and complicit institutions goes against everything SFU stands for” more palatable for overly sensitive students. She wishes those little snowflakes who get their panties in a twist over escalating war crimes would understand that “this is still not the time.” Maybe it will be the right time once her tenure is over and the stars align in a particular way and pigs are flying around in futuristic cars like in The Jetsons . . . maybe. But certainly not before. Acknowledging that the university is on unceded territories is already such a big and important step that should not be overshadowed by calls to do anything more. Land acknowledgements only happen a hundred years after colonization anyway.
In fact, any truly educated person would know that the university’s motto “Nous sommes prêt” (we are ready) is a shortened version. The full motto is actually “Nous sommes prêt à surveiller et réprimander toute action qui ne supporte pas l’image progressiste que nous voulons refléter” (We are ready to surveil and reprimand any action that does not support the progressive image we want to reflect). Well, to be fair, according to historians, this is contested because there are also mentions of alternate versions such as “Nous sommes prêt à appeler Lions Gate Risk Management sur vous” (We are ready to call Lions Gate Risk Management on you) and “Nous sommes prêt à quitter la salle lorsque les manifestants nous tombent trop sur les nerfs” (We are ready to leave the room when protestors are annoying us). Anyways, enough reflecting. Johnson must go find something to do to justify her obnoxiously large salary.
