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BREAKING NEWS: SFU introduces geese therapy to make up for students quitting from SFSS

Humour
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ILLUSTRATION: Alyssa Umbal / The Peak

By: Kelly Chia, Editor-in-Chief

A stunning new report brings a quack of a time to the student body at SFU. Hundreds of geese were seen flapping onto the tall Burnaby campus, an unusual sight for the student population. It’s also election time, and everyone is trying to figure out which representative does what. It’s no secret here at the university of Mr. Simon Fraser that SFSS elections bring a mixture of confusion, dread, and even hope. Yes, we hope this year’s administration might: 1. listen and follow the agenda they set out for the year, and 2. stay for their entire term. The bar is on the floor, folks! If they don’t casually decide they’re not a political body again, we’re probably okay, right?

Well, SFU has a different strategy in mind. To boost morale and confidence in our student body government, the university has sent whole flocks of geese to chase students around! We reached out to a representative to find out more about this unique strategy. First, we asked why SFU thought this would make students not quit from the SFSS. “We’re in a nice little area where any time a student is angry at student services, they can be mad at the SFSS, not us. We always make sure to remind them!” Vague Ans Wers, the SFU representative, told us.  

“We imagine that this makes things a bit spicy for the SFSS sometimes, and they get sad, so . . . Geese!” They raised their hands up triumphantly. “The geese will encourage athleticism by making students actively flee from them. It’s important to fight back against that new-fangled semester depression.” We didn’t have the heart to correct this to seasonal depression. “We really think this will give SFSS and the SFU body the opportunity to get engaged with one another, interact, and honk it out.” Wers then told us that any further inquiries could be answered by looking at the SFSS website. How helpful! 

Reportedly, SFU is considering offering geese admission to the university so they can be present and ready to offer their services when students inevitably discover another “problem” at the campus they can’t redirect. “What do you mean we need to focus our efforts on ‘freezing’ tuition costs? Climate change, baby!”

As campaign posters decorate this campus, just remember the wild concept that your vote and voice affects what the SFSS does. Otherwise, we fear that SFU will not stop at waterfowl to solve their systemic issues! 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society