By: Sude Guvendik, Staff Writer

Greetings, fellow students of wit, wisdom, and occasionally questionable decision-making! Let’s turn to another page of SFSS council drama, where on today’s episode, the SFSS Council, led by the daring president Liam Feng, contemplates the groundbreaking notion that equality is best achieved when no one has equal rights.

Picture this: a January 3 SFSS Council meeting, where president Feng unveils a motion that could put Avengers’ disagreements to shame. The proposal? To repeal all Issues Policies, including policies supporting reproductive rights, tuition affordability, and a free Palestine. Because who needs specific policies when you can have an all-you-can-equal buffet?

In a move that can only be described as avant-garde democracy, our protagonist, president Feng, spearheads this motion without consulting the people who worked tirelessly to establish these policies. It’s like planning a surprise party for someone but “forgetting” to invite the birthday person because you did not get them their well-deserved birthday present. Surprise! Or maybe not.

Hidden in this proposal is another shocking proposition: displacing the entire student body to a town called Neutralityville, where everyone is determined to be as neutral as a Switzerland-shaped pancake. The mayor of this town is named Nelly the Neutralist. Nelly, bless her heart, wants to be so neutral that even her morning coffee can’t decide if it’s black or white.

There is no need for the students to worry because they will be greeted by a carnival-sized injustice party. Undergraduate students love parties. Especially ones where we compromise on basic human rights so we can all pretend to be friends! Once students move to Neutralityville, they will never want to leave. After all, true justice lies in remaining impartial in the face of inequality. If no one has rights, no one can complain, right? It’s the ultimate form of democracy — a democracy where nobody is happy, but at least it’s fair!

But fear not, dear readers, for there is a glimmer of hope. 

They’re like shields, strong defences for the underprivileged and marginalized made to fight unfairness. These shields, called Issues Policies, are the tools that protect hard-earned rights. 

Over the years, BIPOC communities, fearless student leaders, and passionate advocates forged the Issues Policies from tears and blood. Now, can you believe there’s talk of shattering these shields into pieces? It’s like asking our heroes to surrender their hard-won victories.

A group of brave souls is rallying behind a motion to call for a ceasefire and defend Palestinian liberation because nothing says “justice for all” like standing up against undemocratic attempts to repeal hard-fought policies.

In the end, our protagonist’s attempt to redefine equality as the absence of rights leaves the audience scratching their heads. Perhaps the true humour lies in the absurdity of his proposal.