GPA boosters are a joke

You’ll need a genie in a bottle to save the day

Poster advertising the services of a Good Grade Genie for $19.99.
ILLUSTRATION: Kristin Lee / The Peak

By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer

So you’re trying to boost your GPA, and you’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to save your grades is by taking some half-assed, easy-A course that will put you ahead of your dreaded full-time schedule? We’ve all been there. You assume that just one simple course will get the job done and miraculously give you a perfect 4.33 overnight, right? You scan the course calendar and inquire about easy courses in every social media group, desperately searching for some serious grade-booster that requires next to no work on your part. Are you living in a dream world comprised of miraculously flawless grades? Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Grade Genie!

If you think taking one of those easy-A GPA-boosters is going to do the trick, Mr. Grade Genie is here to burst your bubble and tell you: it will not. Fear not, though, he’s come to the rescue! A mere remnant of hope dwindles as you hold on tight to the remainder of your straight-A’s, honour roll status, B-average, or whatever grade floats your boat. If C’s get degrees, why waste your time with some useless easy-A in the first place? If half a point is what you’re striving for, then be my guest! Nothing like a GPA booster to waste your precious credits. With a little bit of scholarly pizzazz that says, “I still don’t know what I’m doing,” you’ll fail just as hard in some “easy” class as you did in that convoluted lecture that dropped your average by more points than you’d like to admit. You’ll be desperately calling up Mr. Grade Genie to grant you a wish on the Good Grade Hotline before it’s too late.

Are you considering some random art class that involves abstract Picasso paintings just because it looks like a simple pass? Make sure you check the prof’s rating on RateMyProfessors. Otherwise, the class isn’t necessarily going to summon the good grade gods and give your GPA a much-needed change in fate. Just because Sally the Sophisticated Smartie from your English class told you some random 100-level sociology elective will be the cure-all to your grades doesn’t mean it’s true. She may have had the class with some chill professor who always doles out A’s, but with your luck, you’ll score the worst-rated prof in town. If you think taking one easy-A will suffice in your fantasized dreamland of scholarly superpowers that have somehow gotten you this far in your degree, you better give poor Mr. Grade Genie a raise. 

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just snap your fingers and have effortless A’s appear, with a perfect GPA at the top of your transcript, shining as the star of the show. Oh, wait! That’s right, Mr. Grade Genie will save the day. At this point, his overtime rate will cost more than your entire tuition combined. Why not just quit while you’re ahead and avoid those brutally boring  grade-boosters in the first place! 

If you’re desperate to boost your grades without the harrowing cost of Mr. Grade Genie, go ahead and take that supposed GPA-booster if it’s all your heart desires, but I can assure you it won’t be cause for the drastic change you hope for. Sorry that my half-baked scholarly opinion is that so-called easy-A’s and GPA boosters don’t exist . . . but genies do.

Don’t let your fantasized good grades escape! Call the Good Grade Hotline today and speak to Mr. Grade Genie before it’s too late! For the low, low cost of emptying your bank account and making the Student Loans Centre go bankrupt, you can have your own personalized Grade Genie whose fingers will snap right in front of you and straight-A’s will magically appear right away! Call today, before the cold, hard truth awaits! 

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