By: Hana Hoffman, Peak Associate

Shwshdf bfftjjrrhjjdj hhrrgscdrr. That’s the sound of my best conversational pronunciation during dentist appointments. Picture this: you’re laying on a bed, your head feels closer to the ground than the rest of your body, you’re wearing scratched and sticky sunglasses, the dental hygienist is flushing your mouth with fluids, and they’re constantly asking you questions you can’t physically or verbally answer. I’m sure we’ve all been there, but I just wanted to rant a little further about it since it’s getting to my last nerve (and so is the numbing needle in my gums).

To be honest, I sometimes can’t tell whether a dental hygienist is trained in teeth maintenance or client interviews. All these different tools fill my mouth with water, air, and weird-tasting chemicals, which then drip down my chin and neck. Yet, they constantly ask about my life and then ramble about their experiences and advice. I do try my best to answer, but I usually end up choking and almost drowning in my own spit. Do they really expect me to talk understandably while I can’t move my tongue or lips? Please, I’m no ventriloquist.

Adding on to that, I keep hearing the same questions every. single. appointment. Yes, doctor, I study at SFU. Yes, I have a younger sister. No, I’m not 19 anymore; I’m 20 now. Yes, I brush my teeth daily. Like, bro . . . I’m not sure how many more times I can repeat myself before I lose my mind.

And here’s the worst experience: being flooded with questions during wisdom teeth removal. Is tooth surgery really the best time to be asking questions? Pretty sure the better way to reduce pain is to focus on the TV on the ceiling rather than trying to engage in a one-way conversation with the dentist — unless there is no TV, in which case I don’t know how anyone would survive. It’s funny when they ask me how my day is going. Just look at me — bloody gums, scraped teeth, watery eyes . . . yeah, I’m totally doing great and how about yourself?

Whether you’re in for a cleaning, a tooth removal, surgery, or a tightening of the braces, you don’t deserve to embarrass yourself by mumbling back in gibberish. Dental hygienists should hold their horses until after the dental work is done. Or, even better, chat before starting.

To prevent these awkward conversations, I have a few ideas in mind. Firstly, the copycat method. Just interrupt the dental hygienist’s sentence, tell them to start copying whatever you say, and go silent. Then they’ll copy your silence! Secondly, confuse the dental hygienist with your made-up hand gestures. Every time they ask you a question, answer it the best you can using every body part but your mouth, and they won’t know what you mean, so they will give up on starting a conversation. Thirdly, play dead. In other words, pretend to fall asleep during the appointment so that they will stop talking since there would be no point in doing so.

I’ve also got some tricks up my sleeve, literally. Idea 1: Pull your phone out of your sleeve to use Bluetooth. Let the dentist deal with your cavity while you keep calm, listen to music through your earbuds, and block out any questions the dental hygienist asks you. Idea 2: Pull your DS out of your sleeve so you can turn it on and play Mario Kart music out loud. Your dentist will start bobbing their head to the beat and forget about all the conversation topics they had in mind. Idea 3: Pull your earmuffs out of your sleeve and put them over your head. Block the voices and tool noises so you can silently relax.

I hope these strategies will come in handy to everyone who is not a ventriloquist. If they don’t work, my final bit of advice is to floss and brush as much as possible so you’ll never need to go to the dentist!