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Netflix announces it has successfully reinvented cable TV

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ILLUSTRATION: Kitty Cheung / The Peak

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

Here at Netflix, we’re just like that mediocre show we cancelled after two seasons . . . Insatiable. We have successfully sneaked our way into homes worldwide and cemented ourselves into meme history books by having a euphemism for the nasty named after us. But that’s not enough, we want more. Sure, in 2017 we tweeted that “Love is sharing a password,” but that was in the “before” times. As in before our accountant told us that we would be richer if y’all didn’t share. So now, we hate sharing. The same way we hate renewing shows with queer and trans representation!

Netflix has been able to grow as a company because we are disruptors. In the late ‘90s, we disrupted the movie rental industry by renting movies out ourselves. In the mid-2000s, we disrupted the streaming industry by offering streaming services. Now, in the 2020s we are disrupting both the gaming industry and the book club industry by creating games and starting a book club. Our extensive experience with innovation has allowed us to confirm that innovation is not a linear process. In fact, Netflix has demonstrated that sometimes you can innovate so hard you return to point A. 

Our circular innovation process has allowed us to bring back all the things people hated — I mean loved — about cable television. Soaring prices for a large catalogue of content that viewers are only interested in a fraction of? Check. Ads? Check. Only able to watch content inside of one household? Check. You’re welcome. 

Our first tagline was “See What’s Next.” And we’re so right for that. We will always find new ways to keep you on your toes. And if you don’t like the new policies we announce, we’ll just say they were accidentally leaked. Now, our mission is “to entertain the world” and we won’t stop until every individual device on the planet has its own Netflix account. 

Sure, the haters love to remind us that we were hemorrhaging subscribers last year. But let’s be real: when it comes to the stock market, down is the new up! All we have to do is gaslight y’all into believing accounts were only ever meant for one (1) household, gatekeep content by cancelling shows, and voila! We will have girlbossed our way back to the top — where disrupting, innovating, change-making, visionaries like us belong. So turn off your VPN, log out of your mom’s ex’s barber’s brother’s account, and sign up for your own premium account today! 2023 finna be a Netflix movie. 

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society