By: Saije Rusimovici, Staff Writer
Dear Peakie,
Holy crap, my assignment is soooo late and I don’t know what to do!!! I feel like the most irresponsible person in the world, and if you entrust me with another deadline, I will likely crumple and become ash. WHAT DO I DO? HOW DO I REPENT?!
Sincerely,
Unfashionably Late
Dear Unfashionably Late,
Trust me — you are not the most irresponsible person in the world. I get it, we all have our priorities. But it’s time to download Google Calendars, stat. It’s all in the details, my friend. Don’t pretend like you didn’t have the time to do your assignment last weekend. We all saw that Instagram story of your night out on the town. But do not fret, my dear reader. This is a problem that can be solved by a strong cup of coffee and a family-sized bag of Cheetos. Once you’re fueled by snacks and a good dose of caffeine, you’ll be well on your way to success — but if I see your name in my inbox again, I will not be as obliged to respond. Now let’s get cracking!
Best of luck,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I feel like asking something no one has ever asked you before — this is definitely not a pointed insider question written to target you specifically — are you a fan of birds, and if so, which one?
Sincerely,
Chirp All About It
Dear Chirp All About It,
Well, hello, my loyal reader. Thank you for taking an interest in my personal life — it’s nice to feel like a real person once in a while. My relationship with birds is . . . well, a complicated one. I often think fondly of my aunt’s pet that chirped from the morning all throughout our family functions. Yet, I recall the waddling pigeons on the downtown streets and I shudder just a little (it’s the aggressive flapping that bothers me). Also, I hear that geese will attack you if you get too close?!? Let’s put it like this: I love birds as much as I love all animals. But I choose to observe from a distance. A very far distance.
Regrettably,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I am trying to brand my budgeting habits as “recessioncore,” but I don’t like, super believe in it. I am on my fifth loaf of bread and I have started to view yeast as an enemy. How can I be cute in trying times like these?!
Sincerely,
Asking the Important Questions
Dear Asking the Important Questions,
Ah, the joys of inflation. Fear not my dear reader. It is totally acceptable to have tightened the purse strings a little, especially in the financial conditions we live in these days. My advice is to romanticize that early morning commute on the train (because really, who’s paying for the combined parking and gas these days) by reading a thick paperback and sipping a homemade matcha latte. And don’t worry — as we’ve seen on TikTok, a simple meal can sometimes turn into a viral cooking hack. Just add more cream cheese onto dried spaghetti.
Sincerely,
Peakie
