By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer, Mocker of Hallmark Movies
As a hater of all Hallmark movies, I am the perfect person to write a very bad Hallmark-esque screenplay that will cause even the most dedicated (read: people with poor taste) Christmas movie fans to cringe. You’re welcome.
MANHATTAN, NEW YORK CITY
It’s 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night, exactly one week before Christmas. New York City is blanketed in snow. CAMERA follows SARAH (23) and MARK (27) who are dressed in long wool coats, circle scarves, and leather gloves as they stroll hand-in-hand down the sidewalk lined with aged brick apartment buildings. SARAH looks self-consciously at her uggs, then at MARK.
I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas. Or that we’ve been together for almost two years! Time really does fly. When do you return from your business trip? I told my parents we’d be there for Christmas dinner. It’s tradition, after all.
I know, honey. I can’t believe it either. I leave tomorrow morning, and I have some business to tend to for a few days. I’ll be back the evening of the 24th. I have a feeling this Christmas will be one to remember. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
SARAH looks down at their clasped hands and smiles. MARK is an important architect, but SARAH knew the most important thing he would build was their stellar relationship. SARAH suspects MARK is going to propose on Christmas day. SARAH suddenly becomes worried about what outfit to wear. She is concerned about her dress clashing with the ring. The photos would be awful!
CAMERA cuts to a montage of SARAH shopping by herself. SARAH looks for a new dress while MARK is away. She searches all over Manhattan, without much luck.
SARAH decides to look for the ring so that she can match it with one of the 40 dresses she already owns. CAMERA cuts to SARAH alone in their $4,000,000 apartment the morning before MARK is expected to come home. SARAH is hunched over a chest of drawers, their autumn selection of clothes strewn around the room. SARAH lets out an exasperated sigh.
Where on earth did he put that ring?! I’m sure he’s going to propose on Christmas. I just have a feeling. I better check all of his drawers. If my dress doesn’t match, what will people think? I need these photos to be perfect! You only get engaged twice, and at least once I need to have nice pictures.
MARK comes home from his business trip early. CAMERA is angled at SARAH rummaging through MARK’s clothing drawers. MARK is watching her from the doorway to the bedroom. CAMERA turns to focus on MARK. MARK is angry.
What’s going on here?! Why is the room a mess, and why are you going through my stuff?! You’ve tossed my pocket squares everywhere!
SARAH turns around at the sound of MARK’s voice. SARAH has a guilty expression on her face as she pushes her bleach blonde hair out of her face.
Mark! Oh, honey, I didn’t hear you come in! I thought—
You thought you’d have more time to violate my privacy?? What the hell, Sarah! What are you even looking for?
SARAH and MARK stare at each other for a moment. SARAH begins to cry.
I’m so sorry. I was looking for a ring, I thought you might propose on Christmas, and I was worried about my dress not matching the ring, so I thought if I just saw the ring then I could—
MARK interrupts SARAH by walking up to her and holding her face in his hands.
Oh, honey. That’s what you were doing? I already sorted that out. I bought you a brand new dress last week. It matches the ring perfectly. I know how much coordinated photos mean to you.
SARAH looks lovingly at MARK. She is reminded of why she wants to marry him: he always makes sure she looks good in pictures.
MARK pulls SARAH in for a kiss. They’re gross and insufferable. CAMERA fades to black. TEXT appears on the screen reading, “The most picture perfect Christmas you can have . . . is with each other.” A DE BEERS ad cues.