By: Max Lorette, Peak Associate and Supposed Village Soothsayer

Aries:

Have you connected with your inner child recently? If not, I think it’s ample time for you to start building that time machine. Travel back in time and tell your younger self not to make the same mistakes you did. Fade away from existence as a better version of yourself comes to pass. Realize what a grave mistake you’ve made. 

Taurus:

If you’ve been looking for a sign to become a certified forklift operator; this is it. The stars have aligned perfectly, and they have informed me that you will get girls if you tell them that you’re a certified forklift operator. Godspeed, my dear friend.

Gemini:

Dear Gemini, the stars know how intelligent you are. I think it’s time the world does, too. Grab a stranger and tell them all about Euler (make sure to emphasize it’s pronounced OIL-er) and his prolific role in the maths world. Strangers will appreciate the newfound knowledge! Go, my little Prometheus!

Cancer:

A little birdie told me that it’s Cancer season! Whether your birthday has passed or is on the horizon, I’m giving you full permission to go absolutely wild with your online shopping addiction. I promise that you won’t regret it once your credit card statement comes in. 

Leo:

Next time you’re writing an essay and your professor asks you to defend your thesis, flip that shit around on them. Ask them with real tears in your eyes, “Why are you attacking my thesis?” Let’s be real, your thesis is your brain child. It hasn’t done a singular thing wrong in its life! Your professor will be so caught off guard that I think that they might just give you an A.

Virgo:

Hey Virgo. Have you been feeling down in the dumps lately? Next time you need a quick laugh, I encourage you to look up your favourite historical figure on Archive of Our Own and sort by Kudos. You’re welcome.

Libra:

Next time you receive a spam call, lead them on a bit. Make some jokes and strike up a conversation. Who knows! It could be your next true love/fling. The stars certainly seem to think so. 

Scorpio:

Hey buddy, I’m going to give you some advice. Scorpio to fellow Scorpio. I promise it’s simply human nature to feel like an outsider at all times. We all feel this way. Humans are funny like that. I don’t know if this is a comfort or not, but at least we can relate to each other on that. 

Sagittarius:

Hey Sag! I know that you skipped over all the other Horoscopes to get to this one, but I’m going to ask you to take a look at Scorpio’s right above you. Do you know how I said that it’s human nature to feel a little bit different? Yeah. I know that you’re fuelled by your own individuality complex, so I’m just going to bring you down a notch and remind you that your own human condition is not unique.

Capricorn:

Hey Capricorn. Did you read last week’s horoscopes? Do you remember how I asked you to take a day off? Did you do it yet? DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK??? If not, I’m docking 50% off of your final grade. That’s a promise.

Aquarius:

Stay away from dairy this week. I’m serious. Aquarius. If you’re, like, literally every single lactose intolerant person I know, I’m fully aware that you don’t avoid dairy as much as you should. Stop it! Give your intestines a break. And if you aren’t lactose intolerant . . . now you are. The stars say so. 

Pisces:

Hey Pisces. How have you been? Long time no see. Anyway, as much as I’d love to stay and give you your horoscope this week, I was wondering if you could give me your mom’s number? She’s really hot. Zoo wee mama.