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SFUnexplained: The geese are out to get us!

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PHOTO: Amirul Anirban / The Peak (doodles by Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson)

By: Olivia Visser, Staff Writer

Have you noticed things just haven’t felt “right” lately? You’re not the only one. My pitch got no responses from the News or Opinions editors, but I promise you this isn’t some conspiracy theory! A publication is a publication, right? Yes, this is a journalistic approach into what’s really causing the downfall of society as we know it. Surprise, surprise: it’s geese.

Canada Geese, to be more specific. A national shame. Literally the worst part about visiting the lake or beach. Noisy, aggressive, pesterous little things. According to anecdotal evidence (the most credible type), geese have been secretly gathering to form what they refer to as One World Goose. Apparently, our famed Canada Geese have been plotting alongside various other species to form a Global Goose Alliance (GGA). Snow Geese, Barnacle Geese, and even Magpie Geese were among the many gathered last Tuesday at Trout Lake Park in a demonstration. I visited the scene to document what all the quack was about.

“There’s more than one type of goose, you know,” said one Canada Goose who wished to remain unnamed. Many attendees were peaceful demonstrators, but others shared more insidious motives. The geese admitted to intentionally disrupting our society by stealing food and causing noise disturbances. I saw a few nibbling on hotdog buns and potato chips. I really don’t think it ends there. I mean, does no one else see the danger of having an elite group of geese have so much power over us!?

Anyways, I heard some talk about mischief like intentionally contaminating lake water, and I think you know what that means. The geese are out there making sure we’ll always be in a pandemic. Don’t let me say I told you so. I remember doing a bit of research beforehand but couldn’t seem to find any articles to support this theory. To find out more, I asked around. This question triggered some aggressive responses.

“HONK!” shouted one goose. My question was so upsetting he didn’t want to speak to me in English. This is evidence enough. I’ve found what they don’t want me to know.

I came home that night confused yet motivated. Canada Geese are clearly part of a global movement to dismantle humanity. The lack of online information about this only speaks to the fact that our government is trying to hide it from us. Why? Could it be, the Geese have already infiltrated Parliament? Am I too late in uncovering what might be the biggest discovery of the 21st century?

Get the word out.

Signed,

Duncan Duck, Investigative Journalist

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society