By: Isabella Urbani, Staff Writer

BREAKING NEWS!

The ENTIRETY of the SFU Burnaby Campus was thrown for a LOOP on the early mornings of Monday, May 2, when our beloved avocado statue was nowhere to be seen!!!!! If you don’t believe this nightmare, take a look for yourself. A few students started a vigil for the statue’s return. They laid candles, photos, and some avocado scented soaps at the site. Grief or reason for SUSPISION?

The Peak attended the vigil and spoke with those who chose to pay respect at the vacant spot the statue once resided upon. 

“I am at a loss for words,” a bystander said, clad in a dark green blazer — avocado-like, one could even say. “That egg statue was the perfect place to roll a dart at night, perfect view of the stars and everything.” 

The Peak observed they were the only one laying their gifts in front of the blue triangle statue, and nowhere remotely close to the avocado. 

Other students suspected foul play to be involved. 

“It’s bloody murder,” one student shouted, throwing themself on the dirt where the statue occupied. “I bet it was UBC students, has anyone ever considered that?” 

UBC declined to comment on their suspected involvement in the matter, but The Peak did receive an anonymous email with a photo of UBC president, Santa Ono, cutting up an avocado for lunch in his office. 

In the interest of being thorough, SFU did indeed try to bring this to court, but was turned down due to “circumstantial evidence.” Curses.

As SFU’s student newspaper, The Peak felt obligated to track down every last person to find out what could have happened. We started with the creator of the sculpture, Carlos Basanta, but scrapped that idea when he confused his own statue. 

When probed, Basanta started speaking about some statue and its reflections or something of the like. Clearly, he did not know his own statue. 

Moving on.

As of right now, 100 SFU avocado–related profiles have been set up on Instagram. There were more initially, but many of them were taken down when students started posting some BALLYHOO photos of them in the avocado. In their defense, the photos were so blurry, no one could tell a hand from a foot. 

The Peak reached out to president Joy Johnson for a statement.

When asked whether she knew anything about the whereabouts of the statue, or if SFU had any intention of buying a replacement, Joy had no joyful answer. Disappointedly, she said, and I quote, “Who?” 

Alas, it looked like students were never going to find out where their beloved statue went. Had it up and disappeared on its own? Did UBC really steal it for their avocado obsessed president? According to inside sources, he has worn an avocado tie each day since the statue went missing. 

More questions arose from our investigations. Was there a SIMPLER solution? Had it gone for cleaning? If so, then why hasn’t it been cleaned more frequently? 

Below is the only statement ever known to be made by the avocado statue itself. It was delivered to The Peak office today, exactly one week after its disappearance: 

I know there have been a lot of theories floating around about my disappearance, and I’d just like to take this opportunity to clear it up. I have enjoyed my time at SFU, but I have mutually decided to part ways with the campus to make my long-life dream of becoming an organic avocado in your local grocery stores happen. 

I can only imagine we will meet again in the produce aisle — I know I will be waiting. 

XOXO,
Former SFU avocado statue